Tightrope
by alizabethianrose
Summary: Punk is in an abusive relationship, and Colt wants to find a way to help him escape. When one little lie, one heartfelt lie changes everything, Colt finds his world spiraling out of control and Punk is the center of it all. Will love blossom from a lie, or will the two find themselves at the center of a storm that will destroy everything around them. Slash! Colt/Punk
1. Heartfelt Lies

I own no one is this story, they own themselves, if I did Punk would wander around in those tight little underwear all the time. This is slash if you don't like slash leave now! It is rated M for a reason, there will be smut, possible triggers, and swearing. I honestly hope you enjoy and review this story. Thank you for taking the time to even give it a chance!

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><p>The knock at my door in the middle of the night doesn't surprise me, he often comes in the middle of the night, he never sleeps so showing up to talk, to watch movies, or hell sometimes just to watch me sleep isn't abnormal. What does surprise me is how timid the knock is and the state he is in when I open the door. Dried blood on his chin from a split lip and his eye swelling, he is holding his arm close to his body as if in pain. He looks like someone kicked the shit out of him, and I know who that someone is and my blood is boiling. Ever since Punk entered into a relationship with him, he has become distant from everyone especially me, he has cut out people who care about him and when he is with us he constantly checks his phone and seems withdrawn from the world. He glances over his shoulder and acts like he expects the world to end every time a door opens. I've been expecting this for sometime but now to see it with my own two eyes I want to go kick his boyfriends ass. I let him inside and he walks slowly to my couch sitting down. I don't know what to say or what to do first he needs some medical attention and my limited medical knowledge is not going to help. Yet I walk to the kitchen and retrieve an ice pack, and my first aid kit. I crouch in front of him, and take a closer look at his injuries.<p>

I'm not sure what is wrong with his arm yet, so I focus on the obvious pressing the ice to his eye. I open the kit and take out the antiseptic rubbing gently at his lip, he winces but remains still, he doesn't speak and I can not come up with anything to say that won't be hostile and make him withdraw from me. After I am sure his lip is not bleeding, and cleaned up his face I glance at his shoulder. "I don't think I have anything here that can fix that, we need to go to the hospital Punk." He takes a deep breath and looks at me slowly, his green eyes are hidden by his bleach blond hair so I push it gently out of the way and force a smile.

"I think it is just dislocated, it just needs to be popped back into place and then I will be fine." I want to argue with him instead I take his arm and gently explore, it does feel like his shoulder is out of place and so as gently as possible I do so. He yelps but I can see the relief cross his face almost instantly.

"Are you hurt anywhere else?" He glances away from me and I can see a look in his eyes that tells me I don't want to know the answer but I wait knowing he will eventually tell me. He takes several deep breaths and looks into my eyes. The hollow look in his own eyes, it breaks my heart a little and my plan to find his boyfriend and kick his ass is kicked into higher gear. I won't do it until I'm sure Punk is okay and resting, but I will find the man and make sure he never lays a hand on Punk again.

"It's nothing he was just a little rough and I'm bleeding a little bit umm inside?" He bites at his lip ring and I have to cringe.

"Did he force you?" He shakes his head no but refuses to look at me so I have my answer.

"Can I take a look, see if you need stitches or anything." he averts his eyes more and blushes, Punk and I may be close but that would be a new level of closeness that I'm not sure either of us are prepared for but in time of need I will suck it up and give his ass a quick check. He reluctantly stands undoing his jeans and turning away from me, he slides them down and I am presented with an ass that actually makes my cock jerk to life. This surprises me as I have never been attracted to Punk, granted we both like guys but I am usually not into tattooed dirty guys. I go for guys more like myself, so any reaction to Punk surprises me, I force down my reaction and focus on the task at hand. I spread him gently and glance, I see some blood but nothing that would concern me to greatly, the bruises on his thighs are more concerning and tells me exactly how rough the sex got. I'm not exactly sure how to check for tearing without being more invasive. "you're not bleeding too much, but I really can't tell anything from just looking. Can I touch you?" I see a slight nod and check for the first aid kit I find a small tube of lubrication so I coat a finger and carefully slide it inside of him. I touch him gently exploring, I don't find any real damage but notice his breath hitch when I press against his prostate.

This is getting awkward for both of us, so I withdraw my finger and clean both of us up. I adjust my pajama bottoms before telling him that I think he will be okay. He pulls up is pants and retakes his place on my couch hugging himself and not speaking. I clean up the kit and press the eye pack back to his face before sitting down beside of him. "Want to tell me what happened?" He shakes his head no and I sigh just pulling him closer to me and allowing his weight to settle against my body, his head on my chest. I know pushing him will cause him to retreat so I hope he will just decided to speak to me. I flip on the TV and glance down at him, "what you want to watch?" He shrugs staring at the TV. I settle on a late night comedy show repeat, and wait stroking my fingers through his blond hair.

"I shouldn't have made him mad, I know what happens when he gets mad. We fought, and he kicked me out. I'm sorry to show up here in the middle of the night Colt, but I didn't know where else to go." His words set my nerves on end, he is blaming himself for showing up at my door, hurt, raped, and shut down.

"This is not your fault, no matter how mad he gets he has no right to touch you. Not to mention raping you, I would suggest going to the police but you will just tell me no so I am not going to bother. I just don't understand why you are with him, there are so many people who would kill to be with you, treat you like a fucking king. Instead you choose to stay with a guy who beats the shit out of you. Would you do me a favor and just explain it to me so I can understand." He swallows and glances up at me at for the first time I see the beauty in his face, even with the bruises he is beautiful. If you look past the worry, the dark circles, the scruffiness he has an incredible grace to his face. It causes me to swallow hard and wonder where these thoughts are coming from, why am I noticing him in this light, now, tonight, when all I really need from him is answers, and all he wants from me is comfort.

"He loves me Colt, it's just some times he gets angry. Besides there are not that many people out there who want me. It wasn't rape so don't exaggerate, it was just rougher then normal. He loves me and he will apologize and things will be okay." I laugh knowing it is harsh but really who is he trying to convince.

"Look Punk I don't want to piss you off but that is not love, and he is never sorry or he wouldn't do it again. If you said no even once it was rape and I have a feeling you said no more than once. I could name a ton of people who would want a chance to be with you, why do you think he is so jealous and possessive, why do you think he cuts you off from people who care about you. He is afraid that you will figure out you are worth a helluva lot more than his version of love, and afraid you will finally notice all of those who desire you. But why am I bothering, why am I wasting my breath. You'll go back to him in the morning and it will be weeks until I see you again. So I give up, just remember I am here for you no matter what Punkers." Punk doesn't speak his eyes are drawn back to the TV but I think he may actually be thinking over my words.

"Who wants me?" He asks this and I think I may laugh at his question.

"Who doesn't want you Punk?" He gives me a strange look so I decided to rattle off some names. "AJ, Hero, Daniels, Raven, Low Ki, hell pretty much the whole fucking locker room Punk. You have a great body and once you get past the initial meeting, a great personality." He looks startled and then glances away from me and I think he may be blushing, I wonder if any of them appeal to him. Hell I would do anything to get him away from his current boyfriend, maybe even date him myself.

"Really you think so, Paul tells me I'm ugly and that I'm lucky to be with him, that no one else would ever want me. I think he is right, I need to lose weight, I'm out of shape, I have bleached out hair and dress like a homeless person, why would anyone want me? Do you want me?" Another reason why London is a dead man, he has ripped Punk's confidence to shreds, he comes off as the most confident person in the world when he is in the ring, or has a microphone in his hand but in reality he has body issues and issues with his self-assurance. London has pounced on it and torn Punk down as much as possible. I wonder how I should answer his question and if I can convince him not to go back tonight, even if I have to lie to keep Punk safe I would do it.

"I know a lot of people want you, I could call them now and have them confirm this for you. As for my feelings what does it matter you are going to leave in the morning and go to him, so how I feel doesn't matter does it." He chews on his lip ring and I want to pull his lip away from those teeth, I'm always afraid he is going to chew right through his lip with the way he chews on it when he is worried, nervous, thinking, or sometimes just bored.

"If I didn't go back, if I walked away from him, it would matter. Your answer would matter perhaps more than it should." the last part is said under his breath but I catch it and I suddenly feel stuck. I am just recognizing that I am attracted to Punk, and now he is basically saying he would walk away from an abusive relationship if I had feelings for him. I have feelings for Punk, I'm just not sure it's what Punk wants. Fuck me if I push him back towards London, and fuck me if I do this and it hurts him more than London does. I'm at a crossroad, and each path has obstacles, but I only see one as an option and its the one that involves a heartfelt lie.

"There would be a chance for us if you left him, I have feelings for you Punk and I would love to explore them, but I can't do that unless I know he is gone from your life for good. I would need you to choose me over him." Fingers clench in my t-shirt and he looks up at me curiosity in his eyes, and I keep a smile on my face hoping he can't see the truth in my eyes, he seems hopeful and I think it is for the first time in a long time that his eyes are happy.

"There would be a chance, for us, for me, a chance for maybe a future. I just have to walk away from Paul, and I could have you?" I nod and hope I'm doing the right thing, he cocks his head and goes back to chewing on that lip so to stop it I do something that neither of us are expecting. I lean down and catch that lip with my own mouth, my tongue soothing along it. He freezes beneath my mouth, but I don't stop I suck lightly on his bottom lip before capturing his mouth completely with mine. His good arms slowly snakes it way around my neck, and than he is kissing me back almost desperately but I keep it light and tender, I do explore his mouth but I think he has had enough rough for a lifetime. By the time I pull away he is clinging to me, and buries his face in my neck. I'm taken back by the emotions in my mind, I want him, maybe I've wanted him for a while. I wonder if my lies are more truth then deception, I also wonder if I can hang on long enough to enjoy the ride. Punk is very much a tornado in my life and somehow he always causes chaos as he remains the center of my storm. "I'd like to take that chance" he whispers against my neck and I tighten my arms around his waist.

We remain like this until I feel his breath soften on my neck as sleep begins to take over, I carry him down to my bedroom, "sleep Punkers, I am going to call Ace and we are going to go get your stuff from London's place. That is if it is what you want, you can stay with me or at Ace's wherever you want to stay it is up to you." Sleepy green eyes look at me, and I know once he falls he will be dead to the world as he so seldom sleeps.

"Just get my stuff, don't hurt him, he is not worth it. I'll stay wherever you want me too, I don't want to force myself on to you." His insecurities are showing through so I give him a light kiss.

"You'll stay here with me, I want you with me Punkers." He smiles and I wait until sleep takes over to slip from the room. I grad my cell and speed dial Ace hoping he answers though it is a little after three am, he doesn't answer the first time I call but on the fourth time his voice fills the line.

"This better be good Cabana do you know what fucking time it is."

"I know what time it is Ace but I need your help, Punk showed up at my house the shit beaten out of him. He agreed to leave London, but we need to get his stuff tonight or I'm afraid he will go back. If I go alone I'm afraid I will kill the man, he raped him. Punk won't admit it but he raped him. Do you have anyone that can come stay at my place while we go get his shit?" the phone is quiet for a moment and then Ace is swearing up a storm. I can hear him walking and then waking someone up, followed by a muffled conversation.

"I'm on my way, I'm bringing Hero with me he will watch over Punk while we are gone. Is he okay, how did you convince him to leave?" I swallow hard and glance at the bedroom door.

"He is a sleep, pretty banged up had to put his shoulder back in place. Not sure if I did it right but it seems not to be bothering him as much. We had a long talk and he is going to move in with me and when he is ready we are going to try to be together, it is what he wants." I never get a response instead the phone is hung up and I know I ma in for a lecture from Ace. He doesn't live far so he arrives with Hero in tow. I check on Punk once more and thank Hero who just nods and takes over my couch flipping through the channels. Ace is quiet until we get in the car and then he reaches over and slaps me upside the head.

"What are you doing? Is this what you want? Do you have feelings for him? Do you know what you are getting yourself into?" I take a deep breath and shake my head slowly.

"I have no clue what I'm doing, I just know that the hope in his eyes, the happiness when I said we could try to be together I haven't seen in so long. When I kissed him, it was so confusing, my feelings are all mixed up but I honestly think a part of me has always wanted him and this may be my chance. Plus if it keeps him away from London then I'll do anything." Ace doesn't answer for a long time not until we are pulling up in front of Punk's apartment.

"I think you'll be good for him, however he is coming over a very volatile relationship he may lash out at you, he may push your buttons, it is not going to be as easy as just being his best friend. I hope you are ready for this because Punk is difficult on good days, being with Punk may drive you insane." I nod I know this, hell I am walking on a tightrope now, and I could easily fall, and if I do I'll be bringing Punk down with me. There is no net for us, just the cold hard world of reality to catch us if we fall. "Lets go get Punk's stuff and teach London a little lesson. I think he needs to feel some pain and get a message to stay far away from Punk." With that we leave the car and enter the battle zone.


	2. Stranger in my Skin

Punk's POV

I feel like I haven't slept in months and that is probably closer to the truth then I would like to admit, between my insomnia and fear sleep had not been very present in my life. So when I am pulled from the comfort of dreams it is to a feeling of disorientation and a desire to return to the realm of the sandman. I blink rapidly not sure where I am or what had awoken me, waking in strange places is not unusual but how safe I feel is. It dawns at me that I am in Colt's home, his bed, his scent surrounding me and I settle deeper into the pillows breathing him in. The sound of voices carry into the room and it takes me a moment to place them, then I know what had awoken me. Paul's voice is booming from the front door, demanding to know where I am. Another voice that takes me a little longer to place is texting him I'm not here. Hero the voice belongs to Hero I decided and I feel a little comfort at this, Paul wouldn't mess with Hero. The argument continues and I have an urge to reach for my phone and call Colt to alert him to Paul's presence but I don't. I sink further into the bed pulling the covers over my head and try to block out the yelling.

I finally hear the click of the front door and foot steps in the hallway, a shadow fills the door way of the bedroom when I peak from beneath the covers. I tense automatically and wait for the attack. "He's gone Punk, everything is fine." I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding and nod, pushing the blanket down I force a smile at Chris and go to sit up. Pain radiates through my shoulder a stark reminder of the events from earlier in the evening. I feel Chris watching me as I stand and walk out to the living room any plans for sleep have passed.

"Where's Colt" my voice comes out as a whisper afraid that Paul is still in the hallway just waiting to comeback.

"He went to get your stuff. He took Ace with him, they should be back soon." I'm almost glad Paul was not there, at least I wouldn't be bailing anyone out of jail tonight. I settle out to the couch wrapping a quilt Colt's mom made around my body. I stare at the doorway fear still coursing through my veins. It is then I begin to doubt my decision, I shouldn't leave Paul. He loves me, he will be sorry for tonight and everything will be okay at least for a few days. He will be so angry that I came to Colt, that I agree to stay here. What will happen if he finds me? He has threatened me in the past, and he could go after Colt. I should leave go home and be with Paul, he loves me. Yet the memories of the evening won't leave my mind, Colt telling me that people want me, that he wants me, hell him kissing me. It felt surreal I think I fell for Colt the moment I saw him, but not once has he ever seemed interested in me, then again I can't even tell how I am feeling myself, let alone those around me. Alls I know is how long I have wanted him, and that I am clinging to the little hope he feels the same.

I glance down briefly and my eyes catch the first aid kit, the word rapes echos in my head and I try to ignore Colt's voice in my mind, or maybe its my own that is agreeing with Colt. The night had started off fine, we had gone out to dinner and then it all fell apart. The waitress had recognized me and been a fan, maybe she had flirted but I didn't see it Paul however had. By the time we got home his rage was boiling over, I don't even want to think about the rest of it. The pain over took everything and I just prayed to get out of the house alive. I was relieved when he kicked me out after, and I didn't hesitate to walk to Colt's despite the time of night. Thankful that my best friend always opens the door and never questions me.

A hand on my good shoulder brings me out of my thoughts and I look up into the warm eyes of Colt. Startled because I never heard him come in, hell from the looks of it they'd made a couple of trips to the car and I never heard any of it. "Hey, you okay Punkers?" I nod and he reaches out brushing the tears from my face, tears I had not known I was crying. "You sure? Do you need anything?" I go to shake my head no again, but pause thinking about it.

"Ice" I state and point to my shoulder, the dull ache is become worse the longer I sit up.

"Okay on it, Ace is going to take a closure look at your shoulder to make sure that I didn't make it worse. I've got a sling around here I'll get out for you." Colt goes into the kitchen, and Ace approaches almost cautiously as if waiting for me to flee. I guess I've been doing that a lot lately with my friends and family, taking off on them when things get difficult.

"Can you take off your shirt Punk?" At Ace's question I feel my whole body tense, the idea of showing any of them the bruises littering my body.

"No I can't just check it with the shirt on Ace." I see the questioning looks and find myself closing in, arms wrapped around my waist and huddle over, a posture I would have never used in the past. Colt approaches and hands the ice pack to Ace, he then crouches down in front of me, his fingers grasp the bottom of my t-shirt and he tugs upwards, I sigh but give in knowing I might as well as get this over with. He helps me get my arm out of the fabric and then I go back to staring at the floor as Ace touches my shoulder. I can feel the eyes on me, and the embarrassment I feel is overwhelming. I wonder how it ever got this far, that I would be so weak, that I would be so afraid. I shake my head and Colt grasp my chin lifting it upwards when our eyes meet I can see the concern in them.

"Are your ribs broken?" I glance down briefly at the large black bruises on my side and then look back up at him.

"No just bruised I can breathe fine" He nods and then leans down kissing the bruised skin lightly and I blink back tears again.

"You don't deserve this Punk, you are worth so much more than you think." At his words I feel myself blush and look up to the ceiling not wanting to think about what he means.

"Your shoulder should be fine, keep it iced, and wear the sling when you are not sleeping.' I nod and thank him going to grab my shirt but colt just ignores my hands instead forcing me to my feet he inspects the bruises on my body and then lets me sit back down. His touches were gentle but it was just a reminder of the beatings I have taken lately.

"You lied to my face." It is a statement more than a question and I glance away from Colt wrapping the quilt around my body to hide the proof of my lies. "You told me over and over again he wasn't abusive, you told me you were fine, that he loved you, well if this is love it's just such a waste of love. I repeatedly asked you to talk to me, I told you so many times to just be honest. Every time you promised you were being honest, that you were telling me the truth." I bite at my lip and notice a frown cross Colt's face.

"I'm sorry I thought I had it under control, I didn't think it would get this bad. I didn't mean to lie, sorry." It seemed like a lame apology but I couldn't even explain it myself let alone to my friends at this point. Colt sits down beside of me and I can see his anger has already drained away so I press in closer to him.

"You should be sleeping, you need to sleep, you look like hell." I nod in agreement.

"I was asleep but got woken up, I always look like hell, I'm not that attractive." I miss the eye rolls from Hero and Ace but see Colt's and poke him lightly in the ribs.

"Hey, none of that, you are going to go back to bed. I'm sorry he was here and I wasn't to kick his ass but I promise you are perfectly safe, and Ace and hero are sticking around for the, well at this point day. You are far from unattractive do I need to remind you of the fact that ninety percent of the locker room wants to get in your pants and that I think you are hot?" I shrug and then groan at the pain in my shoulder, note to self shrugging is not a good idea.

"I get it Colt, you think I'm cute, the locker room thinks I'm cute I just can't believe it." Colt glances at Ace and I have no clue what they are discussing with their eyes but I feel left out of something important.

"I think your hot and would fuck you in a heart beat." I glance over to Hero who just smirks and I find myself blushing and burying my face into Colt's chest, snuggling against his side. Granted is it flattering but I find it hard to believe. Colt is running his fingers through my hair again and the soothing motion finally takes the remaining tension from my body. Before long I feel my self start to drift off, my eyes close and I snuggle tighter into Colt as I am just about out I overhear Ace and Colt speaking, they think I've gone completely asleep.

"How did we let it get this far?" At Ace's word I wonder briefly what he means.

"Its Punk he's stubborn, maybe the most stubborn person I have ever met in my life and he wasn't going to ask for help until it got bad. Hell I think he still thinks this isn't bad." At Colt's response I hear Ace sigh and a hand adjust the ice pack on my shoulder.

"London is a dead man, if he ever comes near Punk again I will make him regret that he ever took a breath in the first place. I've never seen him this broken what do we do?" I want to protest that I am not broken but the words die on my lips as it would just be another lie.

"We help him put the pieces back together, we be patient and supportive. We take it one day at a time and build his confidence back up." Great the way they are talking it makes it seem like I'm an addict and in need of rehab and I guess in a way they are right, Paul and his love/abuse are just my drug of choice. The room falls silent and it doesn't take long for me to actually drift off to sleep.

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><p>I awake once again in Colt's bed but this time I am not alone, Colt is beside me holding me lightly in his sleep and so I snuggle deeper into his embrace that is until I look at the clock. The time taunts me and I go to wiggle free of the arms around me, they just tighten and I glance at Colt who is now looking at me. "Stay still Punkers, sleeping here.'<p>

"Colt it is seven pm according to your clock I've been asleep all day, I need to get up, I have stuff to do, I need to go to the gym and I think I have a show tomorrow to prepare for. Now move your arm." I try again to squirm free but he won't allow it so I sigh and look at him.

"I just came to bed a little while ago, so hush and relax I've canceled all our shows for the next couple of weeks, you need to heal. Plus we are going to go to my parents cabin for the weekend, called up a couple of friends and just going to have a nice relaxing weekend. You can workout tomorrow, now go back to sleep." I want to be angry he messed with my schedule but I'm not a few days off sounds good, and a few days away sound even better. I'm not much of a country boy, prefer the city but a couple of days where Paul has no clue where I am and spending it with Colt sound fucking great right now.

"I've been asleep all day, I can not just go back to sleep because you want me too." He makes a hushing noise, and I sigh giving into him. I do not expect sleep to come but it does and I am off to dream again my body's exhaustion and pain winning out over my head's desire to stay awake.

A few hours later I slip from the bed glancing back I wonder how I even fit, Colt is sprawled out like a star fish and the little slice of bed I had doesn't seem to be big enough for anyone to fit, yet I did maybe because I was clinging to the bed hog. I use the bathroom and head quietly out to the kitchen, I pass the living room and see Ace and Hero sharing Colt's very uncomfortable pull out bed. I wonder briefly why they just didn't go back to Ace's place, but I figure it is to ensure I don't change my mind and run back to Paul. The thought has crossed my mind but I don't think I could escape this place unnoticed, plus the pain that I would endure walking away from Colt prevents me from even heading towards the front door.

I quietly open colt's fridge my stomach is demanding attention and I wonder if he will have something that doesn't make me gain twenty pounds, Paul is constantly telling me I need to diet and no matter how much I do it never seems to be enough to actually lose the weight. I prepare a sandwich and grab a Pepsi, I then search for my cell phone not sure where I left it in the mess of the last twenty four hours. I finally discover it on the coffee table under a pizza box, with it in hand I walk quietly over to the window with the fire escape and slip out into the cool Chicago air. I settle down onto the metal, eating my sandwich and watching the quiet city below. I'm almost afraid to check my phone, I know he has called and left messages, probably things I don't want to hear so being the glutton for punishment I listen to Paul's multiple voice mails, they start out apologetic, then begging, before they just turn mean and angry to the point where I am truly cringing from the anger in his voice and the promised violence he has planned. The text messages are just as bad, he reminds me that I am nothing more than a whore, that I am pathetic, useless, and no one in this world could care about me the way he does. No one will ever love me like him, no one would ever be attracted to me, or desire me.

By the time I finish reading I know he is right, should just go home get the beating over with. Spending time with my friends has been great but I shouldn't let them get into my head. Paul isn't bad for me I need him. My head informs me of all of this, like its logical but my heart has a whole different idea, staying, going out of town with my friends, maybe kissing Colt again, maybe doing a lot more with Colt. My head and heart are at total conflicting but my feet seem to know what to do, I find myself sliding back into Colt's apartment closing the window gently I walk into the living room. My feet carry me to where Ace is laying and my hand reaches out and touches his shoulder gently. His eyes pop open after a few moments and he looks around alarmed. When he sees me he relaxes and then glances at the clock. "Between the two of you, I wonder if I will ever get a full nights sleep again." His words are angry but it still makes me take a step back and mutter an apology quickly, I hadn't wanted to wake Colt up because I knew how tired he was, I hadn't consider it with Ace. Before I can fully react Ace reaches out and grabs my wrist yanking my down onto the cheap pullout beside of him. Immediately my whole body tenses at being forced onto a bed and I back away falling onto my ass on Colt's living room floor but at least it is not the bed. I'm trying to remind myself that it is just Ace but my heart won't stop pounding, breathing seems to be more difficult and when he goes to approach me I slide back until I am huddled against the wall.

I know I am over reacting Ace would never hurt me but the rational isn't helping the building panic. Hell I can even tell I am perfectly safe but the panic is still rising. I watch as Hero disappears down the hallway to Colt's room and want to tell him to leave colt alone he needs his rest, instead a whimper escapes my mouth. Before I know it colt is in front of me, I don't back away as I can't but part of me wanted to. I can see Ace's lips moving as Colt talks to him, hell I can tell Colt is talking to me but I can't focus on the words everything seems to be far away and the only thing I feel is impending doom. I focus on colt's lips wishing I could read them, his hand touches my chest and I cringe but stay still, and then it dawns on my he is trying to get me to slow my breathing. The cell phone in my hand goes off vibrating and I drop it shoving it away. His words and threats are filling my mind, and I truly think Paul may kill me. I push that thought far away he loves me he wouldn't...would he?

Colt is taking slow deep breaths so I mimic him, my eyes focused on his lips as my chest rises and falls in rhythm with his. I can feel my focus return to the room and I think Colt can tell this as he smiles lightly at me. "What's going on Punkers? It is just Ace he wouldn't hurt you." I shake my head and glance at Ace.

"Not Ace, he didn't do anything. It's Paul he left voice mails and text messages, reminding me of my place, threatening to end me. It is not safe for you to have me here, he could hurt you guys. Then Ace pulled me down on to the bed, and I don't know I felt like I was drowning. I'm sorry, you should be sleeping, I'm sorry for disturbing you." Although I know Colt is nothing like Paul I almost expect him to punish me for waking him up. I think he can tell this because a small frown passes over his golden boy looks.

"Punk no one is going to hurt you, and no one here is afraid of Paul. He is nothing and there are a lot more of us then him. If he comes here he is going to get himself killed, so I think he knows better then to even attempt to show up here. As far as the messages, ignore him, hell I'll help with that now." With that Colt picks up my discarded cell phone and breaks it in half.

"Are you insane? That was expensive Colt, all my contacts are in there, how are people supposed to get a hold of me now!" I grab the phone from his hand trying to put the two pieces back together somehow. My panic is long gone, now it is filled with irritation and I can see a smirk on Colt's face. Ace and hero have sat back down relaxing and I pathetically try to save my phone.

"I'll get you a new one tomorrow, with a new number." I reluctantly admit the phone has met its untimely death at the hands of my best friend and let the pieces fall back to the floor in front of me. "Punk it is okay for you to be scared, hell it is okay for you to react when Ace pulled you down, its been barely twenty four hours since you were raped." As soon as the word leaves Colt's mouth I am on my feet heading towards the kitchen not wanting to have this discussion.

"Shut up Cabana, that never happened." Colt is on my heels, and his hand grabs my arm stopping me.

"Did you want to have sex with him?" I bite at my lip and feel him rub my back gently.

"No"

"Did you tell him to stop? Did you tell him no?" I nod slowly hating where this is all going because it just adds to everything that is fucked up in my life now, and makes me a victim and I hate being a victim. 'So tell me what that is called Punkers, when someone says no and the person chooses to continue. What exactly is it called?" Colt is pushing and I know what he wants me to say but the word is stuck in my throat. "Tell me" Colt states again this time in a colder voice and I react instantly.

"Rape, it's rape Colt, he fucking raped me and now I have to fucking deal with so thanks a fucking lot." I go to continue my way into the kitchen when Colt wraps his arms around me, I want to be angry at him but I know he is just trying to help.

"I'm sorry I don't want to push you, I'm just afraid if I don't get you to see who Paul really is that you are going to go back to him. Forgive me?" I cringe and tense at these words, remembering instantly all the times lately I've heard them from someone else's lips. I need to stop comparing Colt and Paul it is almost as if I am looking for an excuse to run back to Paul and not trust Colt and the two of them are nothing alike.

"Don't, don't say that or ask me that, Paul does that. Can we talk about something else please, I'm about one second away from a fucking breakdown and don't know if I can handle more tonight. Please can we just all be happy, and talked about happy shit." I feel Colt kiss the back of my neck, and a warmth spreads through my body. I glance back at him, reaching back and caressing his cheek gently.

"Hey Punk, why'd you wake me up?" At Ace's question I shrug and then sigh knowing they won't let this go either so I turn towards Ace, Colt turning with me keeping his arms wrapped around my waist..

"I needed to talk to someone, have them make sure I didn't listen to my own head and go back to Paul. Sorry I woke you up." Ace rolls his eyes at me and I have to hide a smile.

"It's fine I'm sorry I grabbed you like that, I need to remind myself that you are a little sensitive at this moment in time. You can always wake me up, both of you seem to enjoy doing so. You wouldn't have got out the door without us realizing it." I feel annoyance at Ace referring to me as a little sensitive and it is actually a nice feeling, I haven't been allowed to feel anything in a while so getting annoyed and not having to prepare for an attack is kind of refreshing.

"What do you mean I wouldn't have got out the door?"

"We have it booby-trapped as soon as you opened it we would have known." I frown and glance over trying to figure out what they did.

"It's not to keep you in, it's for us to know if someone uninvited is attempting to join us." I know it's a lie but it makes me feel a little better when Colt tells me this.

"Wouldn't keep me in here, I went out on the fire escape earlier and could have climb down that to the ground."

"What? you did what? You went out there in that?" I glance down at Ace's words and see my shorts, a t-shirt of Colt's and see nothing wrong with my attire, hell I'm sure I've worn worse. "It's cold out, are you trying to catch pneumonia, put a coat on kid. Not to mention do you know how old that fire escape is, Colt doesn't live in the safest building. It could of collapsed just from you standing on it! Stay off of it or I swear you'll give me a heart attack." So ace is exaggerating, and being over protective, but it is nice and I've missed his fatherly presence in my life.

"Yes sir I'll stay off it" it is a lie I've spent a lot of time out on that fire escape in the past and will in the future it has a nice view of my city. I turn to Colt and see him yawn, so I take the lead and bring him back to the bedroom. He allows me to lay down first and then settles beside of me, his eyes never leaving my face. "Do you know you sleep like a star fish all your limbs sprawled out and pointing to different corners of the bed?" He smiles and leans over kissing my neck again.

"I'm used to sleeping alone, though having you in my bed is nice, though it would be nicer if you were here when I woke up. I'll try to give you more space. Are you okay?" I force a smile and shake my head no.

"Nope not by a long shot, but I don't want to talk about it right now. I will soon but not right now. Could you just kiss me again so I can have nice dreams?" He looks worried but his lips come down gently onto mine. Once again he keeps it frustratingly gentle, I want to increase the pressure but know better, it is not about me, I shouldn't worry about my own enjoyment only the person I am with, Paul taught me that. When he breaks the kiss I turn off, position myself against Colt so I am the little spoon. I keep his arms tightly around me, I won't sleep again tonight but he will and when he wakes I will still be here because that is what he wants, and I'll do anything to make Colt happy, anything to make him want to keep me around.

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><p><strong>Thank you to everyone who is reading this please remember to review!<strong>

**lamentomori- I'm glad it wasn't what you were expecting but in a good way, I know I said a happy Punk/Colt story but my muse took it out of my hands and this is the result. As we've talked about many times my Coltmuse will do anything to make Punk happy and keep him safe so as of now I think Colt's motives are unclear even to himself. Okay the english teacher in you comes out when you use big words like juxtaposition, and the american in me shows when i have to look that up, I thought I knew what it meant but had to check lol. **

**guest- thank you for thinking this is perfect i appreciate the high praise!**

**ClarellyJelly- Glad you are interested, I hope to keep you interest in this going.**


	3. Back on the Map

Punk is asleep when I slip out to the gym the next morning, I leave a note and inform both Ace and Hero where I am going. The fact that he is asleep is shocking, in truth I've never seen him sleep so much but I am guessing he needs it, his body is hurt but not as much as I fear his mind is. I think back to when we all met London, the chemistry between the two apparent from the first hello, and it didn't take long for them to fall into a relationship. Punk seemed happier then I had seen him in months, although Punk professional career was flourishing his personal life was in a constant funk, and I had huge concerns about him being depressed so when London showed up and he came off as this really nice guy I was relieved to have the burden of Punk's misery lifted from my shoulders. I didn't notice the signs of the abuse starting until it was right in my face, Paul would make subtle comments about Punk's weight, hair, attitude, really anything he could to degrade him and in front of all of us. Punk would laugh it off but looking back I should have seen it, his eyes would flash with pain and slowly he started to change himself. Then one day the bruises appeared it was always one excuse after another though, his opponent was stiff, he hurt himself in training, he fell wrong during a match. I believed him, hell we all did at first but now the truth is very apparent and shoved in out faces.

I think what hurts the most is no matter how many times we tried to talk to him, ask him if he was okay he would brush us aside, until we no longer had a place in his life. I should have fought harder I feel like I've failed him, and maybe that is why I am doing this, why I am trying to save him any way possible now is I failed him. I know him better than anyone, I know how he is and I should have seen the fucking signs, I think I may have but I figured Punk was stronger than that, and being friends with Punk can be intense so taking a step back for a while to recharge my batteries seems justified, except I left him in London's hands and now I have a broken down, shell of a friend who is clinging to me for survival. I wonder if I can be strong enough to hold the pieces together until he figures out how to get himself back together. I take all my anger out at the gym, working my body to the brink before deciding I fell a little better, and my head is clearer, the big thing is getting Punk far away from London, that is the point of the weekend ahead. Take punk out of town, remind him what it feels like to just relax and have fun with his friends, start rebuilding his confidence. I'm not sure if it is going to work, but when I return home I am reminded of how much it is needed.

Punk is curled up on the sofa, in the tiniest ball possible under that ugly quilt my mom made. He tenses when I open the door and it takes him a few seconds to relax when I enter the apartment. He gives me a small smile, and suddenly I miss his smirk the one that would spread across his face when he was plotting, or proud of himself. How I miss that smirk and his smile that would light up those green eyes, it has been far too long since I've seen a real smile on his face. "Hey beautiful, I grabbed us breakfast." I hold up the bag of take out walking over and tip his chin up I give his lips a quick kiss, knowing that affection through words or touch will help build him back up to the Punk I miss. He stands and follows me into the kitchen, Ace and Hero are busy drinking coffee and chatting when we enter. I hand out the food, digging into mine with relish, Punk on the other hand picks at his. Pushing around the pancakes, barely eating and I have to refrain from calling him on it. He is thinner then he needs to be and I have a feeling this is also London's doing. When I finish I just take his meal and toss it away, I don't speak and keep my face light. I know this is going to take time and I can not expect him to return to himself overnight, it is going to take time to get London out of his head. "I'm going to shower, want to pack a bag for this weekend Punkers and then we will head out." He nods staring at the glass of juice in his hand not once raising his head to meet my eyes and I refrain from sighing. Instead I try for something with a little more shock value. "You could always join me in the shower, wouldn't mind having someone to scrub my back." Finally his head pops up and his eyes widen meeting mine. The juice at least if forgotten and I have a reaction that is not sad, in fact I may have just gotten a touch of my missing smirk.

"Cabana, you couldn't handle me washing your back, hell I'm not sure you can handle me at all. Go shower, I will pack and then we can head out and if your ass is lucky you may get lucky this weekend." I wonder myself if I can handle him but do not voice it instead I approach and place both of my hands on the back of his chair leaning down I kiss him again a little more than a peck, but not to much he may think that he is ready for sexual stuff but I have a feeling it will be months before we get there he needs to deal with the rape and that is going to take time.

"I could handle you Punkers, all though this very hot ass is tempting me so much, I may kick everyone out and take you right here." He laughs lightly at my idle threat and shoves me away, I make my way towards the bathroom glancing back at Punk, and the haunted green eyes that meet mine scare me. I shower quickly removing the sweat of my workout, and plot in my mind. I need to get my hands on London and not go to jail for it and what better place than in the ring. I plan on contacting Gabe and asking him for a feud with London as soon as possible. When I go back to the living room I find Punk back on the couch and a half packed bag on the floor.

"He came in here started packing and then something startled him, he's been there ever since, we tried to talk to him but he is not responding. You know Colt this may be out of our area of ability and maybe professional help would be a good idea." I roll my eyes at Ace, like Punk would ever accept help from strangers we are fucking lucky he is here with us. I finish packing his bag, and my own then go and sit on the coffee table in front of him. I don't touch him, his eyes are rather unfocused and I have a feeling a touch could send him over the edge. So my solution is to just start talking about anything until he focuses.

"When I was younger Punk I had this huge crush on one of the New Kids on the Block, Jordan I think or maybe Joey, I don't remember now but I don't think I ever told you that. Then there was this one time my dad caught me having my GI Joe's make out, lets just say that was awkward as all hell and confirmed to him that I may be a little light in the loafers as he likes to say, but hey at least he is supportive. My mom tells me all the time that she knew the moment I was born, I guess us going out is going to make her happy, she I think likes you more than she likes me most of the time." He blinks at me and smiles faintly.

"Mom's always like me, well alls except my own. I don't think my parents ever noticed that I was gay or cared enough to comment on it. Really you had a crush on one of them, I may need to break up with you over that Colt. A New Kid crush is punishable by death I am sure of it." I reach my hand out and he takes it, very gently I tug him to his feet.

"Lets go Punker's, no more zoning out on me or I will sing bad karaoke the whole way to the cabin to keep you with me." He rubs his arm gently and follows us all out, as soon as we make our way to the car I am shoving Punk in and slamming the door. London is crossing the street towards us and I may kill him if he gets any closer. Ace sees the anger rising in me and shoves me into the driver's seat, Punk eyes are wide and although London's words are muffled by the windows I can still make out clearly the insults he is throwing at Punk. I catch the words slut, whore, and ugly, I also catch the threat of killing Punk and I feel myself losing it. I start the car gripping the wheel, Ace and Hero have met London before he can reach the car and I can see they are exchanging heated words led by Ace, I wonder if going to jail for vehicular homicide would be worth it. On e look over at punk and I know it would be, he is back to withdrawing his hand on the handle as if contemplating leaving, I will not allow that to happen. So reigning in my own anger I reach over and pry his fingers from the door, I turn his chin so he is looking at me. "You left him, he is angry but you are stronger than him. I promise you that he won't hurt you again. You have me now and I will do anything to protect you" I run my finger across his lip gently making sure London is looking our way I make my point and kiss Punk lightly as soon as I do the screaming increases but Punk visibly relaxes. I crank the radio drowning out London's incessant voice and relax against the seat.

I keep an eye on Ace and Hero making sure it doesn't get out of hand, and when London finally storms off Punk finally releases the tension from his body. I wish I had been outside the car, I wish I had been the one in London's face. I had a more important job however in keeping Punk calm and somehow I accomplished it. Ace and Hero enter the vehicle and I glance at Ace in the mirror, a few punches may have been thrown but not enough in my opinion. Ace is rubbing his jaw, but London get smacked around as soon as he threw the first punch. Mainly by hero who took offense to anyone touching Ace, they have an odd relationship I haven't figured out yet and I wonder if there is more there. I push away the thought and merge into the traffic, the paranoid part of me keeps an eye out in case Paul tried to follow us when I am sure the coast is clear I change focus to Punk. He is not withdrawn just not very engaged in the conversation so I decided to force him to be so. "Alright time for twenty questions and Punk is the only one who can ask questions." I see Punk roll his eyes but take a deep breath.

"Is it bigger then a bread box?" I laugh and shake my head no.

"Come on Punkers be creative." He frowns and I can see the wheels in his head turning.

"Is it a GI Joe? Cause really Colt we could stop at Toys R Us and pick you up a few if you want to relive your childhood memory." Sarcasm drips from his voice and I am so grateful to hear it that all I do is laugh and shake my head no.

"Be serious" I tell him repeating a line I have heard from his mouth several times. He gives me the tiniest of smirks and I think my heart rate increase. "Besides I have something much better I can play with once we get to that stage."

"Is it something you love?" I nod "is it a person?" another nod and I see him think. "Is it someone in this car?" Again a nod and I wait he looks at Ace then Hero before stating "Is it me?" It is soft and I almost miss it so I reach over and grab his hand. Holding it I nod giving his hand a squeeze. "I win" he states a little louder.

"You always win with me Punk." He turns so he is facing me and moves onto playing with Ace and Hero. His hand is warm in mine as we drive, his body language open to me and he eases into a light banter with his friends. I feel his finger moving in my palm, and so I concentrate as he traces letters and my smile is brighter when I figure out he is writing out I love you too. I love Punk I do, I'm just not sure if I am in love with him and part of me really hopes that this doesn't all come back to bite me in the ass.

We pull out to the dirt road a few hours later following it up to the cabin, I see the other car is already here and that Joe and Homicide are waiting on the porch. It should be an eventful weekend I'm not sure any of these guys exactly scream rustic camp living but being out of the city already has Punk changing, I just hope by the end of the weekend the changes will be a little more permanent.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading! Please remember to review!<strong>

**Guest- thank you for your kind words and your review!**

**Lamentomori- Okay so happy fic when way off course! Not trying to break your heart, but if it is provoking emotions that means I am accomplishing something. I will be taking a look at the psychological trauma, and how it affects Punk and also Colt going ahead. I actually attempted to start this differently but found myself unable to write the drama needed to break punk down but I think you will see some of it in flashbacks. Your on holiday lady you have more then enough time for emotional stress, all that relaxing needs a little angst!**

**ClarellyJelly- I also like the antagonist but I do not think Paul is going to be killing anyone in this story, at least not right away lol!**


	4. Fix a Heart

**I'm going to throw out the fact that there could triggers in this once again, talks of abuse, rape, starvation, and suicide will occur please don't read this if it will trigger you! Also some light smut at the end be forewarned!**

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><p>This weekend has been nothing but miserable for me, I know my friends are trying to force this great time on to me yet they will not stop treating me with kid gloves. I have someone constantly hovering, someone watching my every move, my every breath and analyzing, and I pretty sure report back to Colt when I've been out of his sight for a few minutes. Granted I may have had a few panic attacks over the last few days, and Colt seems to have the ability to calm me down it doesn't mean he is my keeper, or my fucking father. It just needs to stop I can not handle being with these people twenty four seven, I need space I am not a social being by nature so everyone needs to leave me the hell alone for ten fucking minutes. I really want to scream this at the top of my lungs but even here amongst friends I find myself holding back, remembering Paul's words that I am too outspoken, that my opinion doesn't matter, that I complain to fucking much. His voice haunts every move I make, I'm trying to break free of it but my friends acting like this isn't helping me relax and forget why we are all here.<p>

Colt is probably the worst, every time I flirt, every time I try to initiate any physical contact he fucking rejects me. I thought he had feelings for me, that he wanted to be with me but now I am beginning to think he lied to keep my away from Paul which makes no sense, Paul loves me so if you don't want me just let Paul have me. I know that perhaps my thinking may be off, that I am focusing all my attention onto Colt and making him my life raft because somewhere inside this thing with Paul is all wrong and I'm drowning with him, yet at the same time I love him, he is an amazing person and when we first got together it was so good I know things have been rough lately but they would get better if I just learned not to make him mad. Relationships aren't perfect and we have only been together a little under a year so we still need to learn each others triggers, I just have a tendency to push all of Paul's buttons and sure the consequences suck but that's part of the learning process.

Colt sits down beside me on the couch where I am currently watching the others play a rousing game of strip monopoly, not really sure how it works but Ace is obviously losing as he is down to his socks and underwear, not really a sight I want to see but its better than looking outside at more nature. I mean nature is pretty but it gets redundant and way too quiet. I miss the noise of my city but have no hopes of returning soon, hell Colt was talking about staying for a few extra days. "Where's your head at Punkers?" Colt's question doesn't startle me he's been staring at me since the moment he sat down.

"I want to go home" it really is that simple at least I think so until Colt speaks again.

"Where exactly is home for you Punk?" I don't want to respond to this, it would piss everyone off in this room that I think home is with Paul. So I chew on my lip ring and stare at the chipped polish on my nails. I give a little shrug and Colt visibly winces. The guys are still playing monopoly but a little less loudly and I know they are ease dropping. Anger rises in me out of no where, I'm not even sure who it is directed at but for the first time in a long time I feel the burn in my stomach and the need to lash out at someone despite the consequences.

"Home is where ever the fuck I want it to be Colt, stop fucking trying to control me I have had more of that lately then I ever needed in the first place. Everyone needs to back the fuck off and let me make my own fucking decisions, I am a grown assed man!" I hiss this despite wanting to shout but at least I express myself. Colt decides he is not holding back either and his responds stings but also stirs my anger.

"I'm trying to control you? Really Phil, do not compare my concern for you to his constant need to know where you are, approve where you are going and who you talk to, or his constant need to berate you in front of everyone so you know who is in charge. I am nothing like him Punk, and if that is how you want to live your life, feeling worthless, feeling like your walking on eggshells then fucking go. No one is stopping you, but when he finally kills you don't think I am going to your funeral." I feel like I'm about to explode, not so much from the anger but the truth in his words.

"Take me the fuck home now Cabana!" He laughs and shakes his head no.

"Find your own way home, your resourceful I am going to enjoy the rest of the weekend with our friends, I'm sure Paul will come pick you up and then beat the shit out of you, or hold you down and rape you. Whatever makes you feel loved these days." I stand from the couch and when he reaches out to grab my arm shove him away rather violently. I am out the front door before I realize it, standing in the darkness, he is behind me and I wonder if he would really let me leave. I need to hit something but see nothing that won't hurt. Colt is not an option, I would never hit him outside the ring so I storm over to the car hoping he won't mind the dent's we will call it even for my lack of cell phone currently. I slam my fist into the hood, over and over again I do this blood leaks from my knuckles but I don't feel it, hell I can't feel anything, yet I feel everything and the hurt is overwhelming. I'm not sure what stops me, the fact that I recognize that I am screaming, tears streaming down my face, the fact that I think I may have broken my hand, or Colt's arms around my waist pulling me back, I turn and shove him away collapsing onto the ground in front of the car. Holding my throbbing hand protectively to my chest I stare at him, unsure of why I find myself so angry at the man.

"Where were you?" Colt cocks his head and I know he needs more of a question, "where were you when he hurt me, when he broke me down to this, when he held me down god I wanted it to be you inside of me not him. I tried to pretend, go someplace else and it was always with you in my mind. You were gone though you pulled away from me even when I was reaching out, so why now what's changed? Do you even care about me at all?" I can see the tears the hurt in his eyes but I wait for an answer I want to know. He was the one person I could always count on, and he pulled away and I became shattered.

"I tried Punk so many times I tried but you never wanted to hear it. I would call, I would text, hell I did everything in my power to reach you once I knew he was hurting you. At first you seemed so happy so wrapped up in each other that I took a step back to let you be happy. I'm sorry if I didn't see it fast enough, I'm sorry if you think I let you down, I think I did too. I'm here now and I trying to make up for it, you just have to let me help you even if it is smothering or controlling I have the best of intentions. I love you Punkers you know that." I now he loves me and I know this is not his fault, but I need some one to blame, I know how fucked up I am now, how broken and this makes me want to give up even more. I promised myself I would never be this person but here I am and I have no clue how to heal.

"If you love me just do it gently Colt, I'm lost right now, and I'm not sure you can fix my heart." He nods and moves to sit beside me he takes my hand inspecting the damage and rolling his eyes at me.

"It takes time, when things break they don't heal overnight and your heart won't either. You need to give yourself that time to heal, I promise you it will get easier and when you are ready we will be together. We just got to get the damaged bandage first, stick with me Punkers and everything will be better. I think this is the first time I have seen that anger in you in months, its good to see the passion in your eyes even if it is aimed my way. You owe me a new hood by the way." I glance back at the car behind me and feel myself tense, Paul would kick my ass for this I know he is not Paul but my body reacts before my brain can catch up.

"I'm sorry don't hurt me please" It's out of my mouth before I am able to shut it up and I see the sadness flash back in Colt's eyes before he grabs my chin and forces me to meet his eyes.

"Not him, you need to stop thinking I am, I would never hurt you. It's just a piece of metal and I think I should be glad you took your anger out on it instead of my face."

"I would never hit you!"

"Exactly Punkers, I would never hit you either. Did you ever hit back with Paul." I cringe at the memories, but nod.

"In the beginning it was more about both of us beating the shit out of each other, he always started it and finished it, he is a lot more vicious and dirty when it comes to fighting so I learned it was less painful not to attack back." Colt seems to be contemplating something so I wait for his words thinking about how sexy his mouth looks when he is deep in thought.

"I want you to take out a restraining order against him, talk to Gabe and make sure he is not book on any of the same shows you are. You need to make sure he stays far away from you Punk. You can't heal if he has access to you." I want to protest, I know its stupid but I'm hoping we can still be friends Paul and I were once friends before all of this happened. Then again if I start pulling away from him, would I really want to be friends with him after everything he has done to me. My protest dies on my lips when Colt's very sexy mouth kisses me gently.

"Not fair, that is manipulating me to get your own way with kisses" I state when he pulls back from my mouth after making me agree to the restraining order. He shrugs and I can't help the smile that flashes onto my face. "Fine when we get back to town I'll take out the order. It's just a piece of paper though he can break it if he wants."

"Then he goes to jail, one way or another he will back off Punk, give you space to figure things out." I am about to respond make my doubts clear when I hear a low growl coming from the woods, granted it isn't close but a city boy does not like being outside at night in the country with growls, and howls. Colt laughs at the fright in my face and leads me back into the cabin. Now when I day cabin, I should say four bedroom, over comfortable, rustic home. It is not exactly camping but still watching the boys try to start a fire last night was kind of funny. Colt leads me to the kitchen, I don't look at our friends who I know were most likely watching my little melt down.

"I need ice" Colt gives me a duh look and nudges me to the table, I sit and he prepares the ice pack.

"What you need is a doctor, but if I know you then we won't go until tomorrow when your hand is so swollen you can't move any of it." I shrug but don't argue his logic, I hate hospitals and doctors and will do anything to avoid seeing them. "You need food too, you haven't even eaten enough in the last few days to fill a mouse." I knew that was going to come, he seems to watch me even more closely at meal times and never says a word but his face speaks volumes.

"I'm not used to eating a lot Colt, Paul always told me that I was fat and monitored what I could eat. I guess I'm just used to not having a lot of food in my system. I tried to sneak food one time" I finger the burn mark that is on my arm "I was so hungry hadn't eaten in two days, wrestled a couple of times and felt so dizzy. Paul caught me, I was boiling water for mac and cheese he had left to go out with some friends. I wasn't allowed to go with him because I would just embarrass him. As soon as he left I went for the food, he forgot his wallet and came back. The water was boiling when he poured it over my arm, I begged him to stop and he just laughed, I tried to leave that night but he locked me in the closet. He didn't let me out till the next day and after that I just stopped being hungry it was easier that way." I'm not even sure why I am confessing this to Colt, he is silent while I tell him of the abuse and I wait for the shock or disgust to cross his features. What I see confuses me, sadness and love are in his eyes this is not what I was expecting and I have no idea how to deal with what he does to me. "keep me from going back to him Colt, keep me from falling apart because he is going to kill me someday. He held a gun to my head once threatened to pull the trigger, I wanted him to then at least the pain would end. I prayed to a god who doesn't even exist to just let me die on so many occasions. I tried to leave I did, but he never let me. He is going to kill me, one of these days he will, nothing is going to stop him. I'm scared." I whisper the last part hating feeling so weak in front of Colt. Yet he is there in front of me, arms securely around me and I take comfort in his embrace.

"I got you now, he is not ever going to get close to you again I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep Colt."

"I'm not, he is not going to get near you, you are safe. Everything he has done he will pay for. I've got you Punk, I won't let you go back no matter what, I will keep you safe." I want to believe his words and they do sooth some of the fear but the fact is he can't be with me twenty-four hours a day and Paul will wait until the right moment to strike.

"Do me a favor, don't be too far away. Be there when I need you, and make this a safe place to fall. I need some place safe its been so long since I've felt that. You have control of my heart, and my life now. I can seem to straighten any of it out, so I give it to you." he shakes his head and kisses me lightly.

"Nope I won't take control of anything from you, everything you have is yours and belongs to you. What I will do is safeguard both your heart and your life, I will protect you until you can protect yourself again." I wonder if he knows what he does to me, how he changes and shakes my world.

"Do you even know what you do to me?" he laughs and stands heading over to the fridge.

"The same thing you do to me. You make me weak Punkers." This little admission I think even catches him off guard and sends my heart into a tailspin, maybe he does care about me more than as a friend or a cheap fuck. I watch as he prepares a meal, when he places the plate down in front of me I raise an eyebrow. Macaroni and cheese stare back at me, scary looking mac and cheese at that. Kind of runny and lumpy at the same time. "I figured you hadn't had it since that night and I know how you love the stuff." It's the thought that counts not the taste or look right? I place a piece carefully in my mouth, the noodles still hard and I think he may have added the whole salt container. I try a few more bites before standing.

"Good effort" I state and go about making a fresh box, this seems to make him happy and it dawns on me this may have been a trick to get me to cook and not be worried about being attacked with hot water. I guess it worked as I easily make the meal and go to sit back down a bowl for me and one for Cabana. I take small bites and Colt places a hand on my leg running it up and down slowly it, causing an comforting but oddly erotic feeling, definitely distracting and before I know it I've finished my dish and he is feeding me from his. I feel fuller then I have in months and think I may pay for this later, right now Colt's hand is very much the only focus I have. So when he tries to feed me another bite I nip at his hand affectionately. "Full Cabana" I state and slide from my seat so I am straddling his lap. He settles his arms around me and I sigh knowing that he won't allow this to go to far. "If I said I was ready, and want to be with you what would your response be?" He kisses the side of my neck lightly and then trails his tongue up so he can suck on my ear lobe. I let a small moan escape and then freeze in his arms. It is not about my pleasure but his, I should be making him feel good not the other way around.

"I would say that you are lying and beyond not ready for this if you tense when I just do that." I squeeze my eyes shut not really wanting to explain my reasoning but seeing no choice.

"No it's just that I should be doing that not you, sex isn't about me feeling good, it doesn't matter if I enjoy it, you are the one that matters." Colt blinks repeatedly at me before standing with me in his arms, he carries me out of the kitchen, through the living room which is now scattered with random monopoly pieces and clothing. Everyone is stretched out watching a movie so I give Joe a questioning look.

"Ace is apparently a sore loser so we gave out on monopoly when he through the board.: I nod not sure I understand the lack of clothing still.

"Punk and I are going to bed don't fucking disturb us we need to have a discussion. Put some clothes on ace my parents wouldn't appreciate your naked ass on their couch" I wonder what more we need to discuss, haven't we talked enough tonight. When we enter the room he sets me down on the bed and untangles himself going across the room to lean against the dresser. I sit cross legged in the center of the bed and stare waiting for whatever he wants to say.

"When was the last time you enjoyed sex?" I shrug trying to remember its been a while. "Fuck Punk this is so messed up. When was the last time you had an orgasm?" I blushed and wish we were talking about anything else besides this.

"When he made me." Anger flashes in Colt's eyes but for once it doesn't make me tense I am honestly just curious where this is all going.

"made you, when he raped you?" It is really more of a statement then a question and I want to argue the word rape instead I just nod. "He really took away everything from yo didn't he?" I pick at a string on the comforter but find myself nodding again in agreement I may not be able to voice it yet but my mind knows how far gone I am. "You are so nowhere near ready to have sex with me, when I am with someone it is about both of us having the fucking time of our life. It's not about one person's pleasure over another. However I am going to push that belief aside to remind you how much pleasure you can have. Just know we are not going all the way right now, and keep your hands off my dick." I blink at him unsure of what he means. He crosses the room and pushes me back onto the bed, I wait wondering what Colt is thinking. The shorts on my hips are pulled down and he exposes me to his eyes I can't help but to think I don't measure up. I have an urge to cover myself but instead clench the blankets, my need to be pleasing him almost over taking me. He sees the conflict in my eyes and leans down beginning to kiss me, it is slow and gentle. It makes the strokes that are now happening to my penis, Colt's hand bringing me to hardness. He trails kisses to my neck, sucking and licking I hold back a moan when he fins the sweet spot on my neck, not wanting to make noises. "Stop holding back Punk, I want to ear every moan, every whimper, everything your body feels I want to know I am making you feel good. I want you to be very vocal, talk dirty to me." Oh that feels so wrong and yet I immediately respond.

He keeps this slow stroking and exploration of my mouth going until it is maddening. "please Colt stroke me harder, please" he gets the whine that he wants but instead of complying he stops complete. I let out a frustrating groan almost ready to take matters into my own damn hands.

"Nope, no begging you want something you demand it, I know you and somewhere inside of you there is a part who knows how to demand and get what he wants." I don't really know fully what he wants but I try to give it to him.

"Stroke me harder Colt." He actually snorts at me and goes to get up.

"Like you mean it Punkers." I grab his arm pulling him back down, my hand grabs the back of his head and I pull him into a fierce kiss. Pulling away after a moment I glare at him, done with this teasing.

"Either stroke me fucker, or suck me, stop playing the fuck around or I am going to punch you in the balls." I smirk because damn if that didn't feel good or natural. Colt kisses me lightly before descending my body.

"See all you need to do is make things happen and good things come to you" with that he takes me into his mouth and starts sucking. I can not remember the last time some one blew me, it was not something Paul ever did. So the feeling is mind blowing, and that dirty mouth appears that Colt wants. Hell I think I've called him every name in the book, demanded a hell of a lot more of his pretty mouth. I would normally be embarrassed but it feels so good that I could care less. I come hard into his mouth, and he swallows every drop, he leans up and kisses me and I feel his hard on against my thigh.

"I could return the favor" I state and go to reach for his crotch.

"Nope no touching remember, not about me about you. I'm going to go take a shower, get ready for bed." I think about joining him in the shower, I think about demanding he fuck me, taking advantage of the little lesson Colt is trying to teach me but I don't I clean up and change into my pajama pants. Then I settle into the blankets for once rather satisfied, I am almost drifted off when Cabana joins me on the bed. His skin touches mine and it is like ice, and it damns on me he took a cold shower. He sacrificed warmth and pleasure for me, I smile in the darkness pulling him close, wondering if this is the start to fixing my heart.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading, I hoped you liked this. I want to hear from you, love it, hate it, think it is just horrible I appreciate the feed back so please remember to review!<strong>


	5. Shadows of the Night

I leave him asleep in my bed, the taste of him still lingering in my mouth. I walk into the living room and observe the human causalities, I want to talk with someone but they are all passed out at least most of them put there clothes back on before deciding to sleep in the living room. I find a blanket and toss it over Ace's naked body, I think the man is more comfortable nude then with clothes on it is something we are all used to seeing. I slip out onto the porch, I settle into the old wooden swing observing the stars above us. I know Punk is unhappy here, he doesn't thrive in the country more than a few hours away from the buzz of the city and he gets anxious. I honestly think that the quiet and isolation give him too much time to sit with his own thoughts, where as in the city no matter the time of night or day he can find a place to go when his head won't shut up. I would gladly take him home in a heart beat but we are staying up here for the rest of the week and there is a reason one I can not tell him. My parents are in the process of moving all of my stuff and Punk's into a home with a security system, the day we arrived I received a call from my landlord, my place had been broken into, it was trashed and some very harmful words spray painted on the walls.

I immediately called home and ever since my parents have taken it upon themselves to find us a new place, with a security system, a door man, and buzzer. It's a little out of my price range but my parents insisted on helping and to keep Punk safe I took them up on the offer. I need to check in with my parents but want Punk not to be around and this is the first time I've had the chance. I pull out my phone and speed dial my mom, who I believe may be Punk's biggest fan and my biggest critic at times. "Hey Scott honey, how is Phil?" Of course no how are you doing, right to Punk and I wouldn't expect less the women has such a soft spot for my best friend? Boyfriend? Not really sure how to define our relationship at this point.

"He is doing okay mom, going through a lot right now. How's the move going Punk is anxious to get out of the country." My mom laughs as if I am stating the most obvious thing in the world.

"Of course he is, we've almost finished moving everything, do you feel like talking about what we found under your bed? No probably not, your dad tells me all the time you are not a child anymore but I can't help still thinking of you as my little boy. The police investigating the break in didn't find anything, bunch of useless idiots in my opinion. So how are you and Phil, ready to admit you are in love with him yet. Having him as my son-in-law would be nice." This is why I don't call her for advice I remind myself, she thinks I love Punk, hell she has been pushing me to be with him since the very first time we met. It's frustrating and exhausting to always try to explain to her that our relationship is not like that. Yet this time I could give her a different answer, I could tell her Punk and I are dating that we are taking things slow but the words are caught in my throat. So I brush aside her questions, thank her quickly and come up with an excuse to get off the phone. I clutch the phone in my tense fist, wondering why the fact my mom loves Punk bothers me, and the fact that she wants us together bothers me more.

The swing dips and I glance over to see Ace beside of me, at least he found some clothes before coming outside. "Where's Punkers?"

"Asleep." Ace glances at me critically and I almost want to squirm under his scrutiny.

"What's wrong, tired of playing white knight to the damsel in distress already?" I shake my head confused by the question.

"I'm nobodies white knight, nothing's wrong just finished talking to my mom she can get on anybodies nerves." Ace settles in and continues with the staring and I finally squirm with the feeling of being uncomfortable.

"You are most definitely Punk's knight in shining armor, he is clinging to you and I think you both are using the situation to manipulate each other. He is in love with you and wants any reaction he can get, you want your best friend back, you want to see him happy and are using his emotions for you to get your own way. I would suggest stopping that quickly with the emotional abuse he has gone through on top of everything, you need to be careful how you handle things. Using his feelings for you for your own purposes could be consider an abuse all of its own." I know he is right I've been thinking that it is unfair of me to go on with this ruse of being in love with him but I am afraid if I end it he will run back to London, I just need him to be stronger and then I can let him down gently.

"I never asked to be anyone's hero, I know how he feels, and I wish I felt the same way it would make things so much easier. I'm not trying to hurt him, I just want to keep him safe and if I tell him how I feel he will go back to Paul we all know that. He isn't manipulating me, I don't think he is capable of manipulating anyone right now." Ace laughs lightly and slaps me upside the head.

"You willingly took on this role, and you willingly keep saving him. He is relying on you to fix things at this point and you run to do so. I over heard a lot of the conversation you had with Punk today, you don't think him blaming you for not being there was a form of manipulation, or how he casually dropped pieces of his abuse in your lap to get a reaction. It's not intentional as far as I can tell, what I think is he is pushing you away waiting to find the thing that is too horrific for you to deal with so you will let him run back to Paul. I could be wrong and he may be deceitful enough to be using his abuse to get you to feel sorry for him and stay but that doesn't really seem like Punk to me. Oh and before I go back to bed let me just get something off my chest. You like him broken, you play his knight because it makes you feel good about yourself. You Colt have been in love with him just as long as Punk has been in love with you. It is why when he started dating London you got distant you hated that someone else made him happy, now he is this fragile little thing and clinging to you and you swoop in for the save. When he starts healing, when he starts becoming strong again I wonder if you will still want him? Do you like being with this Punk because it's easier for you? You love him of that I have no doubt but which version do you want?" I swallow hard I know it is rhetorical but I feel the need to give him at least part of an answer something I figured out when Punk and I were in the bedroom.

"If I wanted to be with Punk or as you say love Punk, then it would be the middle, I find him attractive when he is an ass, when he is fighting the whole world, I desire and want to fuck him when he is being timid and shy. Not really sure if those two sides can ever exist at the same time though, I will take your advice into consideration though Ace. Even if I think you are wrong I will consider your words." Ace smiles and I see a glint in his eyes that I don't quite understand.

"So you want Punk, you've thought about it too much to deny that. You just want Punk healthy, hmm, and a timid in bed. I think that means submissive and from what I've heard through the grapevine that exists, it just may be hidden in pain now. Be patient you may be surprised at the results, also start telling people you are together, making him your dirty little secret will only reinforce some of the shame he feels from Paul and his own decisions." Damn it I wish Ace would stop adding to my confusion, what rumors and why haven't I heard them I need to ask someone else though Ace is done he makes that very clear by standing and walking off. I am positive I am not in love with Punk the way Ace claims, but then again I'm not really sure I know anything lately besides the fact that Punk has become the center of my universe. I shot my mom a quick text letting her know Punk and I are together, Ace is right I can't hide this if I want it to be real.

I switch off my phone and head back inside, the bed is empty and so I go in search of Punk, I find him in the very last place I check, curled up on the closet floor. He is sound asleep and I hate to wake him but really he can not sleep here, I don't even know why he is here. I shake his shoulder gently repeating his name several times when his eyes pop open and he slides away from me quickly. I wait for him to focus knowing his mind never works right when he first wakes up, he glance around several times before he finally sees me and relaxes. "What are you doing in the closet?" He looks down picking invisible ling from his pajama pant's.

"I heard a noise and got scared so I hid in here, not sure if it was a real noise or I had a nightmare. I woke up and you were gone and the closet seemed safe, Paul locked me in the closet a few times when he thought I was trying to leave him, it was always so peaceful, I think he meant it as a punishment but if I was in the closet he left me alone, he was yelling at me or hurting me. I could just rest, I know it sounds odd but I felt safe." I hold my hand out and he takes it allowing me to lead him over to the bed. Once I have him settled I glance outside, wondering if he had heard a noise or he dreamed it deciding to get the others to investigate I turn my phone back on and shoot a text to Ace asking him to check around outside as Punk may have heard something that scared him. I glance briefly at the messages from my mother before taking him back firmly into my arms.

"My mom wants us to have dinner at her house, sometime next week. She is thrilled we are together." His face lights up briefly and I can help but give myself credit for telling my mom.

"You told your parents we are together.?"

"Of course I did I tell my mother everything, and even if I don't she finds out on her own. I would really like to know how parents do that." He laughs at me it is light but still makes my heart stutter and I need to figure that out but not yet.

"Must be nice having parents you can talk to. I guess I have Chez's mom but I've pushed them away so much I wonder if they even still consider me family." I roll my eyes at him about to respond when my phone goes off. I glance at the text and stand pulling Punk to his feet.

"We are heading home, I've had enough of the woods myself at this point. So pack up your stuff, we are going to my new place. I'm not fully moved in yet but I think you'll like it. Chez and her family love you, they've been really worried about you so in the morning give them a call, you can use my phone." He is looking at me as if I've grown a second head, I know he wants to ask me questions and I will answer him once we are on the road. The guys found foot prints in the wet grass, they lead right to the window. Punk was not hearing things, I can't be sure it's London but really who else would it be. "Pack Punk, we need to leave." He seems to sense my urgency and so he complies and we meet up with everyone out in the driveway a few minutes later. As we load the suitcases I have Punk in the front seat and I can see the concern and the fact he's figured out that we are all on edge he keeps glancing around. Checking the woods and searching in the darkness with his eyes. I notice a glint of silver on ace's back and tug up his shirt, the gun there surprises me. "What the hell Ace" I hiss this not wanting Punk to over hear.

"It's a gun, I have a permit relax, besides I'm not the only one packing." He nods towards Joe and I can not help but feel a little more relaxed. "Do you know how to use one of these? Do you own a gun?" I shake my head no at both of these questions. "You need to learn, you need to get one. You took Punk away in his mind, he is not giving up, he will not hesitate to hurt you in order to get Punk back." It's whispered but I swear Punk can hear his whole body appears tense to me, so I just nod and finishing shoving the suitcases into the car. I slide into the driver's seat, following Punk's line of vision to where he is currently staring into the woods. I see nothing and reach over to take his hand, starting the engine.

"Why did you move suddenly?" I'm not sure the truth is a good answer but lying seems pointless.

"My place has been broken into, my parents feel I need a more secure building for my own safety." I turn the vehicle around in the driveway and head up the old dirt road. I see Punk looking over his shoulder, and glance in the rear view mirror, I see the shadow then, right where Punk had been staring, I slam on the breaks and throw the car into park. I am out of the car and rushing towards the shadow, whoever it is flees into the woods and I growl wanting to give chase but Ace stops me. He uses reason on me so I return to the car, and once again we head up the road.

"He's not going to stop is he?" I want to reassure him but I don't think any answer I could provide would make him feel better. As we come to the end of the road I see the car off on the side and nod towards it. Punk glances over at it and sighs "Paul's" he states tiredly, I stop and am about to slide out when Hero stops me.

"I got this" He leaves the car and I just squeezes Punk's hand, we watch as Hero slashes the tires preventing Paul from following us home. When he returns to the car no one speaks, in fact the whole ride back to Chicago is silent. I go to my parents first, Punk is actually asleep in the passenger seat I think it's avoidance to dealing with the real world. I question my mom on how Paul could have found us. She points out that the property is in their names, and they pay taxes a quick search would bring it up. Wouldn't be hard to put two and two together, she is right and I think we need to be more careful. I ask about the apartment and am finally given a key and the address. The area in which the apartment building is I could never afford, hell it's in the nice part of the city. Way out of my budget, I want to protest but know that the first year has already been paid, I make a mental note to repay my parents if I ever make it big. I write the address down for the guys refusing to voice it out loud, and I think maybe even my paranoia is getting the best of me. I drop everyone off and head to the building, I have my own parking spot in the garage and can't help the small thrill this gives me. No more hours of searching for a spot and getting soaked, or freezing when I have to park blocks away.

I very gently wake Punk up and retrieve out bags from the trunk by the time I round the car Punk is standing by the car blinking. "Where are we?" I inform him that we are at the new apartment and walk with him towards the lobby. The lobby is very secure, there is a receptionist twenty four hours a day and three security guards sitting around. The lady greets me and questions who I am, after showing her our identification she welcomes us to the building. She asks if we have any questions both of us look around the large lobby, I honestly think we both feel out of place here. She explains where the laundry room is, the gym, and the pool. Well we never need to leave, just have food delivered and we are in heaven. We get onto the elevator and I notice Punk staring at himself in the mirrored wall. He runs his fingers across the bruises on his face, his throat, and the ones visible under his jacket sleeves, finger prints wrapped around his wrists. "You deserve much better than me. I don't belong here." I slide behind him and kiss the side of his neck.

"there is no one better for me then you Punk." I actually think it may be the truth, at least in this moment. "Neither of us belong here that is why we are going to have so much fun, you scaring them with your colored hair, tattoo's and nail polish, me freaking them out by making out with my boyfriend in the hallway. Don't worry we are going to be having fun here, plus it is safe Punk. Mom said she tried to make the apartment feel comfortable to both of us. So lets give it a try before we refuse to stay." He nods pressing against me tightly, the elevator opens on the ninth floor and we find the apartment, we enter and I type in the code for the alarm system. It takes me a moment to find the light switch, and when I do Punk gasps and rushes from my side over to the window. The view is incredible, Chicago lit up and already I know Punk will be at home here. Most of my furniture is gone replaced by brand new stuff, my mother said it came with the place I think she is lying but decided my stuff would not look good in here so I let it go.

We explore together, the kitchen is small but big enough for the two of us, and the fridge is fully stocked Punk retrieves a Pepsi from the fridge with a smile. The bathroom is spacious and includes a tub big enough for two. There are two bedrooms, one has a spare bed and I find it funny my mother put none of Punk's stuff in here, but assumed we would be sharing a room. I see the touches she added for me in this room, my bench press in one corner and a huge TV. Obviously things to make me happy, and I can't help but feel good that she would think to add these things for me. When we enter our bedroom Punk's face lights up again, the view of the city is shown through the balcony doors. The sun is actually starting to rise so after checking out the small bathroom off of our room, and the huge walk in closet and being totally embarrassed by my mother who left all my porn movies, and magazines on my bed with a note that implied I didn't need them when I had Punk for these matters. He laughs and I stutter quickly shoving the items into a hiding spot. I then pull Punk out on the balcony and together we sit there watching the sun rise, him in my lap, my arms protectively around him. I wonder if this is the start of something better, something new, a fresh beginning or if this place is just the makeup covering the cracks in us both.

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><p><strong>Thank you so much for taking the time to read this! Please review!<strong>

**Guest- I think he is falling too, thanks for your amazing words it almost makes me smile when people think my work is perfect as I tend to tear it to shreds myself.**

**lamentomori- Alright lady I'll slow down posting so you can review lol! I agree Colt is hovering and I feel he will hover for a while until spoiler something drastic happens! Punk will soon be on the forging ahead and not dealing with any of it kick. I think colt is going to have his hands full slowing him down, making him deal with the issues at hand. Colt's not perfect though and has his own issues that will soon come to light! Nature and Punk are too polar opposites I almost think he is thankful London showed up so they could go back to his beloved city! Colt's softly softly approach is going to make Punk snap and is doing nothing to help despite the fact that Punk needs someone to be tender with him. Thanks for the awesome reviews I love reading your input and opinions. **


	6. Home

Punk's POV

I watch as he paces like a caged lion across our too big living room, we've been in this apartment for a week and he refuses to let either of us leave. Colt is convinced that the moment I walk outside Paul will be there, he may not be wrong but I honestly don't think Paul has a clue where we are. By effectively trapping me here he has trapped himself, he can leave me alone out of fear that I will ignore his millions of warnings not to leave, not to be alone. At first his constant concern and worry has a comforting feeling now I feel suffocated and although this new place is nice it has too much space, all of our apartments in the past have been cramped, small, forcing us to be close whether we wanted it or not, here we can go to our own places and never speak to each other. I love the view but I hate it here, I know Colt's parents were doing what they thought were best but the space in this place just points out to me that it will never be home. Home has always been with Colt for me yet now he pulls away while protecting me, I can't get a read on him and normally he is always the place I would go rest my head, but now here with him I feel a tiredness in my bones, a coldness and I'm afraid that his words are pretty lies.

I pack my bag slowly trying to decided if my decision is smart, Paul could kill me if I go back, but staying here is killing what Colt and I have. Any chance of a future is disappearing with every minute I stay. I don't want to leave, I really don't but Colt needs me to not be here, something is wrong between us and spending every minute together will not make it right. I pull the bag to my shoulder, noticing how little I have to my name. I guess possessions are only good for people willing to set down roots, someone who has a home and I don't not anymore. I'm not sure I'm going back to Paul I just can't stay here, not any longer. I really want to leave without him noticing me so I hope he is anywhere but the living room, I have no luck what so ever as he is leaning against the door watching me. His eyes are void and I feel afraid that somehow I have broken us, yet I'm not even sure how it all happened. "You are not leaving Punk." I sigh and move closer to him the space between us seems to wide and I am unsure of how to close the divide.

"You can not keep me here Colt, I've had enough of people keeping me places against my will. Just move and I'll be out of your life." He shakes his head and remains in place.

"You always do this, cut and run when shit gets too hard, then you burn the bridge behind you. This time you are blowing it up while we are both standing on it Punk. Have you even thought this through. Where are you going to go? Back to him, back to the pain you find such comfort in?" I swallow hard and rub my forehead unsure of how to even answer him.

"Colt you don't want me here, you keep me here because you think you are saving me. You don't actually want me here though." He walks towards me and takes me arm leading me over to the couch. He slides the bag from my shoulder, and pushes me gently on the couch and that's how we get back to me watching him pace. He hasn't spoken for a while and I wonder why I am still sitting here, hoping somehow he finds the words to sooth my soul again.

"I want you here Punk, I honestly do, I'm confused by all of this now. I need time, I need you to not expect us to suddenly be in this intense relationship but take it slow with me. I don't want you to think I am holding you hostage in our home. That is not my intention I just think you need time to heal, and I don't mean physically but emotionally, mentally, you are not whole right now. Please just let it happen in its own time don't rush this, don't push me away when we haven't even started yet. Maybe I'm going about this all wrong but give me a chance." I stare at my hands the nail polish chipping away and wonder how to give him what he wants, he wants me healed what if I can never heal.

"I just feel like we are growing too far apart for any of this to work, Paul he loves me and despite the pain I know underneath all of it he loves me Colt. With you I feel like I am balancing on the sharp end of a knife, waiting for you to decide if I'm good enough. I'm not good enough I never will be, I will never be the Punk you use to know. He changed me, no matter what, his actions have changed me and it may not be fixable Colt. The wounds may be too deep, the scars permanent on my skin and my soul. What happens if I can never be that man again? Will you still want me then, when I'm scarred and broken will you still love me?" His pacing stops and he approaches me pulling me to my feet. His hand cups my cheek gently, and I breathe him in closer to the man then I have been in days. His distance does damage and I don't think he realizes how much it affects me.

"You will always be beautiful, scars or not. So you've changed, everyone changes that's part of life. You can heal but you will never know unless you try. I've been giving you space because that is what I thought you needed. You were raped Punk, I don't want to hurt you more by touching you, I don't want to make it worse. I've never been through this with anyone so I don't know what I should do, or what I shouldn't do. I'm trying to help and if I am failing I'm sorry. Don't give up just yet though, we can figure this all out it's just going to take time." I lick my lips and press a light kiss to his mouth, he returns it gently the hand cupping my face slides and holds the back of my head loosely. He is giving me a chance to escape if I need it, what he doesn't seem to understand is that in his arms is the only place I feel safe, feel at peace. I wish I could explain it in words, how much he has become my home but instead I just pull back and give him a small smile.

"I'm going stir crazy Colt" He nods and takes my bag back to the bedroom, this is the third time in the last week he has unpacked my bags and I wonder how many times he is going to fight me on leaving before he just lets me go.

"Come on, let's get out of here?" I follow him to the door and head to the elevator.

"Where are we going?" He shrugs and takes my hand holding it loosely. When the door to the elevator opens I actually feel some fear looking out. I may not want to be stuck in the apartment all the time but the fact is Paul is out there and I have no clue what he would do to me if he got his hands on me now. He threatened me so many times, threats I am sure he would follow through on. The restraining order is temporarily in place but that doesn't mean he wouldn't break it. I inch myself closer to Colt trying not to make it obvious that there is fear running through my blood.

"You want to go out to eat, or we could go to a movie, or go visit someone. Whatever you want to do." I lick my lips trying to find my voice, my mouth dry. I follow Colt outside, the cool Chicago air feels good against my skin. I glance around and relax when I see no one I know. "He doesn't know where we live Punk, everything is going to be okay."

"Can we go out to eat, maybe grab a pizza or something call Ace or some of the guys to meet us." Colt agrees and pulls out his phone sending out a text message. We walk to the train and go deeper into the city, back to where it feels more like home. We walk to one of our favorite pizza dives, a hidden gem in the city. Heading inside Colt asks me where I want to sit so I head over to a booth where I can see the door. Colt slides in beside of me and a waitress approaches we order soda's and Colt informs her a few more people are joining us. The chime over the door sounds and I tense until I see Ace and Chez walking in towards our table. I raise an eyebrow as I haven't seen Chez in months and despite the fact Colt has encouraged me to call her and her family I've refused almost to embarrassed to try to repair the relationship. Colt slides out of the booth and pulls me to my feet behind him, Chez approaches and just wraps her arms around me. I bury my face into her neck fighting back tears.

"Hey Punkers, how ya doing." I smile pulling back and wiping at my arm, I whack Colt gently on the arm.

"Could have warned me" he shrugs and we settle back into the booth. There is an awkward silence, and I spin my new phone on the table surface not looking up at my friends. "Can we switch seats Colt?" I ask suddenly not liking the feeling of being trapped in the corner. He nods and we quickly switch spots. I lean against Colt's side and he slides his arm around my shoulder, the affection does not go unnoticed by Chez who looks between us.

"Are you two together?" Before I can answer Colt does.

"Yes we are, we are taking things slow and easy though." Chez's face lights us and then she frowns.

"What about Paul?" I take a deep breath the name actually making my heart beat a little faster, I glance towards the door.

"I have a restraining order against him, we have to go to court in a few days to make it permanent." She nods and reaches across the table taking my hand.

"That's a start but he should be in jail for what he has done Punk." I just blink, Colt has been trying to make this point also but I don't want to have to relive everything more than my brain already does. The waitress returns and takes our order, as she leaves the door chimes gain and my whole body tenses. I try not to look towards the door, trying not to let the paranoia take over. Colt seems to notice the change and rubs my shoulder gently. He murmurs that everything is okay and it is not Paul. Chez's thumb is stroking across a scar on my wrist and she is staring at it, I slide my hand from hers and pull the sleeve of my hoodie down. "What is that from?" I shrug taking a sip of my soda.

"Just a scar, I've got plenty of them. I don't really want to talk about it though. Can we just enjoy our meal without talking about Paul anymore, he is out of my life." Everyone agrees silently and we make idle chitchat through our meal, no one brings up Paul, and after a little bit I find myself relaxing and actually having fun. It's been a while since I've been out and not been afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. After we finish our meal we all head out of the restaurant, standing outside I huddle into Colt's side to avoid some of the coldness in the air. We continue the easy conversation, but then I feel it and my paranoia returns full force, I spin around slowly my eyes scanning the street. Colt turns with me his eyes following my own. "He is here" I state that simply trying to keep any feeling out of my voice.

"Where is he" Ace asks standing on the other side of me.

"I don't know, I just know he is, I can feel his eyes on me." Colt turns me and we all begin to walk down the street. I want to look back over my shoulder but can not force myself to do so. Ace glances back a few times before he stops and spins. As the man stalks down the side-walk I see a flash if silver in his hands, he approaches a dark car park on the road. He knocks harshly on the window, it is rolled down and I see Paul smirking out. His eyes on me not on Ace, at least briefly until the silver object is pressed right against his nose. A gun, Ace has a gun, where the hell did he get a gun. Colt tugs me and I reluctantly follow after him, I want to watch what happens, hoping that Ace doesn't make this worse for me. Hell I think he already has, Paul is going to kill me, hell he is stalking me at this point. We arrive at the train and board at soon as it comes, I glance at Colt curiously wondering why we are just leaving Ace behind.

"He is going to meet up with us in a little bit, just making sure London can not follow us back to our place. Everything is going to be fine, he will be by the apartment in a little bit once he is sure he can get there without Paul figuring out where it is." I nod and just cling to Colt, the anger in Paul's eyes scared me and I have no doubt he wants to hurt me, my fear is that he is not going to come after me, he is going to go after the people I care about. I need to go back to him, he will leave everyone alone if I go back to him.

"We should call the police, he broke the restraining order" I shake my head sadly.

"No it's a public street if front of a restaurant, he'll just say he was going out to eat and ran into us. That he didn't approach, we approached him and threatened him. It would most likely just get Ace in trouble. Let's just go home." Colt nods and the train heads towards out stop, my mind in turmoil but made up I am going back to Paul before he hurts someone I care about, before he hurts Ace.

When we arrive home Colt watches as I walk down to the bedroom, I stand in the middle of the room unsure of what I am doing, my bag lays unpacked on the bed but I don't even know if I should take the stuff with me. So I just head for the front door, his arms wrap around my waist stopping my escape plan. "You are not going back to him, nor are you leaving when you are this upset." I struggle against his grip and although he keeps it light he refuses to let me go.

"I have to go Colt, just let me go. He is not going to stop, he'll hurt people I care about. He will hurt you he threatened that if I ever left him for you he would kill you and make me watch. Just let me go I have to go back." I struggle trying to make my way to the door.

"No Punk, you are staying right here, stop you are scaring Chez." I ignore that statement and spin in his arms I have to make him understand let me go.

"I love him and I have to go back, he'll hurt you. Besides you don't love me you lied. I need to go back just let me go Colt. You haven't cared in a long time, you fucking let him hurt me for months so it doesn't matter anymore does it. You abandoned me and went on to live your life in bliss, while I was in hell so just fucking let me go." His grip tightens and I think about punching him, not because I want to get away because of the anger I see across his face.

"You can blame me all you want if that makes you feel better, however I am not letting you run back to him, out of some deluded idea that it would protect me. I am miserable without you in my life Punk and I will do anything to keep you safe. Do I love you, I don't fucking know but you sure are not making it easy for me to figure out. I have feelings for you and I wish you would stop constantly fighting me. I'm not going to hurt you so stop looking at me like that, I am not fucking him." He snaps and I'm silent though my struggles are lessened. "Although locking you in a closet sounds good right now" He mutters this under his breath thinking I can't here but I do and this pisses me off, him using my confessions against me are not fucking okay.

"Fuck you fucker" I raise my hand to slap him across the face when he grabs my wrist to stop the trajectory. He looks at the scar and sighs tiredly.

'What is this from? Did he do this to you?" I glance down and the fight leaves me body, I slump to the floor bringing Colt down with me.

"No I did it to myself, I slit my wrist, felt like the only way out at the time." He strokes my wrist and leans his head down kissing the skin. "I guess it wasn't deep enough because I woke up in the closet a bandage around my wrist. I even failed at this, guess Paul's right I never get anything right. It was right after the first time he..." Colt strokes my back and I look into his eyes, they are filled with unshed tears and I hate seeing that my words are hurting him "He raped me, no matter how much I begged, told him no, he forced his way into my body and I justified it as love. What's wrong with me Colt, am I so far gone that rape becomes love to me?" He pulls me into his arms tightly and this time I don't feel trapped. A distant phone rings and I see Chez answering it out of the corner of my eye. The front door opens a few moments later and as Ace walks into the apartment, I bolt from Colt's arms. I rush past Ace and out the open door. Not really sure where I am going, what I am doing but all of it is too much. I take the stairs running as fast as I can, I hear voices calling my name but my feet leads me away from them. It is an advantage of being a runner they can't catch me, so I just run out of the building into the night. Running away from the only person who has ever felt like home.

I run until my legs feel like they are going to give out, until I am by the water, until I find myself alone. Voices long ago lost behind me, I sit on a bench facing the lake in front of me my head racing. The cellphone in my pocket constantly vibrating, my mind racing, legs shaking, breath coming in gasps, and hot tears spill down my face. What am I running from I wonder, what I am running too, where am I going? I seem to be fleeing to my past, one that I wasn't strong enough to survive the first time, yet the future is right in front of me. I just need to give it time, I know Colt and I will happen I have this faith in him that he will finally love me the way I have always loved me. My heart is set in stone where he is concerned, he'll always be my home. I reluctantly pull my phone out of my pocket, staring at the missed calls from Ace, from Chez but none from Colt. He doesn't care enough to call me, to make me come home maybe all hope is lost. I pull my legs up to my chest and rest my heavy head upon my knees to tired to care anymore. I don't notice the approaching footsteps, the heavy breathing, or the small prayer of thanks that slips through the mans lips. I do feel his hand on my shoulder, his smell over taking me I look up at him with tear filled eyes, he pushes me over on the bench practically collapsing beside of me. "I am going to chain you to our bed" he states between deep breaths.

"Naked?" I tease trying to lighten the moment, he cocks his head and then nods at me and I can't help but giggle at the lust in his eyes. Maybe just maybe there is more hope then I been aware of. He pulls me into his chest and I close my eyes listening to his heart try to calm itself.

"Stop running from me Punk, I can't keep up and this almost fucking killed me. I may be having a heart attack at this very moment." I know he is not, despite the racing his heart is strong, it is mine that has been weak for too long.

"Sorry, I'm sorry I just sometimes need to run, it doesn't mean I won't come back. It just clears my head, sometimes I need you to chase me Colt but not always. Trust me I know my home is with you." He smiles and kisses me lightly our breaths mingle together as he stares into my eyes and for the first time I see love in them. I see everything in his gaze, and a piece of my heart seems to find its way back to place, the puzzle begins to correct itself

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading , please review! I am so sad over Punk quitting I am hoping that it is nothing more than a work and he will be back soon!<strong>

**Guest- Thank you for reading, I agree how could you not love Punk and Colt needs to figure his heart out soon!**


	7. This is What it Feels Like

He tries not to show it but I can tell he thinks I am pulling away, being distant, and also over protective at the same time. He is right on all fronts, it's not that I purposely find myself pulling away its that I am more confused than ever where Punk is concerned. The night he ran, the night he let go a little and stopped trying to put on this brave front I think my heart may have fallen a little bit, why is this not great I can give punk everything he wants if I fall for him, well what if everything Punk wants is all wrong for him. He is trying to throw himself into a relationship with me, he is living in my home, sleeping in my bed, and this just weeks after he left London. He is not taking time to breath, to grieve the loss of someone he was in love with, to deal with the hurt and the anger. Punk is just throwing himself head first into this odd dynamic we have going on. I try to slow him down, make him take time to think things through, maybe not make me the rebound guy. Yet slowing Punk down is like trying to harness a shooting star, impossible and you are bound to get burned. So I am taking the time myself to figure out my own head and heart and Punk is not liking this decision.

I am afraid that I may force with back to London if I don't figure everything out soon, hell he's tried to leave more than once and return to him even after our little run he tried to leave again. I gave chase unsure if it was once of those times he wanted me to run after him, or one of those times he needed to run. I wish he would clarify before I collapse from exhaustion, the man has stamina and part of me wonder's how long he can go in bed before he gets exhausted. Bad Colt head out of the gutter, I need to focus on recovery for Punk not fucking him through the sheets, something that has an appeal that was not there in the past. Punk is in the kitchen making coffee, although he would prefer to go by it up the street, him using a coffee pot can be very scary at times. I watch from my seat on the couch and sigh and the slumped shoulders, and the wounded puppy look on his face. The blue strands cover most of his profile but I can still see hurt in just the way he holds himself. "Punker's can you come here for a minute?" He glances over to me and I see a flash of fear in his eyes, I wonder why but it is gone quickly. He walks over and I pull him down on to the couch beside of me.

"What's up Colt?" I wrap my arms around him hugging him gently, he tenses at first and then relaxes into the embrace.

"What do you want to do today?" He glances up at me and I brush the blue hair hiding his eyes.

"Well wrestling would be great, ROH has a show tonight, it would be nice to stop hiding in here." I understand his feelings I am getting just as frustrated the thing is Gabe is still dealing with London, working out schedules to keep them off of the same shows, maybe even considering terminating London all together. Gabe would love to see us both at the show, yet I'm not sure it is worth the risk. "If we left now we could make it to Philly in time." I glance at the clock and sigh, he is right but still the cost could be too high.

"London could be there, it is his place of employment, Gabe is working on making sure he is not on the schedule with you, but it takes time. I'd love to hope in a car with you go grab Ace and head out but I don't think you are ready to face him or be back in the ring. Fake violence probably won't help you heal from real violence Punk." He literally rolls his eyes at me and stands pulling from my arms, I immediately miss him and try to grab his wrist and tug him back down he stands his ground.

"I'm going to go pack up my gear and then I am heading to Philly, Paul won't try anything in front of a locker room full of guys. Plus I will have you and Ace with me, along with some other very good friends. I've been wrestling all this time Colt, the stuff in the ring doesn't make me tense up or react, it's just wrestling and trust me Paul never tried to wrestle with me when he was angry it was much worse than that." I stand and follow him to our bedroom taking a deep breath.

"He's hit you in the locker room before so please don't say he won't do it now, we both know that is a blatant lie. If I agree to go then you agree to answer a few questions." He is shoving his gear into his suitcase and looks up hesitating "also agree if you are backstage you are within arms distance of one of us, no wandering off alone."

"Fine, questions answered, over protectiveness, smothering I agree now start packing, I'll call ace and tell him we will pick him up on the way through. You can ask me whatever you want in the car. However when I say enough is enough Colt you'll stop. I trust you but... I trust you." I wonder what the but is and decided that may be one of my many questions as we head out on a long car ride. I wonder if ace will appreciate the five am wake up call he is about to get.

Once we are all load in we stop and pick up Ace, I think back to the time London hit Punk in front of everyone, it was the first time I had to acknowledge my fears, had to agree with my friends that Punk was being abused. It was after a match with Whitmer that ended with a no contest when they both got knocked out. BJ obviously had a concussion, Punk was better off though not by much. He was conscious back stage and after a brief eval the doc decided he was okay, just to keep a eye on him. Well if I though London was going to be the doting boyfriend concerned with Punk's condition I was wrong. I could see London speaking and Punk shaking his head slowly, instead of compassion London seemed angry and when Punk went to stand on shaky legs Paul grabbed his arm, Ace tensed beside of me and the locker room fell silent. London's voice carried and that's when everyone heard London blaming him for giving BJ a concussion. "He could have been seriously hurt, what kind of wrestler are you. You have no talent and shouldn't even be in the ring, you are unsafe and dangerous. You just can't do anything right, you are really pathetic Punk, go apologize to BJ then get ready to go, I don't want to be here all night waiting on your fat ass." I could see Punk biting his lip, he glanced down at the hand the held his arm in a vice grip.

"I can't do anything until you let me go Paul, you're hurting me." That's when London swung, Punk didn't even attempt to avoid the punch instead just collapsing back to the bench holding his jaw. I think London would have done more damage but people stepped in pulling him away. Ace went to check on Punk but he shoved him away walking out of the locker room. I followed after him unsure of what to say. He did glance back at me but that was the only acknowledgment I was behind him. We entered an empty office and I glanced around, he sat on the couch and I sat beside of him.

"You okay?" He just rest his head on my shoulder and I wait, Punk will respond in his own time the worst thing to do is push him when he is upset or angry.

"Yeah I'm good, he punches like a chick." I want to accept this but the bruising on his jaw is already becoming apparent. "I should get back and get my shit together, the longer I make him wait the worse its going to be for me tonight." I blink not wanting to have heard that information, how can I let him leave with London if I know what is coming.

"Drive back to Chicago with me, stay at my place a few days." I can feel the small smile against my shoulder but he stands.

"Nah I'm good, just a bunch of shit. I'll see ya soon Cabana." I stop him not wanting to let him go, but he is a grown adult so I try to think of another strategy.

"Punk you were knocked out cold tonight, just come with me you can not afford more blows to the head. He could cause serious damage and beside when was the last time we hung out just the two of us." He gives me a weak smile and a quick hug before walking off, it is the last time I see him that night. Hell it was the last time I saw him for almost three weeks, he called in for several shows after. I should have made him stay, I should have figured out how to make him walk away then. I'm so lost in the memory that I don't notice we've stopped at a store until Punk and Ace close there doors. I scramble after them trying to figure out what questions I need the answers to the most.

By the time we are back in the car, I'm driving because if Punk gets angry I would like to remain on the road and at a relatively safe speed. "Alright Colt you've been way too quiet, what are you thinking about?" I glance at Punk and sigh wondering if this could blow up in my face.

"The night you were knocked out, wondering why you left with him, and where you were for the weeks after. You kind of fell of the grid for a while there Punk." I see ace look between the two of us in the rear view mirror but he remains silent.

"I wanted to leave with you, I really did but I figured if I left it would just make things worse. I was ready to give up on him yet, ask me a few days later and I would have followed you straight to the gates of hell. That night um, well I ended up with a concussion and then he um, it was the first time he forced" Punk pauses swallowing hard and shakes his head as if trying to chase away the memories. "It was the first time he raped me okay, I didn't deal well and you know slit my wrist. It's why I called out and didn't show. Just had to heal up a little bit, I regret not going with you." I have so many questions for Punk but I know if I do this wrong he will shut down on me.

"Earlier when I asked you to come here, why did you seem scared at first?" He is staring out the passenger side window and I wish he would face me, I can read his eyes more than any other part of him. I know when I've pushed to far by the look in those olive orbs.

"It was my job to keep the apartment clean, well do everything really and if I didn't do something to his standards he would call me over and point it out before hitting me, or degrading me, or hurting me in some cruel way." Alright note to self don't complain about his messiness and don't call him over like that, find a different way to get his attention when you need it.

"Earlier you said you trust me but, what was the but? Also can you look at me please, I need to see your eyes, I know you are embarrassed or ashamed but I'm not judging you Punk. I just need to make sure I'm not pushing too far." He shifts in his seat until his back is pressed more against the door and he is looking towards me I can only glance over but at least I can tell he is not distressed yet.

"But I can only talk about this so much before it becomes..."

"Become what, too much?"

"Overwhelming Colt, the memories become overwhelming." I nod and glance at him.

"ever think maybe you should talk about this stuff with a therapist that they know how to make it not so overwhelming." He wrinkles his nose and looks at me like I've grown a second head. Well that confirms therapy is out.

"Not talking to a perfect stranger about my daddy issues thanks, they always blame it on the parents you know." I groan but can't help but laugh at him.

"You kind of have daddy issues, and I bet I could connect this to the relationship with your parents, how it was growing up, the examples set, and your easy acceptance of the abuse. Not that I would ever make those assumptions, or come to those conclusions." Right there I pushed a button I can see it in his eyes, but he is not telling me to shut up or stop so I decided on the next question. "Why did you decide to leave the night you came to me? What made you decided that night was the one to walk away, when everyone tried before and no one succeed." I can actually see him contemplating his answer here, its silent in the car and what I would do just to be able to stare at Punk at the moment, but I'm sure they would prefer I kept the car on the road.

"I don't honestly know, I think it was a lot of things. Self preservation I think played apart, he had strangled me and I saw it in his eyes, he wanted to kill me, he wanted me dead. I think coming to the conclusion he didn't love me, that he probably never loved me, seeing how unhealthy our relationship had become. Feeling trapped and scared when I was with him, I think there are too many factors for me to explain it all, but you played the biggest piece, being with you reminds me of feeling safe, reminded me that I didn't have to be scared, and how much I felt for you. Even if I'm crazy, even if everything is a lie being with you for even a little bit makes it all seem better." I reach over and take his hand trying to make him understand without words that it is not a lie, I just need time to figure it all out.

"Two more questions and I will stop I promise, did he ever put you in the hospital, or the police get called is there a record of the abuse somewhere." He nods and I almost breath a sigh of relief it will help make the restraining order stick if there is a record.

"Our neighbors called the police more than once, Paul would be taking to his friend's house for the night and told not to come back until things calmed down, Then they would give me a card for a shelter, or a hotline, and try to get me to press charges. He put me in the hospital twice, broken ribs, and stitches. Nothing that would prevent me from wrestling luckily." I make a mental note to call and tell the lawyer my parents hired for Punk. As soon as my mom learned about what had been happening they volunteered to help in any way possible.

"Why do you keep trying to go back to him, you claim to love me, yet you keep trying to leave me to go to him. Why?" It really is the question I need answer more than all the rest.

"I don't know, I know I don't want to go back, but its like my brain forgets this and then I get scared and lost and better the devil you know then the one you don't. I don't want to go back, I know what would happen, I know what is waiting for me back with him. I want you, I want a future with you I just get so confused, I'm sorry if I am hurting you. I just don't really understand it myself." Not really what I wanted for an answer so I push, knowing I should back off I still push.

"You think I'm a devil now, you think I'm like him and going to hurt you? Pr is that what you want, I beat the shit out of you and you stay. I think you are playing games and I am tired of it." He looks shocked, hurt, and angry. I should have shut the fuck up, I should punch myself in the mouth, I think Ace wants too.

"I know you won't hurt me, and its a fucking saying I didn't mean you were a fucking devil. I'm trying here Colt, you think I like talking about this fucking shit. You think I enjoy being the victim, enjoy having night mares, Being afraid to leave the fucking apartment, you think this is a game to me. I am in love with you I have been since we first met fucker, my life is not a game. That's what is on the line here, I go back and he kills me. I get this, I know this but it doesn't mean the fact that at some point I loved him, I trusted him, if you think I like wanting to run back to him then you are dead wrong. Damn it Colt I just can't shut off everything I felt for him, he has destroyed it yes but at one point it existed. You ask for patience from me, then how about you afford me the same kindness. I'm fucking done with these questions, asshole." Despite his anger he still faces me, and his hand is still in mine so he may be angry but he is not pissed off enough to shut down on me. At least he is not running from me right now, don't know if I have the conviction to chase after him. Am I his rebound? Am I just a place holder for London or the next guy to come along. How can I trust his love when he tries to go back to London.

The sound of silence in the car, I don't know if I can take. His hand in mine, his eyes study me, and I love him. I'm in love with him, I've been fighting it because it's not safe, loving him scares the shit out of me. Without him I feel like I'm drowning, but with him I wonder if I am sinking deeper into the depths of floating to the surface I can never tell. His fingers stroke the back of my hand send shivers to my core. I never want to see him unhappy, yet this all seems like a hopeless dream, some trick and he will leave me, return to London. I'll have to let him go and that will break me, so I need to keep my heart protected. He'll bring me heartache of this I'm sure but I think I may have already fallen to far to stop myself now. "Colt, you okay?" I glance over looking into his green eyes, I force a nod and take a deep breath.

"I love you Punk, I fucking love you." There is a difference in the words now, a deeper meaning for me. He catches it and smiles, but it still doesn't reach his eyes. In fact I see worry in those depths and I wonder if he knows that as soon as he is doing better I'm going to walk away, love or not this is all just a hopeless dream.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed and if you did please feel free to tell me about it.<strong>

**Lamentomori- well Colt is acknowledging his feelings, I'm just not sure if it is in a healthy way. I don't think Punk understands the damage he is doing to a very fragile new feeling for Colt, I think Punk has always known Colt is his home even when things are bad he has Colt, now Colt just needs to understand that Punk is his home also, however both are stubborn so it may take a while.**


	8. Protecting My Heart

Punk POV

I don't know what happened, I honestly don't. For a moment on the ride I knew he loved me the way I needed, I felt it in his words, in the way he looked at me and then it vanished so quickly. He shut down on me so abruptly I think I got fucking whiplash from the change. He told me he loved me and I believed him, then it vanished and I want to know what I did, I had to have done something. I always do something, it's always my fault but for the life of me I can not figure out what I did this time. Hell after his confession he didn't say a word for the rest or the ride, I talked to Ace, and I made myself be social, happy, and engaging but anytime I would ask Colt anything he would just ignore the question or shake his head. When we arrived at the arena Gabe was excited to see us, he dragged me away into his office for a conversation. I zoned out on him, offering his concern, his understanding, compassion, assuring me that they would keep London far away from me. My mind on Colt I thanked him and stood walking out of the office to find Joe waiting for me, apparently elected as my babysitter but I agreed to this, so I will suck it up and not say a thing no matter how fucking annoying it is.

When we enter the locker room Ace and Colt are in a heated conversation I can tell by the body language that Colt is upset, I follow Joe over to where my bag is, I notice Ace's stuff is by mine, however a quick survey of the room shows me that Colt's is as far away as he can be. I slide down onto the floor my back to the wall, I pretend to search my bag, debating on the color of my shorts for the nights, in reality I am wishing I knew how to read fucking lips. Ace finally walks away returning over to us, I glance at him and he just shakes his head. "What's his problem?" I need to know perhaps I can fix it if I knew what was wrong.

"His problem is he has his head up his own ass, give him some space to deal with his own insecurities, it's colt he'll be okay by the time we leave." I want to believe him but then that would mean it wasn't my fault and that just doesn't make sense, Paul made it very clear that if something is wrong I should fix it as I caused it. I bite at my lip deciding to try to talk to him before my match so I am not completely distracted out there. I slide to my feet and hear Ace sigh, but really did he expect anything else from me. I head across the room but only successfully get half way before he is in front of me, his hand wrapped around my arm. I stare into the brown eyes of Paul the fury all over his face. My heart is racing, I know my friends are moving, but it seems as if we are the only two people in this room and my life is on the line.

"You little whore, let's go you are fucking going home now!" I want to respond tel him to fuck off, but its like my voice has run away, fleeing the scene of a train wreck so I just shake my head no and tug on my arm trying to get him to let go. It happens so fast, he goes to swing at me and for the first time my in so long with him my natural instinct for self-preservation kicks in. I buck the fist coming my way and as soon as I'm upright slammed my knee into his nuts with as much force as I can. I then wrench my arm from his loosened grip and head out the nearest door to the room, I hear footsteps behind me, I also hear the commotion in the locker room but none of it matters. I just fought back against Paul, he is going to come after me, he doesn't like when I fight back. I just made it so much worse, it is probably him behind me, chasing after me to punish me. I pick up speed needing a place to hide, to escape from him. I hear someone tell me to slow down, to wait, that everything is okay and I think it may be Ace but my focus is on escape, I messed up, I made a mistake and he is going to make me pay for it.

I'm not sure how but I lose the person trailing after me in one of the darkened hallways, not long after I slip from the building, huddling against the side of the arena. The air is cold a reminder that winter is coming soon, in nips at my exposed skin. I just want to go home, back to the apartment that I hate, back to Colt. He is mad though so he probably doesn't want me back at the apartment maybe I should just go home with Paul deal with the punishment. Every so often I hear people calling my name within the building, I know I should return inside I can see people arriving for the show, some wave in my direction but my body language keeps them at a distance. It must be these fans however that alert someone to where I am. Wrestling boots appear in front of me, and I slowly trail my eyes upwards, "Is this one of those times I am suppose to chase you?" Well at least Colt is talking to me now, so I nod at him. My coat is clutched in his hand, and I glance at the fabric thinking I could really use it. He notices and quickly hands it to me I slide my arms into the sleeves. Huddling in the fabric, still not very warm, my teeth chatter slightly and he pulls me around the building more out of the sight of any fans then wraps his arms around me. I snuggle into his warmth, glad he doesn't seem mad at me any longer.

"Sorry about earlier, I don't know what I did but I upset you, so I'm sorry." He takes a deep breath and pulls me closer his grip tightening.

"You didn't do anything, just because I get upset doesn't mean it's your fault. I'm sorry I didn't get across the room quick enough to stop London from swinging on you." I shrug not the first time he ever tried to hit me.

"He missed" I state this hoping that the fear didn't betray me and show in my voice.

"I didn't" I glance at him and he shrugs "He swung at you I swung at him. If it wasn't for a few of the guys he would be eating all of his meals out of a straw. Joe may have connected a few times, along with a couple of the other guys. You are a lot more popular than you understand, the guys protect one of their own if you let them and ask for help. Apparently they didn't want me to go to jail for killing him, so they pulled me away. I would have gladly gone to jail if it met the fucker never got near you again." I bite at my lip almost wishing I had stayed in the room to see Paul brought down a notch at the same time I'm worried, Colt and my friends just made themselves more of a target.

"Paul's crazy he will retaliate for this" I'm not sure if I mean Colt's actions or my own.

"I can hold my own, and he is not getting near you. That is as long as you keep people near you, like you promised me. Besides he can try tonight when I am in the ring kicking his ass."

"You have a match against him? Whose idea is that?" He smirks and I know he requested the match, sometimes he is just such an idiot.

"Don't worry he'll walk away from the match, though if you want to come out and help I'll distract the ref so you can low blow him again. Or hit him with a few chairs, whatever you want." I shake my head at Colt.

"How did you find me?" He smiles running his fingers through my hair.

"You're not hard for me to find Punkers, I know you very well. Ace however may strangle you, or yell really loudly about disappearing on him. He thinks you're a magician or something, you were right in front of him and then you were gone. Also I may have over heard a fan girl talking about how sexy CM Punk is, and how she wanted to come talk to you when she saw you. When I asked where you were so may have told me and then giggled a lot. It's cold out Punkers can we go back in? Paul is not in the locker room, security has him contained and as soon as our match is over he is being escorted from the building. Gabe threatened to fire him if he tried anything else so I'm pretty sure we are safe." I take a deep breath not wanting to leave the safety of his arms.

I press my lips gently against his wanting to make the comfort last a little longer. To my surprise he doesn't resist in fact he intensifies the kiss, his tongue demanding entrance into my mouth. I immediately grant him this, and I can't help to moan as his tongue explores my mouth, He presses me back against the building and I wrap my arms around his neck, his hands slid into my jacket exploring the curves of my chest. I think this is the most responsive he has been towards me and it gives me hope again. When he pulls away I try to chase his lips with my own, so he gives me a quick peck and then just rests his forehead against my own. "You fucking confuse me, and scare me" he whispers this but I can see the honesty in his eyes.

"How do I do that Colt, I'm not that complicated." He laughs and gives me a smile.

"You may be the most complicated person I have ever met, and at times I feel I need a guide book into your head. You confuse me by saying you love me, by kissing me like that when I'm not sure its true. Would you have ended up with London if you loved me for so long. You scare me by the way you shut down, the way you run, I'm afraid that if I let myself feel for you that you'll run from me and it will break my heart." Okay he is being wicked honest and it is not making me feel great but I understand his concerns, I just wonder if now is the time to talk about all of it. Though if this is what Colt wants I'll talk.

"Before I met you I never loved anyone fully, I never committed the time, I lived my life with one foot always out the door. I never trusted anyone enough to let them in, I kept my heart so protected. Then you came along, and you easily broke through all of my defenses, so much that it petrified me. I watched who you dated, I know your type and it's not me. I wanted to flirt with you, I wanted to ask you out, hell I wanted to scream how much I loved you. I didn't because what if it took you away from me, what if I lost you by loving you, what if my actions broke my own heart. So I forced myself to keep it in the friend zone, telling myself it was enough, Paul came around and I figured if I let you in I could try letting someone else in. It really backfired on me, I let him in and look where I am. There are times I wonder if I ever loved Paul, if I asked for this because I protected my heart from him, or you always had my heart so it was never mine to give him fully, I wonder if I could have loved him differently if it would have made a difference." Colt kisses me gently pulling me from my musings. "When I run it is never from you Colt, never. If anything I always run to you, I run from my demons, my past, never from you. Even if we are together and we fight, and I run I will always come home to you. I would never break your heart that way. If you are scared of this, of us, I want to reassure you but I can't make promises that it is going to be roses, and rainbows. However I will write out a guide to CM Punk if that would help you." He laughs and kisses me again, some of the tension from earlier has vanished, not all of it is gone but some of it. Enough so I can relax and know he wants me with him.

"How about a guide to Phillip Brooks, I think I need that one more than CM Punk. I understand Punk well enough, it's Phil that stumps me. I know you are one in the same but at times I wonder if Punk protects Phil from the world. I wonder if I have ever really known Phil." See the man doesn't think he knows me, yet he can come up with some insightful shit about me. I want to roll his eyes but maybe he is right.

"Okay I'll give you a guide for both of them if that's what you want." He nods and pulls his body away from mine taking my hand he leads me back inside. I figured he would let go of my hand as soon as we entered the locker room but he doesn't. He leads me back over to Ace and Joe, and I listen to Ace rant for the next ten minutes, leaning against Colt as he does. Colt strokes my lower back, soothingly and then gives me a quick kiss in front of everyone before gathering his stuff and bringing over to mine. I see several smiles sent our way, and a few thumbs up at me. I can't keep the blush from my face and so I get ready for my match. My match is the shits, I take several bumps hard or wrong too distracted for my own good. The only bright spot is I didn't manage to hurt Jimmy in the match. When I get back to the locker room, Ace squeezes the back of my neck and gives me a look,

"Monday morning be at the domain we need to apparently go over some shit." I nod and sigh hating the scolding from Ace. Colt's match is not too long after mine and I slide behind Joe, kind of hiding when Paul is brought through to the curtain. Joe allows me to huddle behind him, hell ace stands right beside of Joe making a very fearsome wall. I do watch the match from the curtain, Colt's anger is high but so is Paul's so both men are going at each other. A few times I think I should take Colt up on his offer to help, I push it aside not sure if I could help if I wanted too. I'm biting at my nails and Ace stands stiffly beside me, I think he would like to go get some of Paul for himself. I wonder why it is that everyone around me wants to beat the shit out of Paul but I can not find the courage to do it myself.

Was I always like this I wonder, have I always let others fight my battles for me? Needed someone to save me from my misery. I haven't been this person before now, I know this I would fight anyone, spit in the face of everyone, I would gladly flip off the world. Yet here I am allowing the man I am in love with to fight for me instead of doing it myself. Paul did this, London fucking did this, he stole something from me, he somehow robbed me of myself. Ace says something but I don't hear it, not over the roar in my ears, my eyes are on Paul and for once I'm not afraid I am fucking angry. I'm enraged, how fucking dare he treat me like this, how fucking dare he put his hands on Colt. A particularly hard hit from Paul has me out behind the curtain, Colt's lip is bleeding and that is just enough to break the clarity I've been holding onto. I run towards the ring, Colt sees he coming and takes a step back away from Paul. He reads me well, and I think the rage in me is seeping from my pores. I pounce on Paul never once hesitating, my fury driving me on instead of my common sense. He may have tried to fight back I'm not sure, if he hit me I never felt it. I just know I need to make hi hurt, so I don't hold any punches, I drive my fist repeatedly into his face. I hear the ringing of a bell at a distant and note that Colt just got disqualified, I'll apologize for that later. Security tried to pull me away, not my friends, or other wrestlers hell I can see Ace, Colt, and Joe standing outside the ring grinning. I'm not sure I would have ever stopped, he hurt Colt and in my head that is a sin no matter what he did his greatest crime would be hurting Colt.

When I finally allow myself to be pulled away, London is almost unconscious his blood covers my hands, the crowd is cheering, I'm not sure they understand what just happened, but they enjoy a good beat down. London is staring at me, his face a bloody mess. I want to hurt him more, break him, but I can't not here not ever. I do push my way back over to him and lean down so my lips are near his ear. "Stay away, don't ever come near me or my family again. Or I swear next time I won't stop until you aren't breathing. I can fight my own battles, you won't win." I slide from the ring, the words are said in rage the truth is I'm not sure I could ever win against him. I see how far in my head he is now, how much I've lost myself. I'm going to get it back though, I will find that strength, I will find myself again. I push my way back through the curtain, going to my bag I begin to stuff my shit in. I don't want to be here any longer, I grab Colt's bag, looking over at him as he watches me I toss him a pair of sweats and a t-shirt packing his shit up neater then I did my own."Can we just fucking leave, we can get a hotel and you can change there." Colt nods and grabs his bag still not having said a word. Ace watches us and the speaks up,

"I'm gonna travel back with Joe, he is heading to show Hero is going to be at, so I thought I would go see him." Both of us nod, and head out to the rental car. Colt doesn't stop at a hotel, he drives to the interstate and heads back to Chicago. It's quiet in the car and I watch him again, he is smiling and I can't help but smile. It may be crazy and I know Paul is going to be pissed but somehow if it makes Colt smile like this, then instigating Paul, beating the shit out of him is worth the mini heart attack that is now occurring in my chest as fear and doubt creep in.

"I'm sorry I cost you the match." His laughter fills the car and I can't help but laugh myself, and then a smirk fills my face. When Colt glances over his eyes light up and this causes more laughter. He pulls into a rest area and pulls me from the car. I don't have to piss but he points out I need to wash off some blood. I glance at my hands and smirk again.

"Punk do you know you are sexy as hell when yo smirk like that. You haven't done a lot of it lately but damn its a turn on." I can't help but smile the smirk vanishing, I scrub my hands clean and follow him back to the car, the rest area is pretty deserted so I slap his ass when I walk by him. I hear him whisper and I almost think I hear him wrong "I missed you" it floats in the air and I'm confused. I'm right here, I haven't gone anywhere. Then it dawns on me, I did leave not physically but emotionally I have been so shut off. It feels so long ago that I could smile and laugh like this, so long ago when I honestly didn't have the weight of Paul on my shoulders. It may come back in the morning but tonight I am going to embrace feeling free. I missed me too, I think, I missed me too.

I grab the car keys from Colt and hope into the driver's seat, I don't go anywhere really just move the car to a much more secluded and dark spot. He raises an eyebrow as I pull him into the back seat. It's not too long however before his weight is pressing me down into the seat, and we make out like horny teenagers. I haven't done this in so long, felt desired and desired someone. I would love for this to go much further but I know colt and our first time together won't be in a car at some rest area. He is kind of a romantic at heart, plus he doesn't think I'm ready and maybe for the first time I agree with him on that. Kissing, touching, petting, all feels good but the idea of allowing anyone into my body, it actually makes me feel nauseous, I wonder how long that will last, and if it isn't just one more thing London stole from me. I finally push Colt off of me, sitting up I snuggle into his lap resting my chin in his neck, I can feel his hardness, and know I am also hard but tonight this is as far as it will go. I promise myself that in the future, near future we will have sex, even if I have to talk to a fucking therapist to get there.

I trust Colt with my heart, so trusting him with my body only seems natural. "Ready to head out?" Colt's voice fills the silent car and I nod.

"Sorry it can't be more than this." He slides me from his lap and pecks my lips reclaiming his spot in the driver's seat.

"Wasn't going to happen here, like this, even if I thought you were ready." I nod knowing this but feeling like I am teasing him.

"Soon though, it will be soon Colt I promise." He glances up at me in the rear view mirror. I'm still in the back and know I should move back tot he front I just need reassurance that not having sex right now doesn't mean we will never have sex.

"When you are ready Punk I plan on fucking that cute ass a lot." I smile at him leaning back in my seat and then I can not help the smirk that fills my face. I may not be ready for him, but my hand has become a very good friend to me. He is about to pull from the spot I parked when I open the fly of my jeans. The zipper slides down slowly and the car halts, his head turned staring at me. I pull my hard dick from the confines of my pants. I ignore his eyes unsure if I could do this if I looked at him. I stroke myself slowly, my hand sliding up and down and I bite back a moan. "Don't hold back" at Colt's words I release the moan, his eyes are on me I can tell but I focus on the pleasure I am causing, my hand strokes faster as a sweat breaks out over my body. I am so turned on by the thought Colt is watching me that it doesn't take me long to get to the edge. My moans become louder and more frequent, and I think I hear a few moans slide from his lips. "Phil look at me" the command in his voice turns me on so I glance up, he is also stroking himself, and the lust in his eyes is unmistakable, I am fixated on his hand, his hand wrapped around his huge dick. He is close and so am I but something in my wants to taste him, so I lean forwards slapping his hand away and engulf him with my mouth. "Phil you don't have too...oh shit...fuck yes!" It only takes a few bobs of my head before he explodes into my mouth and the moment I taste him, I cum myself wondering how to explain that stain to my friend who gets me deals on rentals.

After I swallow all he has to offer I sit up and once again smirk, at least I can still give him pleasure this way. "You don't play fair" I shrug and wondered when he ever thought I did. I fix my pants and he adjust his after he unwedges himself from his position half in the front seat half in the back I climb back into my seat. When we return to the road he takes my hand and I can't help but feel settled and content for the first time in a very long time.

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for reading, love it, hate it, let me know what you think!<strong>

**Guest- I think there is hope that they won't break up, if Punk can find his strength and Colt his trust in his feelings it could all work out, just not sure if either are willing to make it happen yet.**

**Lamentomore- as requested part eight! Colt is very confused I'm not sure he knows how to be with Punk and it is scaring the crap out of him. Punk is trying to heal, although in a very Punk way. He is very broken and instead of dealing with the pain he lashes out. I'm afraid Colt is not going to be finished taking the brunt of what Paul did to Punk. He is trying to rush through the emotions, sadness to anger, to happiness never pausing to really think through his emotions. Thanks for the great review lady!**


	9. All of You

It seems always to be one step forward with Punk and a thousand steps backwards, every time I see a glimpse of him he slams the door shut. After the night at ROH, in the car, I thought things were moving forward instead he seems to have retreated into himself. Granted he is still trying to race through his feelings, yet at the same time he is not dealing with a fucking one of his feelings of thoughts. He keeps randomly telling me horror stories and the numbness in his eyes as he tells me about the abuse scares the shit out of me. The fact that he is refusing to leave the apartment, anything I suggest to do, any place I want to go he rejects. I understand it, I do, he is scared, his ex is a crazed lunatic that wants to get his hands on Punk, but yo decide to just stop living, to give up is so not like him. I ask him about wrestling and he tells me is going to quit, just give up he is not very good at it. I laugh because if there is one of our group who will make it big someday it is him. I ask about friends, family, anything I can think of to try to pry him from our apartment and excuses flow from his lips, they can visit him, he doesn't want to go to games anymore, he can watch sports on TV. It is like fear has immobilized him, frozen him in this dark place in his mind and Punk can not find any way to escape.

He has even stopped complaining about the small shit, if I leave Ace, Chez, or somebody comes over to keep an eye on him and instead of bitching he doesn't need a babysitter he barely acknowledges their presence. He will only talk with me, and if I leave they tell me he stares at the door until I return. I can not do this much longer, I've sought professional recommendations, I've talked with my parents, Chez's parents, hell I call his biological parents not that it helped at all. Nothing anyone suggested would work with Punk, he is not going to go to therapy, or to a treatment center, or to a group to talk about his problems. He doesn't trust strangers so he would never discuss his problems in a public forum. On top of that he doesn't believe in therapy, he thinks depression isn't real, that you just need to find something to make yourself feel better. Well Punker's I fucking think your depressed and wish I could drag your ass of for help but I can't and I won't so what fucking now do I do?

I come to only one conclusion I need to use our relationship to my advantage, I need to manipulate Punk the way he would manipulate me if the tables were turned. He would never allow me to wallow in my sadness, grief, fear. He would kick my ass if I tried to do what he has done for the last few weeks. I hate doing this but he is leaving me no choice, every thing else had failed so now I am going to go in a different direction and hope the tightrope act we are balancing on doesn't rock to much from the sudden shift.

I watch him from the kitchen, he sits curled up on the living room his back to the couch wrapped in my old quilt, his eyes focused on the TV screen, though I wonder if he even is seeing it, I place my glass on the counter and walk over. Grabbing the remote I switch the screen off, he doesn't even blink or look around. So the TV was not his focus, he is in his own head again and if I have my way by the end of the night he will not be any longer. I walk to stand in front of him, when I pull that old quilt away from him he finally looks up, blinking as if not realizing I was even home. Ace had been here earlier, I'd gone to the gym, worked out, and then bought some much needed groceries. When I returned to the apartment Punk who ha been facing the door turned back to the TV so I assumed he acknowledge my presence now I wonder how much he even absorbed. Ace is worry, afraid Punk may hurt himself, and I think he may be right which is why drastic measure are now needed.

As he tried to blink the cobwebs away I pull him to his feet, walking down the hallway to the bathroom. Fresh clothes are already laid out, I nudge him to the shower and he blinks at me. "Get cleaned up Punker's, we are going out." He tenses at the words and I just turn the water on in the shower adjusting it to a reasonable temperature.

"I don't want to go Colt." A whole sentence wow aren't I lucky.

"Well we are, it's going to be our first date, so get in the fucking shower, clean up, get dressed, and don't take all night as we have reservations, and places to be." He chews at his lip but at least tugs the t-shirt from his body, I may need to burn the clothes he is wearing, I think he has had them on for a week straight.

"I don't feel like going out Colt." I growl slightly giving him my best angry look.

"Didn't ask if you felt like it Punk, you have no choice. Get in the fucking shower before you piss me off." His whole body is tense but he quickly removes the rest of his clothing stepping under the hot spray. Yes it's a low blow, yes I shouldn't use his insecurities against him, but I am desperate and I need to get him the fuck out of this house, show him there is nothing to fear. Hell I have everything arranged, I even know exactly where London is at the moment, he is at a show hundreds of miles away, Joe and a few others keeping a very close eye on him. So if he just relaxes and enjoys himself we can have a good evening just the two of us no interference. I just need to get him out the fucking door first. I go into the bedroom, leaving the bathroom door open so I can watch him. I change and get ready, when he steps out of the shower he glances over to me and I just cross my arms waiting. He shaves off the start of a very interesting hobo beard, and pulls on the clothes set out for him. It's nothing more than jeans and an old Operation Ivy t-shirt, he pulls his fading blue locks into an elastic at the base of his neck and glances around. I think he may be considering locking himself in the bathroom. He finally stands in front of me and I take in his body, my eyes moving up and down slowly. "You look hot" I state reaching for his hand.

"I look how I always look Cabana" I smirk just checking that I have my wallet and keys I drag him to the front door.

"Then you must always look hot, hell if I didn't have plans for us I would show you how hit I think you are." He blushes and although not fighting me as I tug him out of the apartment I can tell the only place he really wants to be is back inside behind the security of the locked door. I ignore the anxiety written all over his face and pull him to the elevator, hoping it's quick so he doesn't decide to dart back into the apartment. I've accepted my feelings for the man beside of me now, I've got no choice, my heart breaks when ever he looks sad, and the need to fix him over takes me. It is so simple now that I've come to the conclusion I love him, everything has clicked into place in my mind. It has always been him, what I've been seeking out in others was always there in him. I mean what would I do with out his smart mouth, his attitude, his mere presence in my life making my head spin. He is fucking crazy, and I am so out of mind for being in love with him but I know now I am incomplete without him. His sharpness, his edge, his darkness is the perfect contrast to the lighter side of me. We are made for each other, yet I know I need to help him heal and walk away. I just hope he can see that what I plan is for the best. He needs to be alone, needs to learn to feel safe, needs to find the confidence in himself to stand against the world again. If I am always there holding his hand, always holding him up then he will never be whole again. I can not be his crutch I just hope that one day he will come back to me, when we are both ready and strong enough to be together. I just hope I can walk away when it is time. I pray I am strong enough to do what must be done, already I can feel myself wavering on the idea of letting him go now that I finally have him.

He doesn't run back to the apartment and the ride is quiet as we head down to the ground floor, I glance at the mirrors that surface the walls, watching him watching me. "Someday I so want to throw you up against the walls in here and fuck you nice and hard, all these mirrors would make it so hot." He blinks at me repeatedly and glances around, seeing a camera in the corner he points at it and I shrug. "Hell if we ever get famous a sex tape could be worth a lot of money" He can't hide the smile that slides onto his face and I think maybe I'm winning this small battle of wills, at least for the night. I'm not exactly the romantic type, I honestly think Punk would do better at planning a date hell he probably would have got me flowers. I on the other hand strong armed him into going out with me, very romantic but I hope some of what I have planned will make up for it.

Our first stop for the evening is so not romantic in the least, hell it was a last minute decision on my part, really only decided on it because Punk's stomach informed me he was hungry. We stop at one of Punk's favorite Taco places. We stand on the corner devouring our burritos and he keeps looking around fearfully. Finally he speaks to me again and I can't help but smile. "So this is real fancy, didn't know they took reservations here and to think I've stood on this street corner so many times before without permission." I glance around seeing no one nearby I pull him close and lick a small bit of sauce from the corner of his mouth.

"I wouldn't stand on a corner to often, people may get the wrong idea and this ass belongs to me and no one else." His mood is slowly lightning, and I hope that I can keep this going. "It wasn't here I need reservations for, it's the rest of the night I needed them." he cocks his head and studies me, those olive eyes showing me again his love, even with all of his pain he finds the place to love me. After we finish I lead him again, wanting to hold his hand but this our turf, people around here know us, and last thing either of us need is the internet speculation to start. When we arrive at the side door or the Riviera theater he glances at me in confusion and I can not help but feel so proud of myself, Punk is about to loose his mind and I can't wait to see it. I produce the tickets, and passes to the security guard and we are allowed inside. The backstage area is sprawled out before us and he seems very confused, I can hear the crowded theater, so can he but as we round a corner Punk's green eyes widen and I swear he just became a kid in the best candy store in the world. He turns and looks at me, then turns back to the sight before us. There is poster with a list of songs, a set list with the band's name clearly on top. Rancid, and only a few feet away is this Lars guy I've heard him talk about on so many occasions I think he almost put me to sleep.

The man himself glances over and smiles, he approaches us and I think Punk may be having a fan boy moment. He is practically vibrating in place, excitement washing over him as one of the men he worships actually speaks to him. "I know you, you wrestle, ROH right, Punk, huge fan can't wait to see where you go from here." Punk seems stunned one of his idols knows who he is and is a fan he glances at me and then takes a deep breath.

"Thanks, yeah it's Punk, I'm a huge fan of your band. You like wrestling, you should come check out a show sometime, see me in action. Come backstage, meet some of the guys." I take a step back and just watch the exchange, the guy in charge must have called to Lars more times than he would have likes, finally marching over to drag him away from Punk and towards the stage. Punk turns towards me then and yanks my head forward, giving me a fierce kiss, it is brief but I can feel his happiness, and desire behind his mouth on mine. "Thank you, how did you do this? This is incredible, you didn't spend too much money on this did you? Oh there starting come on." He drags me to the side of the stage and as he watches the concert I watch him, the music is pounding and the man in front of me is coming alive, dancing, singing, clapping, hell I think he even screamed in delight a few times. I almost forgot this Punk, we are so focused on out careers, on our path that I think we all forget to take the time to enjoy the small things, the moments when we become the fan and for once don't have the masses screaming our names. When the show concludes Lars and Punk once again talk, I sit back and allow them this time. They exchange numbers and I think Lars is planning on coming to the next ROH show, so apparently Punk is not quitting wrestling.

As we leave the show, I think Punk is truly giddy, the smile on his face seems stuck, and for once it meets his eyes. The joy in him is addicting and I can't help but pull him into a dark corner and kiss him. It's a small kiss, too risky for more but his hand on my cheek caressing gently is worth any price I had to pay for the tickets. "You are amazing, thank you for this. Why didn't you tell me this is where we were going?"

"Would you have fought me any less Punk?" He seems to consider this and I see the light in his eyes dim a little.

"No I guess not, sorry I've been crazy lately." I shrug and kiss him again not wanting London's memory ruin the night.

"Stop letting him control your life Punk, and start living it. Now we have one more place to go before we head back home." His eyes light back up at knowing I have more planned. We take the metro to the Quincy station, walking through the stilling night, Chicago is never really quiet but this time of night it almost feels as if you can feel it slowing, breathing, the rush relaxing. We approach Sears tower and he glances at me. Obviously it is closed but I have a connection, so I pull out my phone and dial my friend. A few moments later a side door opens and he waves us in. I thank him and he nods shrugging. He gives up thirty minutes and leads us to the elevator. As we travel up I feel Punk lean against me, 103 stories in the sky we emerge. The skydeck before us the glass windows showing Punk his city, sparkling, alive, I hear his sharp intake of breath and lead him on onto the ledge, the glass surrounds us even beneath our feet and there it is in all of its beauty. "You know Punk, even with its bloody history Chicago like this seems like it's never been broken, even with all the battles it is still standing proud, strong, unbreakable." His eyes are taking in everything and he finally turns and looks at me.

"Point made" he states and I have to smile wondering if it really has been made I just hope he heard my real meaning. We leave the building and head back towards home, I make him stand outside a store and run in grabbing a couple of those sad looking roses, but hope its the thought that counts. I watch him, and he doesn't look around, he doesn't cringe when a car door closes, or rush into the store when some one walks by. At least for the night I have managed to sooth his soul. I hand him the roses and he actually blushes, I wonder if anyone has even given him flowers, and decide I really need to do better. When we arrive back at the building he pulls me away from the elevator and we go to the pool area, I unlock the door and he leads me over to the edge. He strips his sneakers off and rolls up the bottoms of his jeans, sitting his feet dangling in the cool water, I sit beside of him. "I love you" I smile the knowledge is very secure, I know how much he loves me now.

"As I love you Punk." He runs his fingers into the water and seems lost in thought.

"You wanted a guide book to Phillip, to who he is without Punk." I nod I know Phil but I know Punk better. "I'm one in the same you know, but Phillip tends to be the broken part of me, the part that doesn't trust, that hurts, that wants so desperately to be fixed. Punk is the part of me who is strong, who fights against the world, who never gives up. Punk would be how you see Chicago unbreakable. You know Phil better than you think Colt, the problem is the world has beaten down Punk. He's shattered, I'm shattered and I don't know how to survive that. I'm trying, the fact that I get out of bed everyday is huge. I feel like I gave him all my power, I let London take it all. I don't know how to take it back, I can't seem to figure out a way to just breathe through this." I pull my phone from my pocket, and search his pockets for his. Once I am sure not to ruin anything I sink into the water, pulling him with me. Our clothes are soaked but it does not matter, he wraps his legs around my waist and I just hold him.

"Sometimes we can't just breath Phil, sometimes we have to take the time to feel it, even if it leaves us worse for wear, even if it breaks us down, we gotta feel it to make our way through it. It's okay if you don't know how to survive this I will help you find a way. I'm here, and I promise to always be here. You have all of me, I'm not even sure when I gave it to you but you have me. I need you to understand that I love all of you, I love Phil, I love Punk, I love all of you. I think you are my perfection, the bonnie to my Clyde, I love everything about you. You fight for what you believe is right, the way you smile, the way your eyes light up, the way even when the world beats you down, you come back. Don't give up on me now, even when you cry it is beautiful. It's okay to stay still and feel, to float in your emotions for a while, but you can't shut down, if you do he wins, and you are so much stronger than that." He leans back against the water and my hands hold his hips as he floats, the t-shirt clinging to the contours of his body. There are no bruises visible, his skin has healed but the marks left on the inside, the scars on his heart will forever be there I just hope I can help them fade with time.

"I think I could have dealt with the physical abuse, it wasn't fun but I could have stayed strong through it. His words though, his words haunt me. He got so far into my head Colt that I don't know if what I am thinking is my own voice, or his whispering in my mind. I just want him out of my head, I want him out of my dreams." I understand this, the emotional abuse, mental abused had to be fierce for Punk to except the physical abuse.

"So when you doubt something, if it is your own thought ask me, I know how you think, I know what would be his voice." He thinks about is and then opens his mouth.

"I'm pathetic, weak, shallow."

"His voice not yours" I state and he nods.

"I can never get anything right, I fail at everything,"  
>"His."<p>

"I am a danger to others in the ring, I have zero talents, I'm useless."

"His."

"I'm unlovable."

"Yours, that's your voice." he wrinkles his nose looking at me. "You don't think you deserve love, you never have, it is why you push people away. Those who push back, you know are worth it. I think it stems from parents who couldn't show they love you, so you think you are not worth love. I promise you are, you are worth so much more than you can even begin to know." He is blinking back tears, staring straight up at the lights above the pool, I prepare myself because from the look on his face I know this isn't going to be a pretty thought.

"I don't have the right to say no, I'm a whore, a slut, I'm cheap, and I don't deserve pleasure." I swallow hard and shake my head.

"His voice, all his voice Phil" He licks at his lips sitting up, his arms slide around my neck.

"The first time, I knew it was wrong, I knew it was rape. I told him to stop, I begged him, I screamed, I cried and he laughed at me. He took what he wanted with no concern to me as a person. I was just an object, something for him to use and toss away. Yet I stayed, I didn't walk away, and then I began to justify it. It wasn't rape because he loved me, it wasn't rape because I didn't fight hard enough, or say no enough. It wasn't rape because my body responded, every time he did it I made an excuse. I had myself so convinced that what he was doing was perfectly alright. How did I do that, why did I do that? I hate him Scott, the thought of him makes me nausea, yet part of me wants to go back. Part of me is messed up that I think he is right, that I deserve the abuse, the rape. I hate that part of me, I need help fixing it." I nod and he close his eyes and I think perhaps we should exit the water, we are both going to look like raisins soon, but then his eyes open again and this time the look he gives me is one of desire. "I feel him when I close my eyes, I feel his touch on my skin, his lips, I feel him inside of me. I need you to erase that Scott, I want to feel you not him. I want you, take me upstairs please." I go to the edge of the pool and he slides away from me to sit on the ledge I pull myself up beside of him. I study him and after a moment stand, I take his hand and pull him to his feet. I collect our phone, and the roses he takes them from me.

"I don't want to rush you Punk." He nods and I wrap my arm around his waist, our foot prints leave a wet trail as we make out way to the elevator. The elevator ride is quiet and when we walk into the apartment no lights are turned on. He leads and I follow to the bedroom, we both stand staring at each other. Our clothing dripping onto the floor, leaving little puddles "Shower" I whisper and he seems confused "I want to smell you, taste you, not chlorine, we need to shower first." He nods in understanding and we walk into that bathroom together. I'm not sure how far this is going to go, the only thing I know is that I will do anything he asks of me tonight. For he truly owns all of me even if I'm not good enough for him.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading, please leave your opinion. I love to hear other's opinions on my work.<strong>

**Guest- Yes it think they are reaching an understanding, a place where they would allow themselves their love could grow. If both would stop being so stubborn. I'm glad you like the pacing of this story I didn't want it to be rushed, I know from my career that abuse takes time to heal from and I wanted to show Punk's journey, not just make it all happy, rainbows, and smut. Thank you for your review!**

**Lamentomori- I felt that if Punk wouldn't defend himself, his fierceness would come out for colt and give Punk a little change to get his hands on london. Woe-cean is awesome so going to steal that lol. I don't think my stories are ever not messy, at least until the last chapter lol. I like my curve balls, hell my Punkmuse creates them i just go with the flow. I am trying to make Punk experience his feelings, but my Punkmuse hates dealing with it, he just likes to gallop to the next one, I think this is going to cause him to head to a break down. Colt in all of his good intentions are going to come back and be thrown in his face. I'm almost afraid where my Punkmuse wants to take this but I know if I go with the ride it always ends up someplace I am satisfied with. **


	10. Mordred's Lullaby

**Okay forewarning lots of violence and triggers including suicide in this chapter, skip it if you can not handle it.**

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><p>We step from the shower, to say I am nervous is an under statement, I am not even sure I am capable of going through with this. Paul wouldn't care if I wanted to participate or not but Colt will and he will stop if I show any sign of fear. I'm trying to force down my nerves as we head in the bedroom together, Colt turns and takes my hands into his caressing the back with his thumbs. I think of confessing that this may not be a good idea it may be to soon for me, but at the same time I haven't wanted this with Colt for so long that I am unwilling to voice my anxiety. I've decided to get through this any way possible, even if I have to pretend. I want Colt more than any one I have ever wanted, I need Colt, and I want to please him. He has been patient with me, and I need to give into both of our desires. He pulls me close to his body and I wrap my arms around him, burying my face into his neck I breathe him in and that soothes my worries at least a little bit. He runs his hands along my back, walking slowly until the back of my knees hit the bed. I sit and slide to the middle of the bed, laying back I watch him wondering what he is thinking. He sits beside of me and I know he is backing out, he is about to voice this when my ring tone fills the room. I glance over at my phone not sure who the hell would be calling this late. I grab at it and frown handing it to Colt, it is his mother I wonder why she would be calling me. I grab at Colt's phone and notice it is silences and he has several missed calls and texts from his family. I glance through them and see that his dad is in the hospital, he is already yanking clothes on as he speaks. I stand and follow suit, once we are dressed we head out to the living room he disconnects the call and pulls me tightly to him.<p>

"I got to go to the hospital, I'm sorry tonight has been a slight disaster, I'll call you and update you on the situation. I'll see you soon get some rest." he plants a quick kiss onto my lips and before I can even offer to go with him he is out of the apartment, and I am alone for the first time in weeks. I walk over to the door and make sure all of the locks are in place. Going over to the TV I settle down flipping through the channels hoping Colt's dad would be okay. The phone ringing by the door startles me, I glance away from Antique Roadshow and stare at it. It's the phone connected to the lobby and they only call when someone is here to visit. I'm guessing Colt called someone to come babysit me so I stand with a sigh and grab the phone.

"Yes" I hear the guard inform me that I have a visitor "Who is it?" I ask this only because Colt would kill me if I just let someone come up without finding out who it is. I hear muffled voices and then my heart begins to speed up.

"A Mr. London" I lick at my lips glancing around the apartment, wondering how he found me, how he knew to come here. My hand trembles as I try to figure out what to do next. "Sir do you want me to spend him up?" I close my eyes and think maybe I should just hand up the phone and hit the alarm button, I do have a restraining order he is not allowed to be here trying to see me.

"Yes send him up' I whisper not even sure why I give this permission. I hang up the phone and with in a minute hear a knock at the door I glance through the peep hole confirming that it is Paul. I chose not to open it, leaning against it and speaking loud enough so he is sure to hear me. "Go the fuck away, I don't know how you found out where I live, but you are not allowed to be here, leave now or I will call the police." I hear his laugh through the door and glance around snatching my phone of the stand where Colt had left it. I flip it open and hesitate to dial the police, instead I scroll to Ace's name.

"Let me in Punk, we need to have a talk. I know you are alone in there so open up the fucking door. I made sure Colt would have to leave, don't worry his dad will be fine it's just a little case of food poisoning. It wasn't very hard to locate you Punk I just slipped into Gabe's office and went through his files until I found the new address. Big upgrade, awful lot of security, doesn't work if you let me in though does it. Open the fucking door now!" I blink at the door unsure of what to do it's like my brain took a vacation the moment I heard his name, I need help that much I know. He starts to pound on the door and I stand staring at it, finally hitting the send button on Ace's name, I place the phone to my ear, hoping to scare Paul off. As soon as ace picks up I start speaking.

"I need help, a man I have a restraining order against is at my front door trying to force his way in." I am speaking loud enough for Paul to hear me hoping he thinks I am on the phone with the police. I hear Ace say he is on his way. I give Ace my name and address hoping he catches onto what I am doing. He does and tells me that a car has been dispatched to my location. I smile slightly but I can tell I am angering Paul more.

"I have a fucking gun Punk, open the door before I start shooting. I'll take out your neighbors and any one else that shows up. Open the fucking door now bitch." I know Ace can hear him and I pray he is just lying but can I really risk it. My hand reaches for the lock shaking, I stop and wait, hearing no shots, nothing I take a quick peak through the peep hole again. He is pacing back and forth in front of my door, I set my phone down and decide maybe I can end this peacefully before ace gets there.

"Paul you need to go, the police are on the way. We are over, you need to move on. Just go home Paul, meet someone else, maybe get some therapy. I don't belong to you anymore, you need to go now." Okay apparently using reason was not the right way to go, he is throwing himself against the door trying to get in. The commotion he is causing is going to get us kicked out of here, not to mention the neighbors I am sure he is freaking out. So I do the only thing I think I can do to stop him, leaving the chain on the door I turn the deadbolt slipping the door open slightly. "Stop it, you are making a fucking scene." His face is pressed int the opening and he literally growls in my face.

"Open the fucking door Punk, or the scene I make will be much worse. Everyone will know how much of a whore you are. Open the fucking door!" I close my eyes and shove the door closed in his face, my hand reaching for the chain. Swallow hard, he has such a hold on me, I know I shouldn't let him in but he'll be so much more mad if I refuse. I start to slide the lock out of place the moment the chain hits the door it is flung open and I am on the floor. His fists rain down on me, I put my hands over my head to try to prevent injury. He just strikes my chest and stomach, I can't breathe I can't even get him to try to stop. I taste blood, and feel my ribs breaking from a particularly hard blow. "Who the fuck do you think you are? You don't get to leave me you little bitch. I decide when this is over not you! You need to learn a fucking lesson, you've been spreading these legs for Cabana, yo fucking whore. Now you are going to spread them for me, and when I am fucking done with you he will never want to touch you again. You pathetic, ugly, stupid freak, no one is ever going to want you again." He is screaming and I am pushing against him, struggling, wondering why I ever opened the door, why am I so weak. His hands are yanking at my clothing and I am finally fighting back, my fist hitting wherever I can connect. I hope Ace hurries the hell up, I wonder if they will let him in. Hell I think Paul is on a do not let on the premises list but he still got up, only because I agreed though.

He stands and kicks me several times in the side, stomping down on my chest and stomach. Then he is dragging me by the hair across the room, my nails rake at his skin, I scream for hims to stop, I yell for help. I look at the alarm panel, there is help, if I could just get to it. He drags me towards the kitchen and I cringe, if he gets into the kitchen with me he would have a weapon in a heart beat and I can not allow this. I punch at his knee, letting go of the hand that is pulling out my hair, I do this a few times before he finally lets go of the peroxide strands. As soon as he does I scramble to my feet, ignoring the pain in my body I scramble across the room. He is right behind me, grabbing at me but I was always a little faster so I use it to my advantage. As soon as I can reach I slam my hand onto the alarm setting it off, the blaring fills the apartment, and he screams obscenities at me, finally catching me I am flung to the ground again. He is on top of me, and his hands are choking me, I claw at his face, and drive my elbow into his windpipe. I'm not even sure he feels anything I am doing to him, the rage in his eyes is frightening. I think he may be on drugs at the moment, and I wonder if that was why the sudden change occurred. I feel myself about to pass out, lack of oxygen and pain ripping through my body. He hands suddenly leave my neck and I take a grateful breath of air, his hands are yanking my pants down and I'm suddenly on my stomach. I claw at the floor, trying to drag myself away, his weight pinning me down. I feel his erection and I gag, there is now ay I am letting him do this, I slam my head back catching him in the chin. He groans and grabs my hair slamming my head down several times into the floor under me. I hope to black out, the fight in body is weakening and I don't want to be awake if he gets to do what he wants.

Suddenly his weight is gone, and with a dizzy head I glance back, the security guards from the lobby have arrived, and so has Ace. I wish the alarm would stop my head hurts so much already, I try to focus on the commotion, the guards have Paul and Ace is screaming at him, Joe is here also, I wonder how Joe knew to come. I clutch at my aching chest and stomach too exhausted to really move, I'm still having trouble breathing, gasping for the air into my lungs. My mouth is filled with blood so I spit it on the floor, that little action catches Joe's attention and he lets go of Ace rushing to my side. I look at him and wonder if he knows that he has a twin. His fingers move my hands and I see his eyes widen, I wonder why but don't have the energy to ask. "An ambulance is on it's way Punkers just do me a favor and don't pass out, stay awake, and I know it hurts but keep breathing." I focus on him and then Ace also both hovering over me, Ace slides my pants back into place looking at me questioningly and I shake my spinning head no. He breathes a sigh of relief and I just focus on the breathing the burning in my chest and the fact that I keep swallowing down blood.

"Colt is so going to rip you a new one, why the hell did you let him in?" I want to answer Ace but it is getting harder o stay awake. I use the last of my energy to lift my head and look down wondering why my chest hurts so much. The right side is black, deeply black, and I think about the feeling of my ribs breaking. I think this is probably not good, and that the bruise is going to hurt like a bitch. I manage to stay awake when the EMT arrive I try to listen, when they move me I want to scream. I don't protest the IV's, and oxygen, I don't fight anything they do. I know Ace will make sure they don't give me anything I don't want. I even manage to stay awake in the ambulance, but by the time we reach the ER I am again wanting to pass out, I wonder if this is where Colt's dad is. If Colt is here, he is going to be so mad at me. A hand on my arm causes me to open my heavy eyelids, and I have my answer, Colt walks beside the gurney as I am rushed down a hallway, his mother not to far behind. I struggle to say something to him, his eyes scan my face and my body.

"S...S..Sorry" I manage wanting to say more but he just frowns and squeezes my arm.

"Not your fault" it is though I could have sent him away, I could have kept the door locked it is my fault, and now I've dragged others into my mess. Paul is right I am pathetic, I wish he would have just killed me, then no one would have to worry about me any longer. I want to voice that but I am not rushed into a room, instead I am rushed through a door that says OR and everyone else is left behind. I glance and they stand staring at me through the glass, but blissfully my body finally shuts down and I slip into darkness.

The first thing I notice when I start waking up is the pain, my body is on fire, my chest feels as if an elephant is sitting on it, but at least breathing is not so difficult. I pry my eyelids open and immediately slam them shut at the bright light above my head. I hear a click and the light dims behind my eyelids so again I open them. I blink for several moments before looking around, Ace sits beside of me, Joe is asleep in a chair, and I don't see Colt, I glance around again making sure, and then swallow hard. My eyes seek out Ace for an answer. "He is down with his dad, they are discharging him. Apparently someone slipped a toxin into something he ate. He will be fine, just weak, Colt will be up soon although I'm not sure what he is going to say to you." I wince not just from the yelling I am sure colt will do, but because I know it was Paul who went after colt's family. I glance down at my body, the gown and blankets cover most of it, I can see bruises on my arms but nothing more. "You had emergency surgery, he broke several of your ribs and one of them punctured your lung, and caused massive internal bleeding. They removed the rib fragment and sealed the lung, I'm not even fully sure of what the hell they did. I just know it was bad and you almost died, oh also you have a severe concussion and a whole hell of a lot of bruises. If you want something for the pain the nurse will bring it, I said you wouldn't but hell if I know you anymore. As far as I know your not straight edge, you are not anything like the man you use to be. He would have never agreed to let him up, he would have never opened that door, he would have never stayed after the first time Paul hit you. I find I don't really like the man you've become lately, still love you Punk but don't like this side of you."

I close my eyes fighting back the tears, everything had fallen apart so quickly, the night had started so well, and it ended with everyone angry with me and them all having a point I couldn't deny. I just lay there staring at the ceiling and listening to Joe snore, and the steady beep pf my heart monitor. Wondering if the machine is accurate how can my heart beat so strong, when it is so broken? The door to the room is opened and I glance over Colt approaches and stands beside of the bed not touching me, not looking at me. I study him, staring pleadingly at him, I really need him to comfort me but his body is shaking and his fist are clenched. He finally takes a deep breath and speaks "I'm not going to yell it is a waste of my time, I am not going to fight, plead, cry beg, none of it works. I am not going to make promises, or hear reasons that don't matter. You keep letting him back, you keep letting him destroy you, I will not watch it any longer. I am going to stay with my parents, you can stay at the apartment as long as you want. If you ever decide you are finally done with him, that you want to reclaim your life then give me a call. I love you Punk but I will not stand around and wait for him to kill you because you don't love yourself." I want to reach out to him, I want to demand he look at me, I want him to not do this now, I can't take this. Instead I go back to staring at the ceiling, the pain in my chest is increasing and I wonder if it is so wrong to get the pain medications. I shake this away not allowing anyway to take that away from me.

"Get out" I hiss this "Everyone get the fuck out of my room" Colt turns and retreats, Ace of course doesn't listen, at least until I start screaming for him to leave and the nurse makes everyone do so. As soon as I am alone I demand to be released, the doctor refuses and I sign myself out AMA. I think they almost want to hold me on a psychiatric hold but they don't have enough to do it. I pull on my blood stain pants, and take the scrub top the nurse offers. They give me some prescriptions painkillers and an antibiotic. I toss the painkillers in the trash and walk from the hospital, hailing a cab I'm not sure where I am going to go. I finally rattle off an address feeling I have no other choice, I return to the apartment. The guards see me and I force a smile, thanking them for helping. I take the elevator up and when I open the door to my apartment I greeted with police tape, blood on the floor, furniture I hadn't known tipped over.

I force myself to enter, grabbing my cell phone from the floor I walk to the bedroom, curling up on our bed I let the pain in, it overtakes me and I scream out. It's not just physical pain, the emotional hurt is overwhelming. I need Colt, I need him, here in this room his smell is all around me but he left, walked away. He left me bleeding on the floor, and so I sing myself a quiet lullaby trying to keep the misery at bay. I'm a ghost, a shell, and now that he is gone is there any reason to go on? I stand and make my way to the bathroom, words floating in my mind. _Pathetic, whore, slut, nothing, useless, liar, bitch, fuck-up, nothing, unlovable_ over and over again they scream at me. My own voice mixed with Paul's, Colt's voice is slipping in slowly. _You don't love yourself._ I stare at the person in the mirror, the ghost that stares back at me I don't recognize. My hands act on their own pulling open the cabinet I retrieve the straight razor I use for shaving. I walk back to the bedroom, curling back up, I take a deep breath his scent filling me. I take my phone and send him a message, send Joe and ace one also, there's is a generic thank you for caring I'm sorry his is more. I bring the blade to my wrist, and am surprised at how easy it is, how little pain I feel as the crimson starts to flow. I sing softly to myself a lullaby _Hush, child, darkness will rise from the deep,and carry it down into sleep, child. Darkness will rise from the deep, and carry it down into sleep._I watch as the red coats the white sheets, and I feel free. I hear my phone, it's his ring tone and I reach out trying to answer. My fingers fumble with the phone, I know I need to slash the other wrist soon but I want to hear his voice one last time. "Colt" I whisper and his voice is raised, panicked filled.

"Where are you Punk, where the hell are you?" I glance around the room and smile. He is in front of me, the phone slips from my hand and I reach out to him. He vanishes right before my fingers touch him, frowning I call out to him. I can still hear his voice demanding to know where I am.

"I'm with you Colt, you're here home with me. Always with you, I love you so much, so much red, it is my favorite color, I need to wash the sheets though, I think they may stain. I love you Colt, it has always been you I love you. Don't leave, stay with me, don't let me go, I'm sorry, not your fault." I'm not sure anything is making sense, I'm not sure he is here or even on the phone. This may all be a dream, a nightmare in which I need to wake up. I lay my head back down onto his pillow, I can still here him so far away now but he is still with me. Always with me, the other voices in my mind have stopped and alls I can hear is Colt. His voice keeps stating I love you, over and over I hear him and I smile. He's always loved me, he is just too stubborn to see it. I think to the message I sent to him and I wonder if he read it, if he understands now. _I'm not good enough for you, you need someone stronger. I will love you with my dying breath, even after Colt, if there is a heaven I will wait for you there. I'm so tired of fighting I've done it all my life. Be happy and never blame yourself, you should have walked away long ago, I'm sorry I dragged you into my hell, I love you and I will wait for you._ Does he understand I freed him, he doesn't need to save me anymore. I won't haunt him ever again, my ghost will be gone.

The bed is becoming distant, the crimson I watch as it floats away. An empty bed with stained sheets, and then I'm adrift in the hallway, my phone remains on that bed, but I still here his voice. I feel him on my skin and I force myself to blink, trying to make sense of my mind. Yet nothing comes to me, maybe I've gone crazy. Colt walking away the one thing that could break my mind, yet I float to the living room and then out the door. Water drips onto my skin and I wonder if it is raining inside, I should complain to the landlord. Then I'm in the elevator, the glass reflecting back at me and I understand now how I am hovering in mid-air. His arms are around me holding me up, cradling me in his arms, and his lips are moving. He is pleading and I focus on the voice that seems so far away, he pleads with me to stay with him. Begs me not to close my eyes, to just breath. He's sorry he left, he was on his way back, he over reacted, he loves me. I smile and turn my head too look up at him, my arm reaches out and strokes the tears from his face. I wonder at the red left behind, is he bleeding? His eyes meet mine, and I smile up at him. "It's okay Colt, everything is okay, I love you. I let you go be free." He shakes his head and I just rest on his shoulder, too tired to fight with him, my eyes drift closed and I feel darkness creep in.

I see us, the two of us dancing slowly together, an empty room, and I think we may be balancing on a tightrope. I take a step back and look down, no nets below us. He reaches out to me, and I step away careful not to fall, I smile at him and he dives towards me as I jump. I wonder if it will hurt to hit the ground, but yet I am not falling, his hand clutches my wrist, tightly, and I look up, his mouth is moving but I hear nothing. Crimson rivers appear between his fingers and I feel his grip slip as I sink down a little, He is struggling, dragging me up to the rope. I look at it with disinterest and he pleads I grab a hold, I hear him scream as I slide further so only he clings to my fingers, the blood drips down my arm and he begs me silently. Finally I reach out, my free hand gripping the small thread we balance upon, and I see relief as he drags me back to the place where we began to dance slowly on a tightrope.

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><p><strong>I would love to hear everyone's opinion so please review, please please please! Thank you for reading this!<strong>

**Guest- I think Colt is regretting leaving him now, and may have learned his lesson, we will see in the next chapter. Thanks for the review.**

**Lamentori- Okay so this is nowhere near the happy fic I promised you so give me a prompt and I will write you a one shot lady! What can I say Colt has very sodding stupid ideas, and those ideas have consequences, big consequences when he tries to let go of a very fragile Punk! i think huge blow would be an under statement and I am afraid any progress he made with Punk is gone, that is if he survives, though I think you would kill me if I killed him, so Punk will cling to his tightrope lol. I am so glad you got the symbolism in the pool scene, and pictured it the exact same way i did! Punk didn't strap on any big boy pants, instead not dealing with emotions has blown up in his face!**


	11. Once Upon a December

How the hell did we get here, I mean seriously how did we end up in this place. I replay every moment in our head since the day we met and I can not figure it out. How am I in an emergency department waiting room sitting, praying, hoping, that the man I am in love with survives. I analyze every action, every decision and still can not find the answer's. After I walked out of Punk's room I knew I fucked up, the moment I left his room I knew and I wanted to take my words back. However Ace yelling at me, my mother yelling at me, and my father lecturing me got in the way. By the time I returned to his room, he was gone, and after finding a nurse I was informed he checked himself out. I almost hit her, I knew it wasn't her fault that Punk is an idiot but who the fuck thought he was in the right mental state to make those decisions. I went and grabbed Ace and Joe, then we headed out to search, I knew he hadn't gone to London the man is in jail, he wouldn't go to his parents so I figured maybe he would go to Chez or her parent's house. I called Chez but no one had seen him, so I headed back to our apartment hoping he didn't go back there alone. I'm almost home when the text comes in, we all receive one but mine tells me exactly what he is doing. I call him frantically ignore all the rules of the road as I drive.

He is completely out of it on the phone, I'm not sure if it is from the blood loss he keeps mentioning or if he had finally just snapped. Neither option is a great one, so I just keep talking to him, even when he is speaking I talk. I use the stairs running to the apartment and when I arrive I cringe at the bloody floor and over turned furniture, yet I race through it to the bedroom. I checked him over and thank god only one wrist is slashed, though with earlier injuries this may be more than enough to accomplish the job. I put as much pressure on his wrist, my grip tight as I pull him into my arms, I'm not even sure if he was aware that I held him, that he was moving, at least not until we were in the elevator. It was on our floor and would be quicker then carrying him down the stairs, then I think he knew I was there as his head rested on my shoulder. Ace drove us back to the hospital, Punk lost consciousness on the way, I squeezed his wrist and watched his chest rise slowly no one spoke. I don't think anyone even knew what to say. As soon as we arrived they whisked him away and we sat waiting.

My hands are covered in his blood, his life's essence is all over me and I can not bring myself to clean it off. Ace has suggested I go clean up in the bathroom but I ignore him, staring at the door they took Punk through. "This is my fault" both Ace and Joe roll there eyes at me and I sigh.

"Nope this is London's fault, this is Punk's fault, in no way is this your fault. You breaking up with him earlier may have not been the most intelligent thing, however Punk choosing to use you as the only reason to live, to fight, clinging to you as a life line is on him. So no it's not your fault, and he is going to be okay and this may be the thing that finally makes him get some psychiatric help so lets just stay positive." Ace squeezes my arm, ignoring my bloody shaking hands "he'll be fine Colt" I laugh at the idea and wonder when was the last time Punk was fine, have I ever known Punk as okay? He's always had these walls and attitude was that just hiding the damage from me. Maybe I don't know what a healthy CM Punk looks like. Everyone can say I am not to blame but I will take my share in this, I should have not over reacted, I should have taken the time to calm down and not let my emotions get the best of me. I should have reigned in the anger I felt that the one time I leave he lets the enemy into our apartment, I should have taken the time to listen to him, find out how all of this went down. Instead between my father and Punk I was running on fumes and I blew the fuck up. I also should have never started this relationship the way I did, the lie which was the truth, the protectiveness, letting him use me as a crutch, I should have waited until he was stronger to begin this, until Paul was out of the picture. It all should have happened differently, we should have never gotten to this place but we are here and if he survives then what, where does that leave us?

A doctor appears and calls Ace's name, he apparently is Punk's emergency contact, who the fuck knew that I figured it would be Chez, or her parents, or hell even his parents but it is Ace, and apparently I am listed also. We stand as a united group, and walked over man, and once again I pray. "How is Phil?" the doctor smiles and leads us down the hall out of the busy waiting room, we are led to a small room and I wonder if this where they tell us he is dead.

"Physically he is going to be fine, however with everything that has happened in the last few hours we are concerned with his mental health. Legally we have to keep him on a psychiatric hold for at least seventy-two hours or until we feel he is not a danger to himself. He will need to meet with a therapist, do you know if he currently is seeing one, or if he has any previous psychiatric issues?" Everyone is quiet and I realize they all are looking at me as if I would know these answers.

"No he is not currently seeing a therapist, if he has past issues I have no idea, most of this I think started when his ex decided to use him as a punching bag. Can I go see him?" The doctor glances at the chart in his hand.

"Can I ask you are listed as an emergency contact but what is your relationship?" great question doc, how about you ask Punk and then tell me his fucking answer.

"Not that it is any of your business, but boyfriend, partner, husband, what ever fucking definition you want. We kiss, we live together, and we sleep in the same bed." The doctors nods marking something in the chart.

"I only ask because while he is here on a psychiatric hold all visitors are monitored and your relationship will make it easier for us to let you stay longer. You can go see him, he is awake and very unhappy, he is in restraints so he can not hurt himself. We ask that you don't take those off, no matter what he says or does." I nod agreeing but wondering if I am strong enough to resist Punk, we tells me the room number and I leave him with Ace and Joe to answer anymore of his questions.

I approach the room, standing in the doorway for several long moments studying him. His skin is pale, yet his eyes are open and he is looking out the window in the room. He occasionally tugs at the cuffs on his wrist but otherwise doesn't move. I glance down at myself and quickly rush to the bathroom, I wash off as much of the blood on my skin, scrubbing at my shirt to no avail. I did the best I could to clean up and returned to his room, walking in I approached the bed slowly. I reach out and touch his pale cheek, the warmth there tells me is alive. He turns his head into my hand and nuzzles it, looking up at me "sorry" he whispers and I just nod sitting beside him in the uncomfortable chair, looking around the room that is bound to become my home until he is no longer a danger to himself.

"Rest we will talk about it later, I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere." He smiles and closes those green eyes and then they pop open,

"Promise you won't leave? Your not leaving me?" I take his hand and squeeze lightly.

"I am here for the long run, couldn't leave you if I tried Punk, you are my home." He seems to understand what I mean by this as his smile gets bigger and his fingers stroke my skin. He glances at the restraint and then at me hopefully. "They stay on, until the doctors says otherwise they stay on, Don't put me in the position to go against them and get myself kicked out. Besides restraints on you are kind of sexy." He bites at his lip but amazingly doesn't ask me to remove them instead gets a slight sparkle in his eyes.

"The restraints I have at home are much softer, these are so going to chaff." I blink and he laughs pulling his arm up slightly so he can use the controller on the bed, he raises the head and tries to get comfortable. "Can you get that water for me" I nod and grab the glass holding the straws to his lips. He takes a long drink and then settles again in the bed. "Colt I am sorry, I know it was stupid, I'll talk about it later okay. I'm just so tired, don't leave me okay." I reassure him again that I am not going anywhere, and he closes his eyes this time drifting off.

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><p>Seventy-nine hours that is how long they keep him, the only reason they finally agreed to release him is he met with the therapist, I'm not sure what they talked about but he did agree to seek counseling. When he is released I am not sure where we should go, the apartment seems tainted now and any place else people would ask questions and want to talk to him. I need that opportunity first, we need to have a long conversation about our future, what he expects from me, what I need from him and where we go from here. It is a conversation long over due and avoided but it can't be that way any longer so even if I have to push him I'm going too. We do end up going back to the apartment I see no other choice in the matter, and the moment we enter I say a mental thank you to Ace. The apartment is completely back in order, no police tape, furniture where it belongs, and the trail of blood from our bedroom is gone. I follow him down the hall towards our bedroom, immediately noticing the new mattress under the pristine sheets. He settles on the bed with a frown and I cock my head in question. "It doesn't smell like you anymore" he states and I smile sitting beside of him and pull him into my arms.<p>

"It will soon enough, it will smell like both of us. Why don't you rest, Ace is stopping by in a bit and I don't know if you'll want to see him yet. We need to talk though, later when you don't look so tired. So rest I'll stay with you till Ace gets here." He nods and snuggles into me tightly, I run my fingers through his head and do as I promise until Ace arrives. I slide gently from him and he reaches out to me, so I place a pillow in his arms and walk from the room. Opening the door I allow Ace to enter, he follows me to the kitchen where I begin to open drawers pulling out anything sharp that I think Punk could hurt himself with. Ace watched me silently as I clear out the knife block he seems to be observing every movement.

"Are you alright?" I nod of course I'm alright it's Punk who is not alright I'm fine, I don't want to die, though I do wonder if Punk had accomplished the task of dying if I would have been able to live without him. "You don't have to be, I know you like to come off as strong but the fact is his actions affect you. You are allowed to have feelings about everything going on, maybe talking to me about them will help put everything in perspective." I slam the drawer shut harder than I mean to, but Ace is touching on some very raw nerves.

"What am I suppose to say Ace? That I'm angry? That I'm sad? That I have no fucking clue how I am feeling? He tried to kill myself, and it was partly my own damn fault, don't say it's not. I knew how fragile he is, I know Punk well enough to know he goes to extremes, but I didn't think, I reacted to my emotions, I can't do that with him, and it's not fair. I have to be the levelheaded one because Punk runs on emotions. He always has, whether or not he is this broken, he is ruled by emotions, he does and says what he wants, he follows his gut, he reacts with how he feels, there is no filter and that is one of the reasons I am in love with him but at the same time it is not fucking fair that I can not have my own feelings, the one time I do he slits his fucking wrists. I am so fucking angry, he would just leave me like that. I don't understand it." Ace walks over to me and hugs me tightly, I bury my face into his neck and just cry, though trying to be quiet in order not to wake Punk up.

"It's okay to be angry, we are all angry at him, sadness is beyond acceptable. Blaming yourself is not, I understand what you are saying, however you are not the one who hurt Punk and made him this low. In fact over the last few weeks I've seen him slowly coming back, it is the tiny little things, he smiles more, he laughs, he is willing to spend time with his friends and family. You are helping him it is just going to take time. You feel like you need to save him, and that is what you are doing to yourself, he is not asking you not to have feelings, or put how you feel on the back burner. The fact is that is one of the connections you have, you feed off each others emotions so stop shutting yours down and talk to him. It could help a lot for him to hear from you, what you feel, what you need. A relationship is not one sided, Punk knows this however he has put himself as nothing more than an object in a relationship, so make sure he doesn't do that here, make him understand he didn't fail you because I guarantee part of him is hearing Paul's voice in the back of his head. Take the time you both need, hell go to couples therapy or something, just don't keep avoiding talking to each other." I hate this man, he is right almost all of the time and I wonder why he can see everything in our lives that needs to be fixed but not his own.

I wipe at my eyes and step away from him, going back to securing the house. Once everything that is sharp is in tub I hand it to Ace. "take this home with you" he nods and sets it by the front door. We sit on the couch and I glance around the room, there is no evidence of anything ever happening here but I can see the disaster I ran into, the blood on the floor, the obvious signs of a struggle, it almost froze me in my tracks. The only reason I didn't stop is I knew what was waiting, Punk bleeding to death in our bed. Ace wraps an arm around my shoulders and I lean against him. We need to move now I think this place can never be our home. Even with all the security this place somehow seems unsafe. I hear the patter of his feet coming up the hall, Ace shifts so he has an arm around both of us as Punk settles in on his other side. No one speaks and punk reaches over and takes my hand, we settle against Ace, a man who has somehow become our brother, our father, and our best friend. I wonder who will speak first, if this will all go down with Ace here, a buffer between the two of us for our emotions. I almost think having a third party present wouldn't be a bad idea, someone to prevent us from going to far. Punk seems to be thinking the same thing as he speaks.

"I want to give you reasons that will make sense, I want to defend all my actions that night, but I'm not sure I can. Most of it seemed to be happening at a distance, almost as if I was watching myself doing things and trying to stop it all, but unable to make my mind and body function as one." I think about this, and can almost understand it, not fully but almost. However this is not where I want to start, I need to go back to the beginning.

"Explain to me your relationship with London, I know you've tried in the past but I feel you are not being honest with me, or yourself." I feel Ace squeeze my shoulder, and hear Punk take a deep breath. I glance over at him he is chewing on his lip ring and seems lost in thought.

"Paul and I were so complicated Colt, I'm not sure I can ever explain everything. I'm not sure I will ever understand it myself. I thought I loved him, and maybe in the beginning I did. Before the abuse things were good, I'm not sure how it all fell apart, he just changed and became someone I didn't know. At first when he would lash out my temper would lash right back, but then he just stripped me down, seemed to take all my insecurities and amplify them. So I stop striking back, and he got so far in my head I wonder if I can ever fully get him out. I saw it happening but by the time I understood what he was doing I couldn't leave I tried once and he tracked me down and dragged me back. I couldn't ask for help because that would mean I was weak, and I hate being weak. The abuse was bad, but it was the way he got into my head, I'm haunted by him and I'm so afraid he will always be a part of me." I remember how good it was in the beginning, how good they were together, and I think a part of me was jealous, I can see it now then I just put it off as being fed up with Punk being around all the time and distancing myself because it gave me some space, in truth I couldn't stand seeing them together.

"The night you came here, the night I told you we had a future if you left. I thought I was lying to you, dong whatever it took to get you away from him, I was only lying to myself though. The thing is I still see a future for us but things have to be different Punk." He looks over at me and I can see the question in his eyes. "I could demand to know why you let him up here, why you opened the door but I'm not going too. I understand that you are his victim, that you feel powerless when it comes to him. So asking you to explain would be pointless, because I'm not sure you even understand it. The things we need to change are between us." He turns so he is sitting cross legged on the couch staring at me through Ace, and I wonder how to put this delicately, but then I decided not to throw any punches. If I want him to here me, then he needs it put bluntly. "I need you to put effort in making this work, I need you to be on the same page with me, and I need you to be stronger. Right now I am the one pulling this relationship along, you are just here for the ride and i swear you are waiting for me to end it. I need to know that I can express to you how I am feeling and you not automatically assume you are doing something wrong. I'm not London I am not going to put everything that is wrong, or the bad stuff that happens on you. I also need us to be able to argue and know I won't find you bleeding to death, that I can be angry and you can give me the space to work it out and come back. I also need you to start dealing with shit, if you want this to work than deal with your fucking emotions don't just jump to the next one so fast that it gives me whiplash. Most of all I need to feel like your boyfriend, not the man who is saving you, who is some fucked up version of a knight in shining armor. I love you Punk but I need you to decided to love not only me but yourself." Okay so I laid it on the table and I can not read Punk's expression, he is very guarded an I hope I haven't pushed him to far.

"Okay Scott, I hear what you need, can I tell you what I need too?" I nod I want to understand what he needs. "I need you to not act like I'm fragile, you treat me like it and I tend to respond as if I am. I need you to be patient, because I am trying to fucking deal with my emotions, I just never seem to be able to focus on one long enough to do so. I need you to not fucking walk away when shit gets tough. Lastly I need you to be more open with me, your feelings may scare me, I may shy away, I may overreact but if you keep closed off then it doesn't give me a chance to recognize what I am doing and how things affect you. I love you and I know you are not Paul, but I'm still healing so don't expect me to just step right back into being the man you want, give me time." I hear him and I know he is hearing me, I have no clue where this is going to leave us but I hope somehow when everything is said and done we will be in a better place.

"I am pissed at you, I'm so angry that it is almost suffocating, no one has ever made me so mad, so scared, so hopeless as you did the other night. You said it was about freeing me Phil, you killing yourself in our bed, our home, is not about freeing me. If anything it would have been the end to me, do not justify your decision to end your own life as a way to let me go. I was angry I said somethings I shouldn't have but you slit your fucking wrist, you took the fucking easy way out. So don't ask for trust from me for a long time, and don't do shit like that if you don't want me to treat you like your fucking fragile" Ace puts a hand over my mouth and tells me enough. I feel like I could lay into Punk more but he is right that may not be the brightest idea so I keep my mouth shut and wait or a response.

"Okay so maybe I thought you would be happier without me, in my head I was freeing you, but maybe it was about freeing me. I love being with you, I feel safe with you, but I am living in hell right now. My mind never shuts up Colt, I am constantly doubting myself, questioning my decisions, and hearing him in my head. I can't shut it off, even when I am asleep he haunts my dreams. So I took the cowards way out, I wanted to shut him up, I wanted peace. Yes I reacted to your words, I was beaten, almost raped, and lost and needed you. When you walked away I gave into the darkness I have been fighting for so long. I'm fucking sorry, I would take it back if I could. I didn't do it to hurt you or anyone, I was trying to escape and in some ways punish myself. Be angry I can accept that just don't give up on me." Wow there is fire behind his words, animation on his face, and something in his eyes I haven't seen in a while. "I want to live, I do, I just think I need some help remembering how." I believe him, and some of my anxiety dissipates not all of it as we have two more hard subjects to brooch.

"I need to ask some you a few questions, one do you want to stay living here, two are you really going to therapy, and as of right now London is in jail, are you going to talk to the police and help them press charges or are you going to refuse?" He swallows hard and I See ace studying him also, he glances around the apartment taking it all in.

"I think we can make our own memories here, build a life, erase him from this place, from me in time. I think this could be a good home to us, but I also think anywhere we are together will be home. I am going to try therapy, I'm not sure I believe in it or that it will help but I agreed to try and they already sent out the referral. I need to get back to work though if I'm going to be paying for it, so we need to call gabe and get back to normal a little bit. As far as Paul goes, I know he is in jail and that they want my statement it's just not easy telling strangers what happened. I know he deserves to be punished for his behavior and from what the detective told me he is being charged whether I corporate or not, so can we just take it slow the trial won't be for a while and I'll see if I can testify then. Hopefully I'll be prepared to face him then." It is not a no which is what I was expecting, and I can understand the fear so I will just be hopeful that he will be ready when the time comes.

"Okay last thing I feel I need to say to you. Sex scares the hell out of you, So we will not be having it until I think you are ready. I know why you are pushing for it but we can be intimate in other ways. Hand-jobs, blow jobs, those seem not to scare you but the idea of full blown intercourse causes you to freeze up. He raped you Punk and it is not something you are going to get over by just jumping into bed with me, so it is okay for us to take it slowly. I am okay with not having sex Punk, I feel like just being with you is amazing and when the time comes we will be together and it will be mind blowing. Until then just enjoy us, don't rush, or push yourself, neither one of us will enjoy it if it is not right." Ace seems uncomfortable but to his credit he doesn't say something stupid, then again he has said very little. Punk glances at him and I guess he is wondering if Ace knew about the rape, Ace knows everything, he is Ace after all.

"Alight, taking it slow, and I promise I will be honest if I'm not ready. I guess it could be good to talk to the therapist about all of that. I hate that he is a factor in that part of our relationship but I guess its something I need to learn to deal with. It just makes me really sad that he took that from me. I'm not even sure sad is right, maybe its more grieving for what he took from me. See trying to deal with a feeling over here." I nod at him encouragingly hoping for more he seems frustrated but it disappears. "He had no fucking right Colt, none and I blame myself for not being strong enough to stop him, for giving into him. I wanted to deny it was even happening, and then I just never dealt with it. I gotta stop avoiding shit, it pisses me off that I do that. What he did forcing me, raping me, makes me feel so small, yet angry. I want to hit something, and at the same time I want to collapse into tears and just scream. I don't even know which feeling to give into." He blinks repeatedly and I can see the tears in his eyes, he is fighting it back and I shake my head, pulling him across ace into my lap. He snuggles tightly and Ace stands suddenly heading for the door. He glances at us and gives me an encouraging smile, this is a start, we both know it. He picks up the tote glancing inside he holds up a spatula and I shrug so I went over board a little. He shakes his head and walks out of the apartment and I just hold Punk. His body is shaking from the sobs over coming him. I don't try to use pretty words to sooth it away, I don't tell him its going to be alright because it may not be. Instead I just hold him letting the strength of our love be enough. Letting him feel, and being the strength he needs at the moment. In my mind I see that tightrope, the small thread we have been balancing on becoming thicker, it is not very big yet but for the first time I have hope that someday we will be steady and the tapestry beneath our feet will be woven and surround us with the many colors of our love.

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><p><strong>Okay so i wrote and deleted this chapter three times and i am still not sure I am satisfied with it. So thank you to those still reading this i would love to hear from you! If you like ColtPunk pairings you should go ready lamentomori work she blows mine out of the water. So go read her stuff!**

**Guest- i could never kill Punk! I did briefly think about it, but it would be like breaking my own heart! Here is a conversation, it may not be everything but it is not finished, Punk has his own question that needs answers soon!**

**littleone1389- Thank you for the review! I try to post this often, but life sometimes gets in the way. I am glad you are enjoying it and i would never kill Punkers!**

**lamentomori- your reviews are always amazing! Yes they are all idiots! I didn't mean to make the nice cleaning lady worry about you, or cause tears but I am glad you liked the chapter and it invoked emotions it was meant too! It was very much meant to be carried on angel wings! So don't worry reading just the right amount into this! Oh I got you to beg for a chapter awesome! Don't worry london will dash off a cliff soonish I think! If my muses work with me!**


	12. Crimson Snow

I find myself so lost and trying to put on a happy face, I don't want Colt to know how much I wish I had just died that night. How far my mind has fallen, he walked away from me and something broke, don't get me wrong I still very much love him but it feels different maybe like I'm waiting for him to leave. He never really explained it to me his words that day, giving up on me he apologized but never explained it. I desperately want to understand, but although he came back he walked away so why does he get to be angry at my actions. I agreed to all his crap conversation but the truth is I was just trying to appease him so he wouldn't leave me again. Okay some of the conversation made sense and I understood it but parts of it were just my attempt to make him happy. Sometimes I wish he could understand my mind easier I honestly don't have the words to explain to anyone how empty I feel, how much I long to be the person I used to be, strong enough to shrug off the abuse and just move on and be happy.

I am seeing the therapist but really she seems not to get me either, well she tries but I am not really talking to her much, must of the time we sit there and stare at each other, it's been a few weeks since we had the talk and at least Colt seems happier, he is buying into the mask I am wearing, maybe if I pretend to be happy long enough it will become a reality. We've gone back to work and the routine of it feels good and when I am in that ring, cutting promos, wrestling I feel more like myself then I have in months. It is easy to fall into the role of CM Punk, but the reality of Phil Brooks is very different at the moment. There are times I think about walking away from Colt, leaving him and just sinking into this despair that has become my mind. However at the end of the day I could never do it, never let go of his love, it is the only thing that is keeping me sane. I feel like I have gone to war and am standing on a bloody battle feel, gathering my armor in hopes that I can find the strength to fight again. Maybe I need to wave the white flag and accept help, but surrendering seems weak to me and I will not be weak. Though I cannot be strong so I wonder where that leaves me.

Colt thrives with the normalcy our life has fallen into, going out with friends, making a home out of our apartment, working, and having me not isolate though at times it is the only thing I long for. Everyone is supportive when I get tense, when I can't hide the fear, they try to distract me, they do the best to ignore it, and at times leave places because I cannot handle it. It is funny I hate this kind of doting, yet for now I find some comfort in it. My friends, my family supporting me, trying to help, and surrounding me with their love and at times I think that I could begin to heal. Yet his voice is always in the back of my mind, and before long I find myself breaking at the seams again. It is one of these occasions when I know my façade falls, when everyone sees the pain in my eyes.

We are out after a ROH show, it went great and I was actually feeling good about myself, I had the fans eating out of the palm of my hand. We decided to go out with the guys, Ace, Homicide, and Joe were all going out to celebrate something. I 'm not sure what but then again with these guys they could come up with any reason to celebrate. We hit up a local bar, and I stick close to colt's side like usual. The evening started out great and I sat there watching the people I care about get smashed and make a fool of themselves. As usual Homicide is his usual over affection, loving drunk, his arm is around my shoulder and he rambles on about how much he loves me and appreciates me. My body still has some bruises, the stitches are gone but I have some scars that are going to remain, my hoodie covers my wrist and in the ring the tape does a good job of hiding my defeat. D just rambles and I allow him to do this until he crosses a line and my mind snaps. He hits the bruise on my side, the faded ugly purple and yellow proof of Paul's latest assault, as soon as he does I find myself wincing and trying to slide away from him, He sees the pain cross my face, and his arm tightens around my shoulder, he is apologizing all over himself but I feel trapped. He is not doing anything wrong, but him not letting go is pushing me slowly off the cliff I cling too. Colt pries his fingers from my shoulder and pushes him away gently. I swallow hard pushing down the memories and try to regroup but D is persistent in apologizing and he crowds into my space, he is drunk and it is not occurring to him to get out of my space. In the past I would not have reacted to this, I would have laughed him off, and I honestly don't know what he knows, and what he has been told. But he throws his arm around me and goes to kiss my cheek and I lose it. No one has attempted this close contact with me beside Colt and even then I tense, D doing this is too much. I shove him away hard and scramble over Colt's lap. Searching for the nearest exit I am outside before anyone can stop me. I look up and down the street trying to find a hiding spot, D is going to be mad I pushed him and I know he is not Paul but my brain is not functioning. Before I can dash into the dark alley a strong hand grabs my elbow and I lash out without seeing who it is. Colt takes the brunt of my punch to his jaw, and I see this but it seems so far away and once again I feel outside myself. I wonder if this is normal, my mind and body seeming so separate, if it is part if the PTSD that the shrink told me I may have.

It doesn't matter my chest is heaving and I struggle to catch my breath, Ace has his arms tight around me and is leading me away from the crowded bar. I feel myself struggle, but somehow in my mind it is not Ace, it is Paul and I am pleading for him to let me go, begging him not to hurt me, telling him I am sorry and I will be good. Ace doesn't even respond he just lifts me up as I fight him and carries me down the street, when we get to the car he pulls me into the back seat. I fight him harder needing to be released, screaming and no one is saying a word as Colt drives us back to the motel we are staying at. The whole way I feel outside myself, pleading in my own head to calm down, telling myself it is Ace but my body doesn't listen to this rational. My body is panicked and I think I left my mind someplace else, the thing is I'm not in the car I'm in a place in the past where he raped me in a car, his car after a show because I botched a move. I needed to be punished and he drove to some parking lot and held me down and forced himself on me in the back seat.

That place is where my mind seems stuck and I can't help but fight and lash out, trying desperately to reassociate with reality. I bite down hard on Ace's arm, and I taste blood. I hear him swearing but in my head it is Paul's voice. His grip loosens enough however that I am able to scramble over the seat and huddle against the passenger side door in the front. I see Colt shake his head at Ace as I glance around wildly, somehow I know it is Colt, yet still the fear won't go away. "Give him a few minutes don't touch him" I hear this at a great distance and glance at Colt. O think he feels my eyes on him and he speaks gently. "It's okay Punk, you are okay, and you are safe." I want to believe him so I try my hardest to focus, to pull myself back together, the car has stopped and everyone slides from the vehicle besides Colt, he just sits beside of me talking softly, his voice somehow soothes the panic, but the worry in his eyes makes me feel worse. I breathe slowly, following his instructions and my grip on the door handle loosens.

"Key, give me the key" I whisper and he holds out the card that opens up our motel room. I grab it and scurry from the car needing a few moments to gather my wits. Everyone is right behind me and it takes me a few times to get the door open with my shaking hands. No one says a thing just waits for me to open it and I am thankful if they spoke I would probably lose it before I got into the room and away from them for a minute. As soon as the door opens I scramble for the bathroom, Colt blocks me briefly and I glance at him. Ace slides into the bathroom and then comes out nodding, nothing he can hurt himself with. Colt lets go of my arm and I am inside the bathroom, slamming the door I think about locking it but no one would be happy with that decision so I let that go. I scramble into the shower yanking the door shut hoping it will muffle the screams that now leave my mouth as I collapse into a mass huddle in the corner. My cries turn to sobs and I wrap my arms around my knees burying my face into them and just let the sobs overtake my body. I have no clue how long I am in the bathroom alone before I hear the door open, I glance thru the frosted glass and see Colt's sneakers and legs, he sits on the toilet not speaking just waiting for me to come to him and as soon as he closes that bathroom door I am out of the shower and a huddled mass in his arms. He strokes my back, my hair and whispers softly in my ear how much he loves me, how safe I am, and after a while I believe him, it's not quick but slowly reality complete returns to me. I pull my face from his neck wiping at it, sure I look a mess. I gently touch his jaw and he smiles, he has taken much harder punches from me but I still kiss it gently. "I'm sorry." He accepts my apology easily and I remember our conversation about letting him have his feelings so I decided this would be a good time to acknowledge them. "How are you feeling?"

He laughs and shakes his head at me running his fingers along my ear to tuck my hair behind it, I nip at his fingers in warning. "I feel several emotions now, angry and frustrated at London, I think I may want to kill him with my bare hands. Scared that this happened and how far away you seemed, afraid you may not come back if this keeps happening. Sad at how much you try to hide this from me until it implodes in our face, and relieved that I can help, and that you didn't hurt yourself." I think about this and I wonder if there is a time my mind leaves and t doesn't return, would I be forever trapped in this nightmare? It is not a nice idea so I push it away but wonder if I should ask my shrink if it can happen.

"I'm not trying to hide how I'm doing exactly, I'm just hoping if I force myself to be okay the eventually it will be real. I should apologize to D, I guess I'm not ready for anyone beside you, and when I'm in the ring to be that up in my personal space. Should probably apologize to Ace too, did I bite him?" Colt nods and wrinkles his nose.

"I would so not ever bite that, never know what he you could catch, after all he is a bit of a man whore." I give him a smile he is trying to lighten the mood so I allow him to do so. Sliding from his lap I trudge reluctantly from the safe haven of my little bathroom and into the dim lights of the bedroom. Everyone is sitting around and no one speaks as I exit Colt right behind me.

"Sorry" I state it is general but I am exhausted and if they don't accept it screw them, I'm too tired to care. I'll make up for it tomorrow, in the morning buy them coffee or something. I walk over to the bed I am sharing with Colt and collapse down on it closing my eyes, I feel hands pull my shoes off me and my socks, I open my eyes and watch as Ace tosses them in the corner. Ace I guess is another exception to my new space rule when I am in my right mind but then again I would trust this man with my very life. He sits me up and tugs off my hoodie and I glance down at my wrist going to hide it behind my back, I do not like the angry red wound to be exposed he just ignores me and tugs my t-shirt from my body. Colt sits down beside me and pulls the long sleeve shirt over my head and when the wound is hidden I feel less exposed. Ace takes a step back and Colt undoes my jeans tugging them off, I lift my hips and allow this. I see the bite on Ace's arm and grab it examine it, I broke the skin and took a chunk out of him. "I didn't know it was you, I'm so sorry." He pushes me back and slides the blankets over my body. He ruffles my hair and smirks.

"So now I sing you a lullaby right, ahhhhmeeenn" he clears his throat and I groan as he breaks into the worst version of hush little baby I ever heard. I cringe and cover my ears and a second later Colt slides into the bed with me throwing a pillow at Ace.

"Shut up before someone calls the front desk because they think someone is getting murder in here, you are so fucking tone deaf." I settle against Colt my finger wrapping in his shirt, resting my head on his chest I breathe him in and he strokes my hair. "Sleep Punk, it will be…" I wonder if he is going to say better in the morning because somehow I doubt it but he doesn't he adjust it "different in the morning." Not better but different and that I can agree too, so I close my eyes and pray I can sleep without Paul haunting my dreams.

That night I did dream but for a change it was not of Paul, there was no pain, just Colt. We are back in that room, a single light shines on us from below. The tightrope is different thought, instead of a thin black thread I see the streaks of blue and red laced in a woven rope. I look at Colt and I see him smile at me his hand out, I place my hand gently in his. I hear him whisper, his voice no longer silent here, "time has no meaning for us" I'm not sure his meaning but I slide closer my footing unsure but not as unsteady as it once had been. He lifts my wrist to his mouth, and I see the red drops drip, but as he kisses the skin the crimson fades, until I at last am not bleeding. I feel something on my skin, and I glance upwards, this place has no ceiling, just a cloudy sky with peaks on stars. Snow falls down upon us, and I watch as it hits our skin. The flakes are not all white though, some are the crimson that once seeped from me, others are black, and there is white. As they melt from the warmth of our skin it makes a fascinating design, streaks of black, red and white cover us. Colt cocks his head and reaches out he wipes at my arm and the cold I feel disappears, Warmth seeps into my core and the colors vanish as if never there, leaving behind the a glitter upon me. I reach out and place my hand on his arm, I watch as from my touch the black grows and I stumble backwards, the darkness grows over him and I grab him again trying to pull him away from the black. His skin is cold beneath mine, so I pull him closer kissing him gently and his smile spreads and the darkness stops, I cannot make it go away but I've stopped my poison from consuming him. His hands frame my face and his lips kiss my eyelids "sometimes we are too blind to see" I don't understand and I go to tell him this, but this time it is I who is silent. He steps around me his footing confident as he strides along this rope and I follow trying to keep up with him and not fall, he glances back at me and I freeze the snow falls again but only on me as he has put space between us and my darkness seeps from him. I reach out but the rope beneath me shakes and is slippery I glance down and see a hand around my ankle trying to drag me down. I feel myself start to fall again but Colt catches me and lifts me into his arms, now his steps even more confident as he carries me along this rope his footsteps the only one echoing in the silence.

I wake with a start, wondering if I have truly lost my mind, none of that made sense to me. Not a moment of it, Colt's words, the snow, the colors, it is so confusing and yet I cannot shake it from my mind. For there is one that sticks with me, the hand trying to drag me down into the darkness, it had tattoo's the word free along the knuckles, it was my hand trying to drag me down. Why would I be doing that to myself, why would my dream self think I was trying to destroy myself. I sit up and rub at my eyes exhausted trying not to over analyze but my mind is not shutting up, Colt's fingers tug at my shirt and I glance at him. His eyes search my face, he is used to me waking up screaming, not like this. So to reassure him I lean down and capture his lips with my own, the kiss is brief but seems to pacify him and he goes back to sleep, his gentle snores lead me back down to lie with him, and soon I am asleep and I don't dream of that tightrope again. I just allow Colt to carry me on our balancing act.

So it is a week later and I think I may actually be doing a little better, not great but a little bit and I think part of it is that Colt is sick. I awoke this morning drenched in sweat and feeling as if I hugged a furnace all night. I push Colt away gently and his eyes opened, my hand touches his skin and I cringe he is on fire, and a fever has set in. He seemed oddly tired last night and now I understand his desire to go to bed early. I slide from the bed pulling my shirt off to get the cooler air of the room to my body. I go to the bathroom turning on the cold water I let it run as I take care of my morning business, then I grab a cloth running it beneath the water. I return to Colt's side and set the cloth n his forehead. Colt's eyes open again and the moment he goes to speak I see the paleness set in, quickly I grab the trash can and he is leaning over heaving. I rub his back, and try not to let this ruin any romantic image I have of him. When he is finish I take care of the can bringing it back to him clean, I give him some juice and take his temperature. It is high and I decided to keep a close eye on it, I wonder to the bathroom trying to remember if it's Tylenol or ibuprofen that is a fever reducer. I finally call and ask Ace, who offers to come over but I decline. I think I like the idea of taking care of Colt for a change. After I get some Tylenol into him and a little bit of soup he clings back to me, apparently sick Colt wants to be held so despite the fact it is like being too close to a bonfire I allow him to wrap around me. I shake him from his sleep a few hours later and lead him to the bathroom, well more carry him. His temp has risen so I have a nice cool shower running, I strip him of the sweat soaked clothes and help him under the spray. The water on my arm as I hold him is almost painfully cold but he doesn't seem to notice if fact he turns it even colder. When I am sure he is steady enough on his feet I pull my arm away and shake the feeling back into it.

I towel him off when he leaves the shower pulling a pair of boxers on him, his skin a much more manageable temperature, I lead him out to the couch, getting some fluids and soup into him. He pulls that old quilt down on to him complaining that the apartment is cold and I should turn the heat up. I roll my eyes sitting down I place his head in my lap and turn on the TV, I settle in watching a documentary about buttons which I find fascinating, I'm sure Colt would hate it if he was awake and aware of what was on, he would be bored and call it mindless crap but still watch it with me. As the day goes on I keep an eye on him and force fluids into him. Hi temperature fluctuates and I force him into a few more cold showers before finally throwing my hands up in the air. Taking care of him is great but this is getting dangerous his temperature is too high so I force him into clothing and call Ace letting him know that I am taking colt to the emergency room. I drag him protesting from our home and into the car, by the time we get to the ER I think he may be delusional, he keeps muttering about a cat named Monkey, and a dog named Cat and the many adventures they go on. I get him inside and check him in as soon as we get to triage they get him into a room and I am left alone in the waiting room as they try to keep his temperature down, and determine what the hell is going on. I can see his room, and I feel panic swell when people begin to run in and out, I wonder if this is the right time to try smoking again, and I wonder if this helplessness is what colt felt.

Panic slowly sets in as time drags on, what if I waited too long to bring him in, what if he leaves me, how the hell would I live without him. Ace appears and sits with me as I stare at his door, and finally a doctor emerges, he doesn't call for Phil but Punk so I know Colt is awake I walk over and he tells me I can go in. I enter the room, Colt is hooked up to IV's but sitting up in his bed. "Are you okay?" He holds out his hand and I am grateful for the cool skin that I come into contact with.

"My temp is down, they are just running a few tests, blood work and shit to see why it went so high. Most likely just the flu, we will be able to get out of here soon." I release the breath I hadn't known I'd been holding. I sit down and wrap my arms around him, just the flu I think yet I can't help but wonder at the darkness seeping on his skin in my dream. Have I tainted him, is there something more going on? Is my love poison?

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><p><strong>Okay please excuse any mistakes I got a new laptop today and it has window's eight which I have discovered I hate! Thank you for reading and the reviews!<strong>

**MattKsE- Thank you for the review, I've always said i could write better TV then most of what is on now a days. I am glad you are able to stay strong, I work in the mental health field and have seen the hopelessness take over too many times with disastrous results. Thank you for the review. I'm still not happy with the chapter but everyone else seems to be so I guess it is good the way it is.**

**Guest (lamentomori) lol- I hate when fanfic logs me out and I don't catch it! I am afraid as of now Punk is living permanently on sand! I do see promise it is just going to take a while. I love that you get all of the little things and innuendos, you are not reading too much into it. Ace is def like the cofessional wall, he hears it all, takes it all, offers a buffer, but never gets to voice his thoughts. At least not fully the way he wants. It would be scary if I let Acemuse have free reign. I love that fave scenes is a thing now, hmm will have to make sure to put that in my future reviews I always have a fav scene of yours!**

**littleone1389- Thanks for the review, Punk I believe will eventually be okay but not sure if he is making true progress yet, I still think he is hiding himself too much, but we will see what the future brings!**


	13. My Confession

My Punkers is trying to put on a brave face but apparently seeing me in a hospital bed makes any attempt to hide the way he feels disappear. I wonder if I started asking him questions here like this would I get the truth for a change. I won't take advantage of this situation, though it would be nice to see him being real for a moment. I know how much he is hiding but according to the research I've been doing it is not unusual for victims of abuse to hide their feelings, in fact it is very common when previously feelings get the shit kicked out of them. So I don't push it, I honestly try not to push him on anything. This is a process and it is going to take time I just have to take the little victories and deal with the setbacks. Amazingly the night at the bar with the guys after the show I consider a victory, the mask fell and his pain though raw was expressed instead of pushed down. I know D was upset be the whole thing but really he did nothing wrong and Punk expressed that the next day by getting him coffee and giving him a quick hug with a quiet loves you too D. He tried to give ace coffee but Ace wasn't upset or offended just grateful that he could help Punk. Somehow in all of this Ace has become our biggest ally and I am sure there are times when he gets an earful from both of us on the same thing from two very different perspectives. He never makes either of us feel bad, he just lets us vent and offers his words of wisdom. I'm thankful for him every day because I question where both of our sanities would be without him.

Punk tenses when the doctor returns ordering more blood work and some other tests, I don't really pay attention I've been through it all before, I know what is wrong, they know what is wrong, the only one who doesn't is Punk. Hell in my confessions to ace I told him about my situation once, I had been diagnosed with CML a few years ago when I first learned I had Leukemia I thought it was a death sentence luckily for me it is not as of now I am in remission thanks to medication called Imatinib I can live a long life, I have to be monitored and make sure to remember my medication and there is a chance it could fail in the future and we would look at alternative treatments such as a bone marrow transplant but for now I am good. I would like to tell Punk about it but when he is stronger, this would throw him for a loop and somehow he would blame himself for my disease and would not here a word I said after leukemia. In all honesty I probably have forgotten to take my medication more then I should lately, everything that is happening I just have more on my mind then remembering a pill twice a day. I'm not about to admit that, lord knows my parents would kill me if they heard that. So I let the doctor in on it and he'll run test but everything should be fine. Though because of the disease and medications my immune system is a little more compromised and when I get the flu, it hits hard and I have a harder time fighting it off. Normally I make sure not to get too run down, to take care of myself, and eat right but the last few months I've neglected my own health and right there is a perfect example of why punk would blame himself.

I've asked that they don't mention it in front of Punk, to discuss results with me only in the room. Yet it all back fires on me when my mother storms in the room demanding to know what is going on, and if I am relapsing, have I been taking my medication, and what my white blood cell count is. "We don't play with leukemia Scott it's not a game, it is your life!" If I could only shut her up for a second I could talk to Punk, who is pale and panicking, his green eyes wide as he looks at me. I'm fine I mouth, he seems to be taking my mother's words in processing them slowly and I know I'm going to get a reaction soon. So I glare at my mother and take a deep breath I have been taught to never raise my voice to my parents or be rude but I need her to leave the room so I can calm the ever increasing panic on Punk's face.

"Mom shut up please, and get the hell out!" I state this as loudly as I dare too as we are in an emergency room and yelling is probably not allowed. At least my tone seems to stop her tirade and she gives me a look.

"Scott Colton you do not raise your voice to me!" I roll my eyes and gesture to the door.

"Get out mom you've fucked up my evening enough now I have to explain to Punk things he didn't know before you came flying in here." She glances at Punk and an expression passes over her face and she gives me a stern look.

"You hadn't told him, you live with him, you love him and you haven't told him? He needs to know this stuff, what would happen if you got really sick, he wouldn't know to bring you here. You can't keep something like this from your partner Scott I thought I taught you better than that." She is not pulling any punches and she is right, Ace kind of told me the same thing but I didn't listen.

"I got sick and he brought me here, he didn't let me lay there and die mom so stop being so dramatic, I appreciate your concern but I need to talk to Punk now." Punk is glancing between the two of us worry on his face but the panic seeks to have subsided, "Punk I'm honestly okay, I'm in remission I can live a long healthy life just let me explain." He glares daggers at me and then stands walking over to my mother who hasn't left in fact is studying my chart.

"Mrs. Colton can you tell me what is going on, he will either downplay it or not be honest with me and I want the truth." She puts my chart down gives me a stern look and takes him gently by the arm.

"How many times have I told you to call me mom Phil, you are practically my son-in-law so none of that Mrs. Colton stuff. Let's go grab some dinner I'm sure you must be hungry and the cafeteria food here, well it leaves something to be desired but it is edible. It's my treat dear and I'll explain what my son here seems to have left unsaid." Punk glances back at me but goes with my mother, both of them betraying me, I may down play it but she is going to make it so much bigger then it is. Ace enters the room a smile on his face and flops in the seat once taken by Punk.

"He is getting better." I glance over at Ace having no clue what he means. "Punk is getting better, he didn't run from the room when your mother entered obviously agitated and quite loud. I was waiting to have to chase after him, and then he allowed her to touch him, drag him off for dinner. He didn't say he wasn't hungry or too fat. He is improving it is hard to see sometimes but it is there. So maybe just maybe you should let go of this tight grip you have on him and just relax and take care of yourself. Oh and try not to get frustrated because Colt he is so about to smother you." I take several deep breaths I know the wisdom behind Ace's words and I am happy someone else is seeing the recovery as slow as it may be. But I don't like the idea of Punk taking care of me, I mean I do but I don't Punk needs to focus on himself, and if he is focused on me it just gives him an excuse to not get better.

"My mother is obnoxious she is probably doing damage as we speak, This is nothing I got the flu, it is hard for my body to fight it off, they will run some tests and I'll be released it is not like I'm dying, in fact I take care of myself better than most people because I am aware of the consequences of not doing so." He studies me closely and I squirm a little bit.

"Your mother is a very sweet women, who loves her son-in-law, I think at times more then you but I have a theory behind that. She will be careful with how she explains it to Punk, honest but gentle, she knows what is going on and like the rest of us will make sure she doesn't scare him or have him think somehow this is his fault. Cabana you are a terrible liar, I think lately you've been so focused on Punk that you haven't been taking care of yourself. So do better because you can't help Punk and be his white night if you are in the hospital or having a relapse. Want to hear my theory on why your mother loves Punk more then you at times, oh and why I think you are jealous of that?" What I really want is for him to go away, I want out of this bed so I can go find Punk and we can go home. What I really, really want is for ace to stop being so god damn insightful.

"No I really don't but you are going to tell me so go ahead." He smiles and settles into the chair more and I wonder how long this theory of his is.

"It is rather simple, you are strong, you go thru stuff and come out relatively unscathed, no one could do to you what London has done to Punk because you have an amazing support system that built up your self-esteem and taught you to always stand up for yourself. So your mother knows that at the end of the day you will be alright. Punk on the other hand is like a bird with a broken wing, unable to escape, frightened, and desperate to fly. He is screaming to her maternal side, she knows about his child hood, his parents, and knows that he needs love and support and that he will fight her on it. Still she wants to take care of him. It drives you crazy, you keep the jealousy in check because even if you don't like it, you know she is right and he needs a mother figure so you share yours. Yet at times like this when you are scared, because you are, you really wished she had stayed here with you and taken care of her baby boy not stolen your for all intents and purposes husband and wandered off with him. I could also compare you to a cat and a dog, you are the cat independent, I rule the world, content, and willing to dig your claws in whenever you feel like it. Punk is the dog, wanting to please his master, but cowering in the corner when a hand is raised, however I do believe that if he is backed into the corner one too many times he is going to attack. If I was the cat I would try to prevent the dog from killing somebody when he finally breaks." Is he done I wonder, could he be any more long winded, and obnoxiously right. I would respond but really why bother he knows he is right and I know he is right hell the world knows he is always fucking right.

We sit in silence until the door in the room opens, Punk enters carrying a tray. He pulls over the little table and sits it in front of me. A smile crosses my face, pudding, a milkshake, and what looks like lime Jell-O are all there for me. All my go to snacks when I am stuck in the hospital not feeling well and obviously picked out by my mom. Did I mention I love that lady I look around for her as Punk just sits himself into Ace's lap, moving his arms so he can be comfortable. "She'll be in shortly, she is talking with your doctor. Apparently your white blood cell count is elevated and they have some concerns but the doctor thinks it is just from the flu and will most likely run your blood one more time before they discharge you. If your temperature gets too high I have to bring you back in." He snuggles his head onto Ace's shoulder and looks at me with tired eyes. "You could have told me."

"I didn't want you to worry, or change your mind about being with me. I'm in remission I could live a very long and happy life. You know this is not your fault right?" He reaches over and slaps my arm lightly and I almost drop the mouth full of chocolate heaven heading for my lips.

"I've never seen you take medication, I live with you, you hover of me twenty four hours a day and I've never seen you take it, I've never seen it in the apartment. So tell me are you too busy taking care of me too take care of yourself because if that is the case I'll move out." I almost choke on the pudding at those words but he is not done so I set the dish down and wait. "Also why would this make me change my mind about being with you, so you have leukemia, big deal! Doesn't change the fact that I love you, for a life time, and beyond that, no matter if one of us dies tomorrow or fifty years from now I love you." He seems done so I speak and try not to be untruthful to him.

"The pills are hidden from you, they are in my shaving kit, and I do go to the bathroom by myself sometimes. I'm sorry I didn't tell you but I guess the idea of anyone wanting a guy who could get sick and die tomorrow didn't cross my mind. You're not moving out, and although I have missed a few doses of my medication it was not your fault but mine and I will be better about it." He reaches over and takes my hand a sad smile on his lips.

"We apparently like to threaten to move out of the apartment when one of us is in the hospital only difference is my threat is because I love you too much, yours you never explained to me but somehow tough love at that moment seemed selfish. Wouldn't mind an explanation someday." He shrugs but there is a hardness in his eyes so I decided to give him what he wants but as I go to speak my mom returns and I will not discuss this with her present he seems to know this and stands. "I'm going to go buy some cigarettes and take up smoking be back in a bit." I glance at Ace who follows Punk rolling his eyes.

"You don't smoke Punk and you are not starting under my watch, isn't nicotine a drug, mister drug free?" I can't catch all of Punk's response but as they head up the hallway I can hear the banter between the two at a distance and it feels familiar and comforting. My mother takes up the vacant chair and holds my hand. We make small talk until the doctor returns, my results are inconclusive and I need to see the specialist, they arranged an appointment for Monday and I nod. They increase my medication a little and I am discharged, I follow my mother to the waiting room and see Ace and Punk laughing, I stand back and watch the humor cross Punk's face it's so normal, yet I know underneath he is anything but normal. When I approach he stands and hugs me tightly and I take a small whiff of his skin relief at the lack of smoke clinging to him. My mother departs and Ace and Punk take me home, I am soon tucked in on the couch again my head in Punk's lap but at least I'm a little more coherent and Ace has found a movie for us to watch.

We are an hour into the movie when I ask what I have been wondering, "Would you really move out?" Punk sighs and looks down at me stroking his fingers thru my short hair.

"Yes if I thought that was best for you, I wouldn't want to, but I would if it met you focused on yourself." I don't like it but I accept it. "Would you really leave me?" Ahh back to my moment, my small overreaction, which I apparently need to help him understand.

"No but I would try if I thought it was best for you, I would let you go and hope that you would come back. That day it seemed I was doing more harm than good, my dad was sick, you let London into our home. It was too much to process I didn't do it to hurt you, looking back it was stupid I know, but in the moment alls I could see was that you were in a hospital bed and you let him in. All my protection, all my love didn't seem like enough. As soon as I left the room I knew I made a mistake but I had to deal with my dad and didn't think you were going anywhere, I'm sorry I didn't rush back in and take it back the moment I said it." He seems to be thinking and again the sad smile crosses his mouth.

"I hurt you by letting him into our home, I made it seem like I chose him over you. I didn't I told him to leave, to move on, that I was happy with someone else. You didn't know that though, so you hurt me back and the reason you didn't come rushing back into the room was because you didn't want to fix it that quickly, you wanted me to suffer, get a taste of my own medicine. I get it hell, in some sick way it makes sense, but then again I'm not in my right mind so who am I to say what makes sense."

"Don't put words into my mouth Punkers, I didn't want you to suffer, I was angry and needed to cool off. Normal couples get angry and you know that, they take time before saying something else that could do more damage. I'm sorry he hurt you, but I am not him, I will not be him and never want to see you suffer. When you are able to see past him, and truly see me then I think we will both be a lot happier. I was angry because you didn't fight back, okay happy, he had scratches on his hand and that was it. He beat the shit out of you in our home and you didn't fight back." His eyes are wide and then he is pushing my head from his lap.

"I did fight back, I struggled, I hit him, and I fought to get to the damn alarm panel. Opening the door was a mistake and stupid but I fought back Colt harder than I ever had. For you I fought back." I study him this conversation is getting way too intense and he is staring at the floor by our doorway.

"I wish you would fight back for you not me, fight for yourself. Punk come back here I want to cuddle lets watch the movie." I see him wipe at his eyes and hate that I made him cry, I go to stand groaning at the dizziness but it got him away from our door. He is forcing me back down, tucking the blankets around me and tucking a pillow under my head. I frown wanting it to him not a damn pillow, he instead settles in front of the couch on the floor his back to me creating some distance. Ace glances at me and I shrug the truth hurts but he will get over this and we will move on at least I hope so. Besides I'm sick and no one is allowed to take a sick man's words seriously.

When the movie is over he stands and disappears down to the bathroom, a few minutes later he returns, his shoes are on, so is his coat. Car keys dangle from his fingers and he is getting off the phone with someone. At least he doesn't have luggage so he can't be leaving me. I watch him with worried eyes, he places my medication on the coffee table. "Keep an eye on him and make sure he takes this I could be out late, maybe the rest of the night." Okay now I am confused and worried it is almost one am where the hell is he going. "I'm going down to the police station, just got off the phone a detective is waiting to take my statement. I'll be back later" he leans down and kisses me briefly and goes to walk towards the door I reach out and catch his arm.

"I'll come with you" I state going to get up. He pushes me back down again and shakes his head no.

"I need to do this by myself Colt, I love you but I need to do this without you." I don't like it but I let him go and as he leaves the apartment I can see his hands shake slightly. As soon as he is out the door I go to stand, and ace is the one pushing me back down.

"Already texted Hero and Chez they are both heading to the police station to keep an eye on him. Remember he has a support system, it is not just you and when he allows it me. He has a family and you don't have to do it alone." I nod and still force my way to my feet, not going for the door but heading to our bathroom. I don't know why but I am suspicious of this sudden decision, this change of Punk's." I see nothing out of place here so I walk into our bedroom, I scan the room and notice the closet door is ajar. Walking over I open it looking around and what I spot makes my heart sink. The lock box lays open on the closet floor, the one I put the gun in Ace gave me. One that I didn't thin Punk knew about or how to get into, yet the cheap metal is open and the gun is missing.

I yank on some clothes and race for the door Ace steps in my way and I growl. "Move he is not going to the police, if he called at all it was to see if London was out on bail." Ace frowns but gives me a nod confirming that the man is indeed out of jail. "Punk has a gone and I think he may be going to prove to me that he can fight for himself. Move Ace we gotta go stop him." Ace is suddenly beside me and out the door and as we raced down the steps I see that tightrope again in my mind. The threads are breaking beneath our feet, the little tapestry that had started disappearing. Punk is walking away from me and I chase after him, yet every time I reach him he slips through my fingers. My lungs are burning and the space seems to be closing in but I chase him on a never ending rope, he finally turns back towards me as I try to stay on my feet exhausted, I know I must gasp because he is covered in blood, the crimson shines stark against his white clothing, yet when I get close and check him for injuries there are none, he is unscathed and I wonder whose blood in upon his skin.

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><p><strong>Than you are the wonderful people reading this story. Please remember to voice your opinion!<strong>

**littleone1389- Punk's mind is a jumble mess that I am still trying to work my way through, the idea that he thinks he is tainting Colt with his love is sad and troublesome. Hopefully he figures it all out soon! Thank you for the review.**

**lamentomori- Have I mention how much I love your reviews! If not well I do! Your inkling is right on Punk's mind is nowhere near healed and I am afraid my punkmuse goes to extreme's, you are not horrible for wanting to put the flashback scene as a fav, it was actually the easiest part of the chapter to write so if your horrible then I am too. The shower was meant to be scene as a panic room of sorts so nope not reading too much into this. Your insight on the dream was amazing exactly how I pictured it the contrast between like and dark, the cleansing versus the tainting you are on point. Colt well he took me into left field with this chapter but I think I like the direction it is going. I am actually largely unsatisfied with this chapter, but then again I've been unsatisfied with the last few and people seem to like them so maybe I am just being too critical.**


	14. Warrior

I sit in a coffee shop a few minutes' walk from Paul's apartment, in reality my apartment my name is on the lease. When we first moved in together the run down place was all we could afford. We lived together for almost a year, if living is what you would call what I was doing. Existing is more like it, hiding, and pretending that I was okay. I'm not okay and I can finally face it, nothing he ever did to me was okay or acceptable. Yet I rationalized with myself that it was love, and not his fault. I knew Paul had been abused growing up so I always blamed his abuser never him, because if it was someone else fault, if it wasn't Paul's then it met he still loved me and it was okay for me to love him back. It was during this time when I pushed away everyone and focused on Paul, when I allowed him to control my world and everything in it that Colt initially got sick according to his mother. I would have known about Colt and not been so blindsided tonight if it wasn't for Paul. There are so many things I am angry at him for but this by far seems to be making my blood boil. Colt being scared, afraid, waiting for the test results and me not being there, I should have been by his side offering reassurances, doing what I could to make him feel better instead I was hiding in fucking closets and hoping that Paul was in a good mood. No more though I refuse to be his victim any longer. This is his fault and he needs to pay, he is a criminal and deserves to be punished but I have no desire to go through a trial where I put everything he did to me in the hands of twelve people I have never seen before. I will not allow him to make me the victim again by taking the stand, by being forced to relive everything he did to me. My mind does it enough on its own without help from others. So now I am going to do what I should have done so long ago and make Paul understand that I am not weak, or afraid of him any longer. I just haven't figured out how to do it.

The weight of the gun in my hoodie pocket is heavy, but part of me thinks that would be too easy of an out for him. I know Colt will discover before too long that I am not where I said I was going, so I shouldn't be sitting here trying to make up my mind I should be acting. Yet I cannot bring myself to walk the last little bit to a place that was never my home but my prison. He deserves to understand the fear I lived with for so long but I am not sure I could ever truly make anyone understand. So instead of going to the apartment I head back to my car parked a few streets up and think about my next step. Footsteps behind me catch my attention and I turn glancing back into the night. My hand slides into my pocket gripping the gun, I haven't really ever shot one and hope if I need to use it that all I do is pull the trigger. When the footsteps get closer I press myself into the darkness the side of the building provides and just as I feel ready to run the person appears out of the darkness and I gasp air having not known I was holding my breath. The man trudges by me not even sparing a glance my way and I lean hard against the building waiting for my beating heart to stop before walking the rest of the way to my car.

I slide into the seat pressing my head against the steering wheel, what the fuck am I doing I wonder. I should just drive home or to the police and do what I told Colt I was going to do. Yet I can make myself start the car I can't leave. My phone is almost vibrating nonstop in my pocket and at this point it is pissing me off and distracting me from thinking through what I need to do. I pull it out and glance at the screen, Colt, of course he has already figured out my lie. When the phone stops vibrating I see that I have a large number of missed calls from Colt, Ace, Chez, and Hero. Several messages are on the screen also. A thought occurs to me as I scroll through all those messages that if I can't find the strength to go to Paul, I could easily get him to come to me. I of course don't have his number in my phone but I know it by heart so I type it into the keypad and allow my finger to hover over the send button.

I try to think of a place to meet him, a place where I could get what I wanted and not get caught. It all comes to me so easily then, no one is at Ace's or my apartment, the guards would not let him into my building but ace's building doesn't have security and the key on my chain will allow me entrance. So I start my car and head to his house, no one will be there they are all out looking for me. I park by his building and make my way there, letting myself into the building I climb the steps until I get to his floor, then using my key I allow myself to enter the apartment. This place is kind of turned into a crash pad for any wrestles passing through so I do a quick sweep to check none are currently here. Once I am sure I am alone I sit down on ace's couch and think long and hard about my plan of action. Somewhere a rational part of my brain tells me this is crazy, that I need to just call Colt and head home. We could snuggle and watch pointless TV, but Colt thinks I am broken, that there is no fight left in me and maybe in some ways he's right. That's why I need to do this prove to myself, to him that I can stand of for myself that Paul didn't take everything from me. Minutes tick by and I stare at the phone that still won't stop, I stare and wonder what the tightrope from my dream looks like now, if I call Paul will that be the thing to break those fragile threads, finally send Colt and I plummeting to our demise?

I pull the gun from my pocket and place it on the coffee table beside my phone. I glance at my wrists and then the gun, it would be so easy, put it to my head and pull the trigger bet you Colt couldn't save me this time. I reach out and my fingers trace the metal, so easy, so fucking easy to just give in, to let Paul just win. There is that weakness in me again, what everyone keeps telling me I need to overcome, to fight against, and I try, it seems like I never stop trying. I don't love myself, I don't stand up for myself, I wonder what else could be so wrong with me that they don't say to my face. Does everyone find me to be just a pathetic human, a waste of space, why do they all stick around if I am so god damn miserable? I pick the gun up studying it wondering if it is even loaded, maybe I should find out by putting it to my head and giving the trigger a squeeze. After all if I call Paul and it's not loaded I'm dead aren't I, this seems like a game of Russian roulette to me and no matter how you look at it I come out the loser. Unless I put the gun down call Colt and tell him where I am. He would come and take me home, he would make everything better. Ace would be there to help him, and maybe in the morning it would all be different like Colt says, it maybe even could be better. Perhaps maybe if I took a chance and bowed out of the game I for once could win, maybe it is time to stop blowing up bridges while I'm still standing on them and just allow people to love me while I take the time I need to heal. Maybe I even need to get of this town, escape the damn memories, and start fresh find a new place with Colt that can be just ours.

Would it be so hard to just let it all go? Let the anxiety, the worry, the self-doubt, the pain, the depression leave and just look forward to the future Colt talks to me about. A future the two of us happy and loved and no longer dancing on a tight rope but swinging on a hammock of our love. Could it really be that easy I wonder, take my own life, take his, or just start over, could it all be this easy. A simple decision and an obvious one that maybe I have been too blind to consider. I could have a future, a life, it would take time and therapy, but it could be mine, it is all at my fingertips waiting for me to grab on and not give up. My death isn't an option I can see that clearly now, at least not over Paul, I am met to die with Colt sixty years from now as he holds me in old age. Paul's death is becoming less of an option, if I killed him and got caught I could go to prison for a long time away from Colt, away from a future for the first time I think I can honestly see. Testifying, making him pay, would that really make me a victim, or for once would it make me stronger, take back the power he stole from me. It wouldn't be easy, but nothing in my life has ever been easy, accept for loving Colt that has always come natural from the moment we met and I saw him in the Doug Collins basketball shirt, _Who are you? I'm Punk, who are you? Umm I'm Scott, Oh._ Our first conversation, stupid but the start of everything, when he though I was the dirty kid from an alley in the south side of Chicago who got hot chicks, and I though he was a spoiled kid who only owned one damn shirt. In the moment we clicked and yet somehow we got here, too bad I just didn't shove my tongue down his throat the first day, back when I hid my sexuality, maybe if I had acted on my attraction to him then we never would have come to this place. A place where I am sitting in my mentor's apartment with a gun and wondering why I can't seem to just make up my fucking mind.

I hear voices in the hallway coming towards the door, I listen intently Hero and Joe I think maybe Chez are heading in here and I think maybe I should just go to one of the bedrooms and hide. I hear Joe talking and I think he must be on the phone "We are looking for him Colt, Hero thought he may come to Ace's I get you think he is after Paul but you've been outside Paul's place for an hour now and Punk hasn't appeared so we are now checking other places. I'll call you if we find him" his voce trails off when I hear the door to the apartment open. "He's here Colt, get the fuck here now" I blink but don't even acknowledge that they have entered the room. Chez is approaching and she is doing so as if she's approaching a rabid dog, one ready to strike. I wonder if I look that crazy, the girl at the coffee shop did seem startled by my appearance do I look that out of it. She sits gently beside of me and I see her hand reach for the gun. "Don't touch that" I snap and she pulls her hand back as if I had bitten her. "I haven't made my decision yet" I state softer.

"Punk honey I don't think you having a gun is good right now, so please just let me give it to Joe and he will go put it away." I shake my head no and pick the gun up form the table cradling it in my lap. No one was taking this until I knew for sure I didn't need it. "Punk talk to me, let me help. Come on, what good are sisters if you can't confide in them." I glance over at her and she gives me a smile, she has always been there for me, she an amazing person and deserves better then me snapping at her. So I decided talking a little bit to her can't be that bad, she's a good listener so I stare straight ahead and take a breath.

"I want him dead, I want him to suffer Chez, and yet I know that is not a solution. The things he did to me, the things he allowed others to do to me. He needs to suffer, and I want to be the one to make him suffer. He hurt me so much, it ways I can't even tell Colt. He'd never look at me the same if he knew what I did, what he made me do. I just want him memory out of my head, I need this all to end and I thought maybe I could do it by killing him, but I can't kill someone Chez it's not in me. Just another weakness, another part of me that is pathetic." She touches my arm gently, and I glance over at her. I'm not really seeing anyone else in the room, its just her and she is listening, just listening and for a change someone isn't reacting or asking questions, her eyes are calm as I speak, and her touch soothing. "He beat me, and tortured me, he raped me, but that's just part of what he did. That's not even the worst of it, when I started working less because I couldn't go to a show without him we struggled for money. The things he made me do Chez, the things I did to avoid him hurting me, he sold me Chez, sold me to his friends, strangers, it didn't matter he sold my body and I let him. I was too broken to stop it, too afraid, and if I did the things we would do to me were so much worse then letting somebody fuck me. Colt shouldn't love me, no one should, I'm dirty, and I'm nothing more than a whore Chez. He loves me though and I love him so much in return and he tells me we are going to have a great happy future, how? I need to know how that is going to happen. How I am going to move on with my life, what happens if I go to the WWE and get on TV and it comes out that I was a prostitute? What if I testify against him and his lawyer brings it all up. What if it gets brought up that I did drugs with him Chez?" I hear a reaction from her a sharp intake of breath and I feel her hand squeeze my arm.

"I didn't want to do them, he would force me to, slip it into my drink or hold a knife to my neck until I did them. IT was all stuff to make me want him, or however he was giving me to for the night. All things to make me participate in his sick games, and towards the end I wanted them, it made it so much easier to just do what he wanted. Yet I keep telling myself I loved him, that he didn't mean it, it wasn't his fault because if I look at it clearly, the person I trusted as my friend, my lover, was my abuser, my rapist, my pimp, and my drug if I look at it then I have to face that I am his victim, and have to deal with pain, and it's overwhelming. Chez if I look at it, then I have to face the fact I stayed when I could have left, that the person I am now is partially my fault. That I believed and trusted him, I TRUSTED HIM AND HE WOULDN"T STOP, SON OF A FUCKING BUTCH! WHY? WHY CHEZ, WHY!" I'm screaming and my lungs are burning and I feel like I have run ten miles in the last few minutes, yet I haven't moved off the couch, her hand is still on my arm she is still not speaking just letting me get it all out, and maybe because she doesn't have an answer to my question. I lean forward clutching the gun closer to my chest and trying to stop what I think may be a panic attack, but now that I've started talking the words keep tumbling from my lips.

"I think part of my stayed to try to fix it, because if I could fix it, fix Paul then it would be okay, it would mean that everything I went thru there was a reason, but I can't fix can I. I can't make this fucking better. What the hell am I going to do Chez how do I live with this, how do I even breath thru this, because I can't breathe. I feel like I'm drowning, choking, falling and the only thing that keeps me hanging on is Colt. I want to die, I so desperately want to die, yet I want a future with him but how can he love me if he knows everything. How do I even tell him everything, I'm clinging to Colt so hard to hang on but that is not fucking fair to him, he is so busy taking care of me he is neglecting himself. I can't even fucking take care of myself so how the fuck do I take care of him. How do I love myself again Chez, how do I love myself so I can love Colt the right way and stop being so fucking selfish. I should end it Chez I really should but I'm not strong enough to leave Colt behind. I am everything Paul ever excused me off, everything that repeats in my head every day and I should just end it all and let go of him." I see the gun again in my hand and an almost calm come overs me, I could end it all. I could do it right here, the nightmares, the flashbacks everything would stop. I could just sleep and never have to wake up again, it probably wouldn't even hurt that much. It would be quick and then it would all be over, easier than cutting my wrists.

I want to raise the gun but strong arms are now wrapped around me and the hands are attempting to pry the gun from my fingers, a voice so far away in my mind is telling me to let go but I can't, that would be a mistake so I cling to the gun trying not to let the other hands win, I struggle trying to bring the gun up to my head, trying to get it to the point where I could pull the trigger. The arms struggle me and suddenly more arms struggle against me, hands pull at my arms and I feel my panic rise so many people are touching me. I'm trying to jerk away from the hands at the same time I raise the gun, but my panic is causing my hand to shake and the finger against the trigger is also, and before I can even process it my ears are ringing from the blast, and I let go to slam my hands over my ears. Some of the hands leave as the gun is released, but my eyes are trained on to the person to my left, the person with a blooming red circle on his shoulder that is getting larger under the hand that is pressed against it. I reach out to him, "Ace, Ace?" I whisper and my fingers touch his shoulder and I can't breathe I just shot one of my best friends and if Ace if here Colt is here and what did he hear, I just shot my best friend, I think I may be sick. Hands pull me over the back of the couch and I am trapped in very strong arms, Colt's I can tell by the smell, I struggle against him, wanting to run but he won't let go. He will never just let me go.

Out tightrope is so fragile it is taunt to the breaking point under the pressure of our weight, Colt clings to me, holding on tightly as it sways and I wonder if it would be so terrible if we both just let go and fell, after all maybe the landing will be softer than trying to balance. After all maybe we've been up here so long it has us trapped, and by letting go we can finally find a safe place to fall.

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><p><strong>Okay this is so not what I had planned for this chapter it kind of just poured out as I wrote, so I hope you like it. Please review!<strong>

**littleone1389- Punk I don't think is really handling anything well, though on the surface he took Colt's illness better I think underneath he was in emotional turmoil. Punk being Punk is running in a way at the end of the last chapter, he is hiding and running. Thank you for the review hope you enjoyed the chapter.**

**lamentomori- I am so glad you are enjoying the ride, I wonder if this scenario played out like any of your four ideas lol. Ace being the one shot was always the plan, however I thought it would be more in a confrontation with Paul, the way my Punkmuse twisted it I think I like it better, because for a change he is being honest, not intentionally with Colt but honest just the same. I see Punk's breakdown as a little victory the same way Colt does, he needs to feel, and I think he also feels a helluva lot in this chapter, while writing it I even teared up and rarely does my Punkmuse get me to tear up when I write. Colt I believe wants the long happy life, and is trying to convince himself of both that Punk won't watch him die, and Punk won't leave him, that they are truly in the long run both fine.**


	15. Better than Me

I look at Ace panicked, there is a lot of fucking blood, Joe is applying pressure but we need to call for help. Punk is struggling in my arms, and I'm almost positive he doesn't know it is me. I hope he doesn't otherwise he is really struggling to get away from me. I have no fucking clue what to do, Punk just shot Ace, and he could go to jail for this I know it was unintentional but it still happened and who is going to believe he shot him by pure accident. Ace and I arrived not to long after we learned he was at Ace's place, I heard more than I could ever imagine and things are a lot clearer in my mind, yet I have no clue how to process what I've heard today. It is going to take me a minute to put everything he confessed to in perspective, however he is crazy if he thinks that is enough to make me stop loving him. I hear Hero on the phone and am very thankful that someone is calling for help, myself I'll just sit here and try to prevent Punk from escaping, he just tried to kill himself again but in all honesty I don't think he was even processing his own actions. Ace is speaking and I catch my name and glance over "Colt take him and go home, get the hell out of here, no one is going to say a word that he was here. As far as everyone is concerned I was cleaning the damn gun and it went off. Take Hero and get him out of here now before anyone gets here." I nod and stand Hero helps me try to get Punk under control, I don't know how it is even possible for anyone to believe that lie it seems like an odd injury but we will go with it until we need a different story.

Punk struggles against me and he needs to stop if Chris and I are going to successfully get him out of the apartment and back home. I'm not even sure I should part of me thinks I should take him to the nearest hospital and have him admitted to a fucking psych hospital. He is losing it and I have no clue if I am going to be able to pull him back from the brink this time. I grab his chin and force him to look at me "Punk stop fucking fighting me, we need to leave now!" I say this as firmly as I can and I see a flash of recognition in his eyes. His struggles lessen and I pull him up to his feet, he is still not with me fully but it is enough for him to look over at Ace. His eyes are filled with fear and worry as he takes in the blood and I try to usher him to the door. He resist and tries to get by me to Ace "We need to leave no Punk." He shakes his head no and I put my weight behind it and push him towards the door.

"Ace I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I am so sorry." Ace glances at Punk with pain filled eyes and nods his head slowly.

"I know Punk, I know just go, everything is going to be alright just get the hell out of here. As soon as they patch me up I will come by the apartment and see you. It is not that bad I promise, went right through just need some stitches. It is not your fault we shouldn't have grabbed at you like that. Go home kid, I love you, go home." Pun lets me finally lead him from the apartment, I hold him in my arms as I finally get him outside. His car is parked nearby so I just usher him into the passenger seat and pull is keys from his hoodie. Hero follows us to the house in my car, Punk sits in the seat staring out the window and doesn't speak I reach over to take his hand and he flinches away from me.

"How much did you hear?" He whispers this in the silence of the car and I take a deep breath unsure of how to answer him.

"We will talk about it at the house Punk, it is nothing that makes me love you less though." He chews on his lip and tenses more. He seems so far away from me and I just want to pull him across the seat into my arms and give him comfort I am just so unsure of what to say and how to make anything better at this point. We pull up to the apartment building and both sit in silence, I'm trying to take everything in, figure out what the hell Punk was thinking. He is staring down at his hands and I hate the look in his eyes I think he may be more lost then I have ever understood. I reach out and he cringes away from me.

"Don't I'm dirty, you shouldn't touch me. I'm unclean Colt I'll just taint you." I roll my eyes and get out of the car slamming my door. I walk around the car and yank his open pulling him out I slam his door closed and yank him to my body. My lips press onto his and he tenses but I persist until he allows me to deepen the kiss and wrap his arms around my neck. He is trembling in my arms and I run my hands along his spine trying to sooth him. I pull back and nod at Chris, he follows us upstairs the elevator ride is quiet and Punk clings to my side. We enter the apartment and Chris heads down the hall, informing us he is going to go hang out in the spare bedroom watch some TV or workout. He is giving us the space we need and I am not fully sure of his reaction to Punk's confession. I didn't really see how anyone reacted, I was so focused on Punk. I just hope everyone is kind and doesn't treat Punk differently at his revelation. As soon as he leaves the room I walk Punk to the couch and sit him down.

"What the fuck were you thinking? Why the hell would you take the gun and then lie to me? What the hell was going through that think skull of yours?" I need an explanation before we go to his confession. He cringes at the tone in my voice I now it doesn't sound kind but I'm so fucking hurt and confused.

"I don't know, I thought if I could stand up to Paul I could finally let it go, I didn't have the courage to do it though. I tried but I couldn't get to his apartment, I just couldn't get there. I knew you would stop me, I knew you wouldn't let me go so I lied I am so sorry." I sigh wanting to strangle him and hug him at the same time but I need to keep my anger for the moment in hopes he will be honest with me for a fucking minute in time.

"You need to stop fucking lying to me, you need to stop keeping shit from me. It is going to ruin our relationship if you don't trust that I love you Punk. Stop fucking hiding how you are doing, and what you are fucking feeling before it destroys us both. Jesus Christ Punk what was the plan get there confront Paul and shot him?" Punk shrugs and I throw my hands in the air in exasperation, I am honestly at my wits end with him shutting down, I understand it but I am fed up with it. "Fucking answer me I am done with this fucking shit." His head pops up and he looks at me a fear in his eyes.

"Done with what? Done with me? Done with us? I love you colt I don't fucking keep things from you unless it is to protect you, plus it's a two way street, stop keeping shit from me." He swallows hard and takes a breathe. "You should be done with me, I should pack up my shit and leave. Everything you heard, because I can tell by your eyes you heard it all. I'm ruined Colt, I'm nothing more than a whore, you can't love me knowing that. I'm gross and dirty, I'll leave as soon as we hear from Ace." I throw my hands up in the air and storm into the kitchen, I place my hands on the table and count to ten several times I need to cool down, this needs to be rationale. If I react to his emotions, then he will act towards mine and it will end up with both of us screaming and trying to leave. After a few minutes I head back to the living room, Punk is still on the couch and as soon as I enter his head snaps down to look at the floor instead of stare at the kitchen door.

"I don't care how many people you've been with Punk, I don't care how or why you were with them. We all have a past and it is not always pretty. I love you and I'm not done with us or you. What I am done with is the lies, the avoidance, and the shutting down on me. You are not dirty, gross, or tainted, you are perfect, a little broken right now, but perfect. I'm not walking away I just need to understand, I am so confused why you let it go that far, why you didn't turn to us for help. How he got so much control over you. I am just so fucking confused by all of it Punk." I sigh and sit beside of him wanting to reach out but instead wait for an answer.

"I love you too, I don't now okay. My shrink says its battered person syndrome, that once I allowed him to destroy my support system I felt hopeless and depressed. That I gave into his demands as a survival strategy, by keeping him happy I was protecting myself. The more he isolated me the more I depended on him. I'm not sure how or why it all started but she says that in time I will understand it and accept it, and that it stems from my childhood and when I am ready we will talk about it. I don't really talk with her a lot she does a lot of talking though at times trying to help me understand my own actions. I'm not sure I believe her but alls I know is that she seems very sure I've got PTSD, depression, and anxiety." I wonder if he would let me come to a session, speak with his therapist so I can understand this better. "It's okay that you think I am dirty, I understand you not wanting to be with me physically. I'm not good enough for you I get it. I'm sorry about Ace, do you think he will be okay." I take another breath and understand now why he has been pushing the sex issue, it makes him feel worse that I keep denying him, hell it makes him feel like I don't want him when in reality he is everything I have ever wanted.

"For a guy who is so smart, you can be so stupid sometimes Punk. I want you, I want you so much it hurts not to have you I am waiting because you are not ready, I promise when you are we will spend days in bed exploring each other. You were going to shot yourself Punk, please don't try to deny it, you were going to do it. You were going to leave me alone without you, and Ace took the brunt of those actions. Is he going to be fine, it's Ace he'll be joking about it tomorrow." He looks over at me and chews on his lip ring and I reach over and pull it from between his teeth. "Stop that you are going to worry a hole right through your lip."

"I wasn't thinking, or maybe I was over thinking I don't know, I just felt so out of body again, I don't understand why that happens I feel so outside of myself, and I want to stop but it's like I'm watching myself and I can't prevent what I do. I should probably talk to the shrink about it. I don't want to leave you ever Colt, hell I want the future you've mentioned but I don't see a way to get there. You don't want me Colt, you can't not knowing what you know now. If I said I was ready now, at this very moment that I need you. You wouldn't want to touch me, I'm nothing more than a slut and I don't deserve you." I think long and hard for several silent minutes, I now he isn't ready but I'm afraid if I don't do something he will think I honestly don't want him, and he will believe those horrible voices in his head so I do the only thing I can. I Lean into him pressing him down on to the couch my body on top of his. His eyes widen and I hope Chris doesn't decided to come into the room at the moment. I undo the button on his jeans and slide my hand inside. My lips press into his as I fondle him, he grows hard under my hand and I take his hand and place it on my crotch where my cock is straining at just the idea of him. I am hard all the fucking time because of this man, I want him so desperately that my showers are typically cold, and I think my hand has become my new best friend.

"I want you Punk, I want you so fucking much that I am tempted to fuck you right here despite Hero being in the other room. So instead since we don't have the privacy right now I am going to take your cock into my mouth and suck on it until you explode then I am going to swallow every fucking drop of your cum, because you taste so fucking good and I promise that soon we will be in our bedroom while I enjoy your ass tightly around me. Don't ever tell me what I want when it comes to you, because I want it fucking all." I'm stroking him the whole time I speak and he is squirming and moaning quietly his eyes filled with desire. I slide down his body and pull him out of his jeans, my mouth descends and I take him in. His taste fills my mouth and I feel myself get even harder if that is possible. How I want to fuck the hell out of him and I think maybe I just should but he is so vulnerable that even this may be the wrong thing to do, however his fingers are in my hair and he is bucking his hips up into my mouth slightly. He comes undone so quickly and even though I am not very experienced at giving a blow job he is moaning loudly and whimpering within a few minutes already on the edge. He pulls my head away and I look him, those green orbs are almost black the pupil so dilated with desire.

"Please Colt, please just take me, I want you inside of me, please I need it, I'm ready I promise." His pleas are not lost on me and I'm fighting an internal war, I lower my head biting lightly at his tip as I push his jeans down over his legs, he helps and is soon only in his t-shirt which I pull from his body also. I drink him in, the sight so beautiful, I keep fighting with myself but the reality is the look, the begging, it is almost a losing war. He reaches out and opens up my jeans showing them down, I allow him to give me a few firm strokes, before I shove his hand away settling myself between his legs. They wrap around my waist in encouragement, pulling me tight against his body. I know he has won, and despite the lack of prep I press my tip against his hole, it amazes me that he doesn't tense in fact he seems to relax knowing I'm going to give this to him. His nostrils flare as his breathing increases and I wipe blond locks from his forehead watching his face as I sink into him. I see a slight grimace, but he arches up causing me to sink deeper into him. This isn't about making love for either of us, it about proving a point, him that he is ready for this and capable, me that nothing about him could ever disgust me. Our pace reflects this it is not gentle or sweet and if I tried to make it that way he wouldn't allow me to, the way he arches into me demands hard and fast. I have to cover his mouth with my own to quiet him down, Punk is very vocal apparently when we are in doing this note to self buy a gag. Our bodies slaps together and I hush him, my lips now working his neck, sucking, niddling, His fingers rake at my back, his hands under my t-shirt and I am sure he is leaving marks but then again I want him to mark me, just as much as I want to mark him. With that in mind I sink my teeth into his collar bone, I know it will leave a bruise, and I can task the copper in my mouth. As I do this I feel him erupt his cum soaking his stomach and my t-shirt. The muscles tightening around me cause me to explode inside of him, filling him, he screams my name when he cums and I don't think I've ever heard anything hotter.

"I love you, I want you, always" I hiss into his ear and he nods and I think by the look on his face he finally believes me. I could do this all night with him, but instead I slide from his body and fix our clothes. The dazed look on his face is erotic and the smile he gives me is so gentle, I've never seen it on him before. I pull him into my arms stroking his hair. "Do you believe me now? I want you Punk, I love you." He nods his head underneath my hand and looks at me.

"I love you too, thank you" I chuckle and shake my head.

"No thank you, I think that was the best sex I've ever had and the tightest ass I've ever been in. It was fucking amazing Punk." He smirks at me and I can't help but laugh at the look of satisfaction that crosses his face. We lay on our couch snuggling when the door to the apartment opens, I look up as Ace and Joe walk in. Punk is out of my lap and on his feet before I can blink.

"Ace are you okay? Here sit you shouldn't be on your feet, I'm so fucking sorry." Ace just sits down beside of me looking out of it.

"I'm good Punkers, great drugs, missed anything important, just some stitches and drugs, very good drugs. No big deal, you okay." He is hovering, getting Ace a drink, a blanket, and a pillow for his head.

"I'm better than I have been for a long time" Ace looks him over and smiles, giving me a wink, and slapping my arm.

"I can tell, the afterglow of good sex looks good on you Punk. Way to hit that ass Colt." II blush and shake my head glancing at Joe.

"He's really okay, little out of it but okay." I nod and pull Punk down on to my lap. Joe clears his throat and looks at Punk. "I just wanted to say I have no problem with your past. I'm a bit of a whore myself so I have no room to judge, and Ace here was rambling that he loves you and thinks you're pretty damn hot that he would so pay to tap that ass so I'm pretty sure he is fine with it. Don't let it hold you back from your future, if it comes out, it comes out. Who the hell cares and if people are going to judge you then they were never your fans in the first place." Punk smiles and tells him thank you, he snuggles into my arms and is soon asleep with his head on my shoulder.

I think about our tightrope and now I see it more clearly, it's a burden for us, and I refuse to walk along it any longer, beside the threads that connect our hearts are much brighter than this tight rope we are on. I'm ready to jump, take that leap of faith I just have to convince Punk to go with me. Together I am sure we will find a place to land, where we can build our future. No more balancing act, no more performing for each other, just the two of us falling freely into love.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading please review!<strong>

**guest- thank you for the review! Punk does need to figure out how to fix himself before he crashes ad burns and brings everyone around him down, not sure how much more Colt can handle, and poor Ace though okay I'm sure when not high on pain killers will have a few words to say.**

**littleone1389- Not sure what shooting Ace will do to his mental state, though as of right now he is apologetic but not dealing with anything. Punk enjoys his world of avoidance, hopefully everyone can force him to deal with everything before it all collapses.**

**Sub-Pion- Hi, thank you so much for the review, I love hearing from first time reviews and what they are thinking. We love people who are on our little Colt/Punk ship, it is a small group of love for this pairing but we are a loyal few! Thank you for saying that I amplify them in the way I write them sometimes I feel like I may take to many liberties with their personalities so its nice to hear that people like what I am doing.**

**lamentomori- I think for London it was all about control and humiliation and what better control then forcing Punk to be with others, in some form it was another way to rape Punk, strip everything he believed in. London has lost control to Colt and I think that is what he hates more then anything, he will be appearing very soon again to give us another look into his warped brain. Ace being shot was not where I intended to go but it actually fit into what I have mapped out for the next few chapters, (I know I mapped out shocker, see I can do it!) I think the image of the hammock was kind of a nod towards what could be, peaceful, colorful, warm, happy if only Punk would allow them this peace.**


	16. Love Song

It is said that memories never die, so I wonder if I will always be haunted. Will I forever know that Paul took every piece of who I used to be and crushed it, now I am this person that when I look in the mirror I see a stranger in my skin? My therapist tells me it is not who I used to be that matters it is who I am now, the person I am, and who I want to be. The person I am now feels like I am laying a constant game of chance, rock paper scissors with the world. The person I am shot his best friend, manipulated his boyfriend, and feels cheap, dirty, and used. I wonder if there is a place where I am not this person any longer, if someday I'll be whole again, I will heal and have everything I've ever wanted. I don't see it as even a remote possibility now that Colt knows the truth. He seems sincere in his love for me, that my past doesn't matter to him, yet how can knowing the truth not affect how he feels at least a little. Hell it wasn't until he found out how dirty and used I am that he finally slept with me. It probably dawned on him that he was waiting for a whore to be ready for sex, a whore it always ready so he had nothing left to wait for. Being with Colt is amazing though, he inside me left me at least temporarily feeling fulfilled, though now I think I may feel emptier, we were together and now he won't touch me. Granted its only be a few days and we've been busy taking care of Ace and doing other stuff but he still hasn't even attempted to hold my hand. I know he could just be distracted by his appointment tomorrow and I should sympathize but if he needs distraction or comfort I could provide it I'm right here and its always free to him.

I need to get my mind set out of the past and try to see this from Colt's perspective yet I have no clue how I would react if I was in Colt's shoes. I would never date a prostitute or stripper, at least past me would not do that, now I have no clue how I would react to that confession. It seems hypocritical to say I would look down upon someone in my shoes but the old me would in a heartbeat. So why would well brought up, nice, moral Colt be with me if not to have great sex. I've come to the conclusion that he feels sorry for me, which could be the only reason he hasn't left me yet. I hate that he feels that way and wonder if maybe I should just leave without him knowing it. He wouldn't have to pretend to love me, wouldn't have to act like he finds me desirable if I left.

Ace has been staying in our guest room during his recovery so the place tends to be full, that could also be the reason for the lack of intimacy we would have almost a constant audience. Currently Joe and D are both crashing here, they would normally be at Ace's but his place needs to be cleaned up and I'm not in the place to go and scrubs the blood I spilled off the floor yet. I t really is my responsibility so I insist they let me do it, now I just need to get the courage up to go to Ace's place to do it. It's in the middle of the night, Colt is sound asleep and although I got a few hours of rest the nightmares roused me from sleep, so I find myself sliding out from underneath Colt's arm and heading into the kitchen, I grab a bottle of Pepsi and here the TV in the living room playing. Poking my head into the room in case the person is asleep I see D staring at the screen. I take a deep breath knowing I owe him an apology and walk over to the couch. He glances up as I sit beside of him and I give him a small smile. We sit in silence for a long time watching the infomercials with no real interest. "I'm sorry about the bar D, I know I've already told you this but I swear it had nothing to do with you." He nods and then turns to study me.

"I already accepted your apology, what I am having difficulty with is the fact that you fucking shot Ace and we are all covering it up." I nod someone had to be having a problem with it, or at least what to scream at me about it. Ace and Colt practically refused to let me apologize or make me feel bad about it. In fact they keep blaming themselves if they hadn't tried to take the gun no one would have got shot. "I mean I get that you are having a hard time, and that Paul did some shit. I just think you should get over it."

"It's not that easy" I mutter softly not sure he heard me until he asks me why. I wish I knew why this was harder to get over than anything else, I had a horrible childhood, rotten parents, I was bullied, but all those things made me stronger why does this make me so much weaker. "It is just not, I can't explain something I don't understand myself D." He doesn't say anything else just goes back to the TV and a few minute later Colt rushes into the living room, he looks at me and I see him relax. "I can't fucking do this no more" I whisper this softly but I'm sure D heard me as he gives me a sharp look.

"Hey Colt want to give us a few minutes, Punk and I were in the middle of an important conversation, I'll send him in when we are finished." Colt loos between the two of us, I'm sure the confusion is on my face, last I knew D had ended the conversation and dismissed me and I can honestly not think of anything else to say to him. Colt looks like he wants to protest before he sighs and heads back down the hallway. "If you break his fucking heart Punk, then I will firmly believe you are evil."

"What? I have no clue what you mean, why don't you mind your own business when it comes to our relationship D." He stands and although I feel fear at this I stand and face him, he gets right up in my face and I swallow hard.

"You can't do this no more, I'm assuming that means Colt. Am I wrong?" I roll my eyes trying not to back down or look at the floor, looking someone in the eyes is disrespectful if you are a whore. It shows you think of them as equal to you, Paul taught me that one quickly.

"That is not what I met, it's not Colt I'm done with I would never intentionally hurt him." D shakes his head at me and steps closer.

"Seems like that is all you are doing, intentionally hurting him. He goes to touch you and you flinch away, he goes to hold your hand and you practically run to the other side of the room, he goes to hug you or kiss you and you act like he is hitting you. So get it the fuck together Brooks you are beyond intentionally hurting him." I'm not sure what he means, I honestly am not, and Colt hasn't tried to touch me, has he? I think back over the last few days, and it dawns on me as I try to focus that there are pieces missing small fragments of time that seem to not exist in my mind. D must see the panic on my face, I sit down hard on the couch. How is this possible, how am I blocking out time, how the fuck am I missing memories, ones apparently of Colt trying to touch me. I assumed when D rushed off he was going to get Colt, but it's not him who sits beside me it's Ace. His arm in a sling he carefully sits down and I turn my head towards him, the confusion must be written all over my face.

"What's wrong Punk, D said you were upset." I nod slightly and stare at him.

"Why did he get you and not Colt? You should be resting Ace." Ace shakes his head and reaches out to touch my hand, I watch as he does this and he seems to stare at my face.

"Improvement" I hear him mutter and I'm still so confused. "He didn't get Colt because you've been refusing to talk to him, touch him, or acknowledge him for the last week." My eyes widen and I shake my head no.

"That's not true, it can't be true, and you just got shot two days ago. Colt and I had sex that night, that was two days ago Ace." He shakes his head and I try to remember, it's all gone though, days just gone.

"It's been nine days since I got shot, you've been out of it since the next morning. I mean you've been here but not here, you would respond slightly to me, to Joe, Hero, Chez, or D, but you absolutely would not respond to Colt. He hasn't even been sleeping with you but watching you while you slept, sitting in a chair in your room." I know that's wrong he was in bed beside of me when I woke up, sleeping I could hear his snores and his arm was wrapped around me. I focus on this and it dawns on me the weight of the blankets wrapped around me, not Colt was what I felt. His snores came from across the room, he wasn't in bed with me.

"I don't remember, why don't I remember?" Ace raises an eyebrow but reaches for his phone, I watch as he dials a number and speaks not really hearing his words I just stare at him.

"Your therapist is on the way, she's been by a few times this week, she'll be able to explain it better." I just not and glance around wanting Colt. "It may be best to wait, the few times you started to be more responsive Colt trying to comfort you has sent you retreating back into yourself." I wrinkle my forehead not sure how Colt touching me could cause that to occur. Something does click in my mind however and my eyes widen.

"Doctor's appointment, he went to the doctor's, is he okay?" Ace gives me a shrug and I growl in frustration wanting answers.

"He went, that is about all I can tell you. If you want more then ask him." I glance at Ace and stand he throws his one good arm in the air. "Punk it's not a good idea." I of course so ignore him and head into to our bedroom, Colt looks up from his chair with tired eyes.

"You went to the doctor's what did he say, Are you okay?" He blinks rapidly at me and I see him smile slightly, I am standing right in front of him, my hands on my hips. My knee is pressing against his leg and he seems so focused on the fact our bodies are touching that he doesn't answer me. "Hey are you fucking okay, answer me Scott." He looks up and nods licking his lip he reaches a hand out almost hesitantly towards mine so I reach out and grab his hand. "Not going to break Colt, just answer me." He stares at out entwined hands and I sigh leaning down I plant my lips onto his keeping the kiss brief before I pull back. "I'm fine Colt just answer me."

"Yes I good, the doctor ran a bunch of tests, still in remission, just need to remember my meds if I am going to stay that way." I nod and slide my hand from his I go and sit heavily on the bed staring at him.

"What's wrong with me?" He stands and walks over sitting on the bed beside of me, and a strange feeling of numbness starts to take over. I refuse to slip back into whatever is going on in my mind so I clench my fist focusing on the pain as my nails dig into my palm, it at least seems to work for the moment.

"The doctor called it dissociative amnesia, I'm not sure the whole details but it happens to someone after a traumatic event. You still with me?" The question is soft and I acknowledge that I was drifting so I look over at him.

"Yeah I'm here, just feel really weird." He places his hand on my leg and I focus on the weight, the feeling of his touch. It seems to work so much better than my nails in my hand, his touch seems to ground me and I wonder if that was what my mind has been running away from for the last week.

"It's okay Punk it's normal, even the out of body feelings you've been having are normal. There are treatments, medications you could take. I know your straight edge but these medications could help you, they won't cure you but they could make the symptoms more manageable, and there is a therapy CBT it could help you too." I stand and walk across the room, the moment his touch is gone I feel like I'm floating again and I force myself to think.

"Medications, I'm not sure that's a good idea, and cbt isn't that I little kinky didn't know you were into cock and ball torture." He stands and follows me across the room not touching me and I almost tell him to touch me so I can focus better.

"Punk if you had cancer you would take medications to treat it, this is the same thing your mind's kind of got a cancer growing in it and this medication could stop it. I'm not telling you that you have to take it, but just consider it please. CBT Is cognitive behavior therapy, it supposed to teach your brain a new way to think. Just like London taught your mind to think the worst and negative, this would help you to change your thinking, change dysfunctional emotions and thoughts. It's all up to you but it could help, just talk to the therapist okay she knows a lot about this stuff." I nod staring at the floor, it could use a cleaning, we should clean the apartment, that is what I am thinking, not about therapy or medications and I know that is wrong yet my focus is so off.

"Touch me" I state softly and he reaches out till hesitant but takes my hand, as soon as he does I feel able to clear my head. "Keeping touching me it grounds me" immediately confusion crosses his face and I force a shrug stepping closer to him, he slides his arms around me. "Think if D and Ace are telling me the truth I was pulling away from you because your touch brings me back to reality. My brain didn't want to come back to reality apparently." I feel some tension slide from him at my explanation and I am now in his arms, being very tightly held. "I'll take the medication, do the therapy I don't care I'm just tired of being on the wrong side of paradise." I feel him tremble against me and try to pull back he just holds me close to his chest, his fingers stroking my scalp.

"Thank you" he whispers and I hear the tears in his voice, "Thank you." I have no clue why he is thanking me, it's not like I like living like this, do I? That I think may even be impossible for me to answer.

"I'm sorry" I whisper and he pulls back and gives me a questioning look before pulling me back to his body. "I manipulate you a lot, I don't do it intentionally but I still do it, I play on your feelings for me. I shouldn't have asked you to sleep with me, pushed you into sleeping with me, when the truth was I wasn't ready and neither were you. I cannot guarantee I'll stop manipulating you though, so know now I'm sorry in advanced for those occurrences also." He nods his head on my shoulder and keeping me in his arms walks me out to the living room, Ace, Joe, D, and my therapist Karen are all sitting in the living room. Colt sits on the couch and pulls me down onto his lap.

"He agreed to the therapy, and to try medication." Karen just gives Cot a pointed look and turns to me.

"Would you like us to speak in private Phil?" I shake my head quickly, nope not a good idea. "Why is that?" I would normally just shrug at her and then waste an hour of her time instead I clear my throat but give her an answer.

"If Colt laves and isn't talking or touching me it is very hard to stay focused, I'm not sure why but I feel like my mind is just drifting." Karen jots something down in her trusty notepad and then begins to rifle through her little black doctors bag, didn't know she did home visits wonder how much this is going to cost me. She retrieves what looks like a prescription pad as well as a syringe and vial. I think I must cringe at the sight of it but she gives me a soft smile.

"Phil, I know you hate the idea of medications but I want you a little more clear minded before you agree, this is thorazine, if you allow me to inject you with a small does it most likely will lower your anxiety and allow the feeling of needed to retreat in your mind to go away. Once again it is completely up to you and if you don't want to do this just let me know." I glance around the room at the hopeful but doubtful faces.

"Is it addictive?"

"It's one time only Phil, if we can have a conversation and you agree I will prescribe something that is not addictive at all." Colt tightens his grip and whispers cancer into my ear, I know he is right Paul has become a cancer in my life and it is time I start cutting him out. So I force my head to nod and try not to tense as she prepares the medication. I pull up the sleeve on my shirt and she wipes at the back of my arm with an alcohol pad. "Are you sure? "She asks one last time and I just sigh burying my face into Colt's neck.

"Yes just do it." I feel the needle pierce my skin and the burn as the medication goes in, I can't help the small sob that leaves my lips. I know rationally this isn't against straight edge, prescriptions medications are allowed and I know somewhere in the back of my mind I am in need of treatment. Do it yourself is not working for me, when I don't even know myself or how to think straight. I nibble at my lip ring and speak when I am sure my voice won't wavier. "Whatever you prescribe, small dose, lots of monitoring, only until I can do it on my own again." She retakes her seat and I peak from Colt's shoulder to look out at her.

"Of course Phil, the Thorazine may make you feel tired and that is normal." I nod and wonder if once I agree to take medication will I go through with it. I ask what is happening, why I am not remembering things, why there are so many gaps in my mind. She starts to explain and I find myself blinking a few times, my mind so much more focused but now so tired. Colt leaves at some point along with everyone one else, I know I must react to it because he promises not to be far, right in the kitchen and to yell if I need him. She explains everything to me and I sit on the couch taking it all in, she explains about the therapy and the medication she wants to try me on, and I find myself agreeing with her. She asks me a few questions and I struggle to answer her, finally she stands and the others return to the room. A prescription is pressed into my hand and I look down at it, glancing at Colt I hold it out to him.

"Will you get that filled, I'm so tired." There is an all-night pharmacy up the road and I'm sure he will run right down as soon as he gets the chance. He takes the paper and pulls me to my fight I press against him and try to make my feet work, the Thorazine got my mind to focus but my feet to stop working apparently. I think I may be asleep before Colt scopes me up and carries me to bed, I know I'm asleep before I ever hit the pillow. It's that or I just don't remember, both way I sleep for hours and for once nightmares don't plague me.

I stumble out to the kitchen in desperate need of coffee, I had awoken alone but Colt had obviously slept with me his indention still in the bed and I buried my face in his pillow for a long time breathing him in before I made my way out. I feel the eyes on me as I trudge through the living room to the kitchen, pouring myself a steaming cup of caffeine I settle against the counter, taking several sips of the sugar with caffeine, Colt tells me I might as well drink liquid sugar but hey who could stand this stuff without lots of sugar. I scan the kitchen my eyes falling on the pharmacy bag, it sits in the table almost taunting me but I push down the feelings and walk over to the table. I open the bag and pull out the orange bottle, reading over the label, Zoloft 50mg take 1 tab by mouth twice a day. It's made out to me and I hesitate before unscrewing the cap, the damn child safety aspects has me stuck for a few moments. Finally I pour one of the pills into my hand studying it, examine it from all angles, this little pill could help everything be better. Somehow I cannot see this working but I force myself to put it into my mouth swallowing down with a swig of my coffee. I then quickly examine the paperwork, I'm sure Cot has read over the side effects so I avoid it. I have a feeling if I read the side effects I would refuse to put more of the poison in my body.

"I know you are there" I state to Colt who came into the kitchen seconds after I did but has been hovering in the shadows giving me space I'm sure. He comes over to the table and kisses me gently I return the kiss, and old up the bag. "Where is the receipt?" He looks at me all innocently and shrugs. "Colt how much did this cost?"

"Don't worry about it Punk my parents paid for it, we don't exactly have insurance so they helped out, they pay for mine all the time." I growl and slap his arm lightly.

"Your their son, its different, they shouldn't pay for my sit tell me how much it cost and I'll pay them back." He chuckles and pulls me from my chair onto his lap, giving me a quick kiss.

"Don't let my mom hear you say you are not her son. In her mind you are her son-in-law and she loves you just as much as she loves me. If you try to pay them back they will be highly offended so just let it go." I sigh and look at my empty cup, holding it up for Colt to see.

"We are not married Colt, I'm not her son in-law also my mouth is terribly dry this morning can you make some more coffee, if I make it I may burn it." He snorts but Stands with me in his arms, h carries me over and sits me on the counter beside the coffee maker. He easily sets it up and starts it, I watch it as it takes forever to drip through.

"We could always make you my legal partner, that way if anything were to happen we would be able to make decisions for each other. It's just a bunch of silly paperwork, not really a big deal, few signatures and then we could legally watch each other's back and make sure our wishes are fulfilled without a lot of crap." I think I may be an owl, my eyes repeatedly blinking, a small noise leaving my mouth almost a hoot, as I try to form words. Legal partners, that's a really big step, it's a commitment, I mean not marriage big because with a few papers and a signature you can change it without worrying about dividing properties and assets but still a huge step. Why would he want to take that with me, why would he want to chain himself to a whore, let that dirty slut make decision for him.

"Are you sicker then you are letting on?" That's the only answer he lied and is dying so he wouldn't be forced to deal with me for long.

"No I told you the truth, medications work just fine as long as I take them." I nod and glance at his med minder seeing this morning pill already gone. It dawns on me then what he really wants.

"You want to make decisions for me, decide on medications, commit me, and be listed as my next of kin so if I lose it, or go away again then you can do something about it." I see the guilt flash in his eyes and he glances away from me again. He would commit himself to me in order to ensure that I was okay. This just creates so much confusion, seems so opposite to how someone should treat me after what I've done, who I am. "Why didn't that happen in the first place?"

"You wouldn't leave the apartment we tried to get you to go see Karen, so when that didn't work she came here. You were still kind of functioning, eating, showering, you just weren't mentally aware. She said taking you out of the environment could be harmful. That if it got worse then we would act to get you admitted somewhere. It's not just about that thought, I love you Punk, and I'd happily be tied to you." He fixes me another cup of coffee giving it to me I take a sip of the pure sweet perfection, he knows how I like my coffee, and he knows how to prepare it perfectly. Paul never knew, never cared to know, this is so different. Maybe just maybe if you love someone you pay attention to the little things, to ho they like there coffee, or the way they take their toast. Toast I am currently being handed "not good to take medication on an empty stomach Punkers" I munch on the piece of bread with cinnamon and butter and smile to myself, Colt likes his coffee almost black, little bit of cream, touch of sugar, his toast with peanut butter, he likes organized chaos, he likes old movies, musicals are his favorite although he would never admit to it. I know so much about this man, I trust this man with my life so why wouldn't I trust him with my medical welfare.

"I'll sign the papers" I state this softly but he still catches it. His head pops up so fast I think he may have whip lash.

"You will, I mean I know how you feel about marriage and it's not like we will be married, it's just a domestic partnership, it just allows us some rights we wouldn't have without it. It's not like we couldn't walk away from it, or change it, or get rid of it if we needed too. I mean I can call mom and dad's lawyer and have the paperwork done by this afternoon. . ." I stop him with my lips, and he kisses me fiercely, his tongue sliding into my mouth. He is pulling at my shirt and I am pulling at his, then I remember my promise and push him back.

"No not ready, not here not now, I'll sign the papers I trust you Colt, I'm just not wearing a ring."

"No ring got it."

"No ceremony, no fanfare what so ever, simple signing of a paper."

"Right don't tell my mother she will want to throw a party." I laugh and pull him back to me hugging his tightly.

"This may be the medication talking but a small dinner would be nice, maybe just the guys and your family. Nothing big just a small dinner if you wanted to do it that is." He takes my hands and squeezes them.

"If you want a dinner then we will have a dinner, it's about what both of us want Punk not just me. I'll call the lawyer and make an appointment to go sign the papers this afternoon, I'll call mom and dad and invite them out to dinner, call whoever you want to invite and we will tell them at dinner so Mom doesn't know ahead of time and make it a huge thing." I smile and I can feel it spread wide across my face, this man is agreeing to be mine, maybe not my husband we may never do that but he is committing himself as my boyfriend, well even more then that as the other half of me. He has no hesitation and it dawns on me, I'll never have to be with anyone else, no one will ever get to touch me, be inside of me, and hurt me again. He wants me, and would never expect the things that Paul did. This man loves me, desires me, and wants me to be his forever. I don't ever have to do those things I did, feel the way I did, with Colt I get a chance to start over, to be clean again. I know the tears pouring down my face have Colt concerned, however the smile I am sure is confusing him.

"How do you do it? How do you make me feel whole again, how do you make me feel like I am home? You make me feel free, and somehow this make me know that someday this is all going to be behind me. Everything is going to be so far away, a distant memory and it will just be our love. I just need to remember to hold on, because someday I'll be living a dream, the nightmare will be nothing more than the past. I will always love you." He wipes at his own eyes, and pulls me in for a kiss. "Tonight can it be just us here please, us alone?" He nods and I kiss him back, there is a fierce passion and a tender gentleness both wrapped inside this kiss. It's almost as if this is our first kiss, the one we were met to have, no pain, no fear just love.

Our tightrope, the place we've learned to be trapped, it was never our safety, it was always a prison. This thread I once assumed connected Colt to me was our own hell the stars above our head finally illuminate what is beneath us, the white clouds so soft and gentle, glittering like hill of snow untouched by the world. No crimson, no black, no darkness a gentle light waiting below. Yet I'm still scared what if we fall through those clouds, hat if beneath them is the hell and pain I fear, is it better to stay here on this thread and continue our silent dance, or to jump and trust that Colt will go with me. I always thought the hand with the free tattoo was pulling me down, maybe in reality it was pulling me to myself, freeing me from this rope, and showing me a small piece of who I once was. If only I knew the truth or the future in front of us, would I jump or stay, would knowing change my decision. Is it fate that brought me to this place, this moment in time where everything could change, with a simple fall, the swipe of a pen on a page? Everything would change, but will it be for the best?

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading please remember to review!<strong>

**lamentomori- I try not to make things easy on you lol. I think we have progress, we see that here although with Punk its always twenty steps back one tiny step forward. I think cabana see's the error's of his ways and we will feel that in the next chapter. Not sure what you will think of this chapter, Punk is so anti-marriage but I think this is something Colt would want to do so he could get the help Punk needs if he has too, so looking forward to your input!**


	17. At Last

I'm honestly not sure who is agreeing to my proposition, is it the Punk that I am in love with or is it the broken Punk who feels he has no say in his own life, or is it the medication talking. I know the Thorazine hadn't fully left his system when I proposed this agreement so I feel like maybe I am taking advantage of him in his vulnerable state. So when we arrive at my parent's lawyers I feel we need to have another conversation I need to know he is doing this of his own free will and that I am in no way pressuring him into agreeing to this. So I ask the lawyer to give us a few minutes, he nods and leaves us alone in his office. Punk is staring at the floor and I reach over grabbing his chin gently lifting so he is looking me in my eyes. "You changed your mind?" I'm startled by the defeat and sadness in his voice and the defeat in his eyes.

"What no Punk I haven't I just wanted to make sure you were okay with all of this, I've had several days to think about and I've given you a few hours. So if you don't want to do this it is okay." He immediately looked worse instead of comforted by my words. "Alright tell me what is in your head, tell me why you're doubting me and yourself." He shrugs and bites at his lip.

"You want me to back out, you want me to change my mind because it makes you the good guy in this. Your right you've had several days to think about this, and I think you offered this assuming I would say no, when I didn't you felt trapped now you are trying to get me to back out, because you don't want to be tied to someone who is like me," I growl and grab the paperwork off the desk, flipping through I initial and sign every place I need to, then I hold it out to Punk. He reaches for it hesitantly but I pull it away needing to make some things perfectly clear to the man.

"I love you, I am more than happy to think about spending the rest of my life with you, what I am afraid of is that you are thinking I want this just to have control over you. That is not why I want it, do I want to be able to ensure that if you retreat into yourself again that I can do something and not just sit there and feel helpless absolutely, but it is not the only reasons I want this. This is not about taking anything away from you, it's about us being together, loving one another, being equals. It means that if you're sick I am there to help you, but also if I get sick, my medication stops working then you are there for me, you can make decisions for me, it is an equal partnership. I want no control over you Punkers, I just want you. If you feel like I am asking too much that is okay, if you are saying yes to appease me then stop it. It is about both of us, how we both feel, and what we both need. It is not about control, do you understand that." He sighs and holds his hand out for the papers I hand them over and he begins to scan through them.

"You always assume that I compare your actions to his, never once did I think you were trying to control me, I know what these papers me, I know why you feel we need them. I understand your fear, I was semi-functioning for several days, and it scared me too. I want you to have this not only because I love you, but there is something wrong with me that I am horrible at figuring out, I don't want to come to and realize I've lost several days, I don't want to pull away from you and if this allows you to get me the help I need then it really is for the best. However I'm not signing them for that reason, I am signing them though Colt for so many other reasons but I think the one that matters is that I love you, I want to be with you and this is just a piece of paper, well several pieces of paper and none of them will define who we are as people and as a couple. So shut up and give me a pen." I hand him the pen and call the lawyer back in the room, several minutes later we are officially domestic partners. As we walk out I study him, he seems happier, I see the smile plastered across his face but I still need to address that fact that he said I didn't want to be with someone like him, I didn't miss that but I've decided to address it when we are alone tonight the two of us need to have a very long conversation about why exactly I do love someone like him, and everything I love about him.

We head to Ace's place, Punk is insistent that he needs to have a real conversation with Ace. They had headed home this morning after agreeing to come to our dinner, Punk hadn't wanted Ace or D to leave but he also knew we needed some time to ourselves. When we arrive we just walk into the apartment as always, though I think maybe we should knock in the future, a very half naked Ace is making out with a shirtless Hero. "Thought so" I mutter under my breath and Punk laughs tossing Hero his shirt.

"You just thought, oh please I knew, they are so obvious. You just have to watch them for a minute to figure out they are together." I shrug as the two men fix themselves, though Ace just really rolls his eyes and adjust his pants once again the man has little modestly and is rather proud of his body.

"Been distracted lately my spider sense must be off." He wrinkles his nose at me but walks over to Ace placing his hand gently over the bandaged on his shoulder.

"How bad was it really? Don't down play it please, just a few stitches and you wouldn't be in a sling and wincing every time you move." Ace clears his throat and studies Punk before taking a deep breath.

"You shot me Punk, it is not exactly a delightful experience, in fact in may be the worse pain I ever felt. You didn't hit anything big, but it was close range through and through and struck a few nerves, those will hurt for a while and are causing spasms in my arm. I'll see a specialist in a few days and they will determine if those nerves will heal or I need future surgery." Punk winces and pulls his hand away.

"I know it means very little, but I am so sorry. I was not trying in any way to shot you, or to hurt you. I would never intentionally hurt you or any of my friends."

"So what were you doing, trying to put a bullet in your own head, how exactly would that not be intentionally hurting all of your friends and family?" Punk shrugs and Ace points to the kitchen table, I guess we all knew the lecture had to be coming so Punk sits. Ace crosses his good arm over his chest wincing when he tries to do the same with his other arm. "I could be really long winded here and tell you so much shit but I am going to keep this short and sweet. Get it the fuck together, you are safe, start trying to figure out your life. You shot me I am not impressed by it but for now you are forgiven, if you ever have a gun near me again I will take it and shot you. You have a lot of people who are willing to support you, you feel like you want to die call on of us we will sit with you until it passes, you feel like going after London we will all come help you take the shit out. Stop thinking you are so alone and let us fucking help you boy. Oh and the next time we are in the ring against each other, I may be a little stiffer then usual." Punk chuckles and nods in agreement, Ace really wouldn't do it he loves Punk way too much and I think when we see guys being stiff with Punk he wants to kill them more than I do.

"You would help me take out Paul?" Ace rolls his eyes and I think Hero and I both do as well.

"Yes, though we would have a much better plan then to just show up with a gun and shot him." Oh we would, we've talked about it several times, the only problem is most of the plans we come up with rely on bait, and Punk being that bait. None of us want to put him in that position yet, he is not ready for it. Punk studies us and then takes a deep breath.

"I have a plan, it just puts me in a risky position, one that Colt won't approve of because it puts me directly in Paul's crosshairs." Nope I don't approve and Ace can tell just by looking at my tense body.

"Never going to happen Punk, now come on we need to go get ready for dinner. We will see you both there, also Hero you have a handle on my request?" he nods and Punk looks at me curiously, I just smile having no intention on ruining the surprises for the night. He stands and Ace pulls him into a hug, Hero hasn't said much to Punk and I know he is the one struggling the most with Punk, with the actions and decision he has made, and with hurting Ace which makes a lot more sense now that I know they are together. It also makes sense that Ace is making him keep his thoughts to himself, Ace loves Punk and would not approve of anyone judging. When Ace lets go I take a hold of my partners hand and we head home, it doesn't take long for us to get ready. Punk grabs the mail and flips through it handing most of the stack to me, he looks over a few pieces of his own before opening an envelope, and he shakes his head and just tosses the letter inside into the nearest trash can.

"It's from Paul" I nod and grab the letter out to look over it, Punk doesn't try to stop me, and sits on the arm of the couch watching me take in a few of the words. _Punk, I would tell you I miss you but I'm sure it doesn't matter at all, so I'll keep it short you will come home to me, or I'll start posting videos you will not want the world to see, I'll also tell everyone how much you enjoyed drugs, the straight edge wrestler high as a kite, your choice drop the charges and the restraining order and come home. I love you._ I look at Punk trying to gage his reaction but he doesn't look upset.

"Throw it away Colt, it doesn't matter and I refuse to let him ruin this day." I place the letter on the coffee table and take his hands.

"Its evidence that he broke the restraining order, no contact means no contact, are you sure you're okay." He tilts his head and kisses me lightly.

"Yes, what more can he do to me Colt, he releases the video, he's on it too, would destroy his career just as much as my own so I'm not worried about it. So he tells the world I did drugs, so what you can be a recovering drug addict and be straight edge, it is just a way to live your life, a belief system and as long as I know what I believe in what does it matter what anyone else thinks. Does him contacting me worry me, of course but I am not thinking about him, or any of the bullshit today. I made my own bed Colt, now I have to lie in it, what happens, well it happens and as long as I have friends and family, and you I will be okay. No negativity today, no letting him get to me because that is what he wants." I'm impressed, I know it may be the medications talking, or it could be that being in his own head allowed him the time to reflect he needed, or it could be the briefest moment of clarity but at the moment the man in front of me seems to be getting stronger, not whole by a long shot but dealing in a healthier way then I have seen him do in ages.

So we leave the letter and head out to dinner, it is at a nice restraint my parents chose, they are insisting on paying and I think my mother may know what is going on. We arrive a few minutes late for dinner, maybe I got a little distracted by Punk in nice clothing, he looks incredibly sexy in a suit and tie even if it's just for an evening. So by the time we arrive everyone else is already there, my parents greet us with large hugs, so does Chez and her mother, the rest of Chez's family is away for a few days but they will hear the news from Chez I'm sure. Chez's mother holds onto Punk for a long time and he just buries his face into her neck, she is murmuring things into his ear as she strokes his back. I know Punk's relationship with this women is one of the most important he has, so I am grateful she is here having left her vacation to fly home for this dinner, though Punk doesn't know this. I give them a moment alone, knowing she has a few things to talk with Punk about, I head over to where D, Ace, and Joe are standing noticing Hero is missing. "He went to do what you asked, though I'm not sure he is coming after. He and Punk may need to sit down and talk, I hate that he has concerns but he does have a right to them." I nod knowing Ace is right and Punk does need to face that not everyone is okay with his past.

Punk pulls back from Chez's mom and walks over to me wiping at his eyes, but smiling I settle my hand into his and grab my glass of wine from the table, his glass is filled with Pepsi and I clear my throat. "Everyone can I have your attention please" with that everyone turns and stares at me. Punk blushes and hides his head into my shoulder I use my free hands to pull him closer. "Punk and I have a small announcement then we can eat, earlier today Punk and I made our relationship legal, we officially became domestic partners, so I wanted to thank everyone here for coming to help us celebrate this event. You have all in your own way, supported, nurtured, and help Punk and myself grow, and along with that grow our relationship so thank you for it." Everyone offers there congratulations and we settle in to eat, dinner is mostly a light hearted affair, though Hero does show up and I can feel the tension between Ace and Hero, Ace is not happy with his friend? Boyfriend? Lover? I need to ask him to define it for me, would make things a little easier.

Hero does offer us his congratulations and then asks to speak to Punk alone, I'm not sure tonight would be the right time or place to let them have this conversation so I look to Ace who shakes his head agreeing with me. Punk is in a good place, Hero could set him back and I would like to enjoy what essentially is going to be the only version of a wedding night I have, Punk sure as hell will never marry me, and I sure as hell never marrying anyone else, so a domestic partnership night it shall be. Though I'm not sure how far I'm going to allow things to go, I think we need to go back to taking things slow, I don't want Punk to ever feel like I'm just a John using him for sex.

So when Punk goes to follow Hero I pull him back down onto my lap kissing him passionately, he goes to pull away and get up but I keep a firm hold on him, "later" I mutter to Hero who concedes when Ace tells him to get his ass over to him. We won't be able to avoid the upcoming confrontation for long, I had tried to get it through Hero's head that Punk was still Punk, nothing had changed, Ace had, D, had, Joe tired, and all Hero asked me is how I could be with someone like Punk knowing how many other people had touched him. I told him that loving someone means that the past is just a part of who they are, it doesn't define them as a person, and that when you love someone like Punk you take the bad with the good, that Punk is who I will always want and just because he has a past doesn't change our future together. Hero didn't seem convinced by this so I gave up, I'm hoping when Punk's able to talk about it more he can have a conversation with Hero that won't set him back.

"I bought you something." I state softly and Punk gives me a quizzical look, "I know you said no rings so I got you something to remind you that no matter what you have me." He takes the small box I fish out of my pocket and stares at it, pulling the red ribbon off he opens it up slowly, a smile spreading across his face, a small silver driedel attach to a thin chain is inside. I pull the necklace from the box and fasten it around his neck. He fingers it looking at it closely, our initials are inscribed on the back and the very day we met. He shakes his head at me and gives me a long slow kiss.

"You shouldn't of, this looks expensive" I shrug it was and I know I should tell him that I have money, that my parents set up a trust fund, that I don't use very often because I think I should make my own way without their help. I'm just not sure if Punkers would take that well, he already thinks we are very different people so I hesitate before whispering in his ear.

"I kind of have a trust fund Punkers, let's just say we could never wrestle again and be okay." His eyes widen and then he smirks at me.

"Always knew you were a silver spoon bitch, guess I landed me a sugar daddy." I laugh because in all honesty he seems to care less. It had been an odd worry of mine for a while, how he would react to knowing I have money, and how much money my parents have. Struggling all his life for everything could have made him react with anger that I didn't have to, but he seems unfazed and I am so grateful. Although all day he seems to not be caring about the things I would think he normally would care about and it worries me. Is this another way to pretend everything is okay, another way for him to put on a happy face.

Dinner is nice, the food is great and Punk is engaging hell at one point he throws his arm around D and tells him he loves him. D lights up and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek, Punk doesn't tense and I have no clue how to process this Punk, the medications don't work that fucking quickly. I pull him into my lap again away from D and take his face in my hands I study his eyes. His green eyes still show me the same turmoil that he has been living with so I give him a questioning look. "I'm trying" he whispers softly, "this day, this night is about us and nothing is going to spoil that even my fucked up head. These people I care about, I trust, so I am trying to be as normal as possible." He puts a hand on my stomach and I feel it shaking.

"You don't have to act for them, they know it's not perfect" he shrugs and I kiss him lightly "alright just no pretending with me, no hiding, right?" He nods and place his head on my shoulder and I can almost feel the exhaustion seeping from his pores. I look around and stand with him "we are going to head home, it's been a long day and I think we are in need of a good night's sleep." Ace smirks and nudges Joe.

"Sleep yeah right, like they plan on doing any of that." Punk chuckles and shakes his head at Ace. He doesn't protest leaving our little party early and I am sure everyone will sit around and talk about us, about Punk once we are gone. In fact when we are in the cab on the way home a sleeping Punk laying on my shoulder I get a text from Joe _He's doing better?_ I wish that was the truth I can see light in the darkness but it still is a small flame, hopefully soon it will blind me but for now I will cherish this time flame of hope I have. _No acting I think for Chez's mom and my parents. Hates to be thought of as weak._ By the time we arrive back at the apartment I feel terrible for waking him up but I have a plan and tonight I am going to start building Punk back up if it kills me, tonight I am going to help him start burying those demons.

I leave him in the lobby, confused and tired but need to finish setting up a few things, and the security guards are there, and when Punk is in sight they are extra vigilant ever since the attack so I know he will be safe. Its twenty minutes later when I call down and ask them to send him up. When the elevator doors open I stand there, he seems puzzled but I just hold out the two dozen long stemmed roses. He takes them from me his eyes lighting up but still insists on reminding me he is not a chick, "you've got a pretty ass like one though and those legs, I could lick every inch of them" He blushes and shakes his head and I know he is immediately hearing London's voice telling him the exact opposite of my words it is okay I am prepared for this.

I hold open the door to our apartment and he enters, he stills almost immediately and then turns to face me with wide eyes. I smile and lead him into the room, all the furniture is pushed to the side, in the middle of the room, is a pile of blankets and pillows, candles are lit everywhere, and rose petals cover the floor. "What…"I put a finger to his mouth leading him to the blankets.

"Tonight all I want from you is to listen, no talking, just listen and hear me." He nods with some hesitancy I take the flowers from his arms arrange them in a vase, he watches me just standing there. I return to him and take his hand in mine, his once tired eyes are alert, curious and guarded. "We all have our dark secrets, our skeletons in the closet Phil, our own dark horse. Even me I have things I would rather never remember, think about, they challenge me but I've overcome them. That is why I know you will overcome all of this, because you are one of the strongest men I have ever known Phil." I know he wants to protest but he agreed to be quiet so he doesn't speak. "I've never told you my shameful secret, I'm going to tonight and if that changes the way you look at me I understand." I slide down to my knees lifting his leg I pull off his shoe and then his sock allowing my fingers to slide under his slack and caress his calf gently, I then do this to the other foot, when he is barefooted I pull him down onto the makeshift bed. Laying him in the center I place his legs onto my lap, my fingers slowly stroking the center of his foot before I begin to carefully massage the muscles. I lick at my lips the confession sticking slightly, not many people know what I am about to tell Punk, I know it won't change things but I am hoping he will see that it doesn't matter.

"In my life, my relationships, I am always on top, always in control because only once have I not been. My first boyfriend he took what he wanted from me Phil, I was fifteen he was way older and I was so fucking naïve that he knew how to prey upon me. I was rebelling against my parents, being a typical teenager and he grabbed onto it, encouraged me, I was so determined I was ready for the world, grown that I didn't need anyone. Until he left me bloody and bruised in a hotel room, I couldn't image ever getting through it. I was so ashamed I went home and hid, I hid it from my parents, everyone. I acted like he never took my innocence, I was so stupid I blamed myself and I gave him another chance. Once again I was left in some cheap motel, the only difference is my parents were looking for me, they found me and called the cops. I thought I loved this man and so I fought them tooth and nail, they eventually pressed statutory rape charges, he went to jail and I went into a program for teens. I hated my parents, I hated the world and I thought I would never survive it. Slowly so very fucking slowly I forced myself to face the truth, he was the only man ever inside of me Phil, he is the devil on my back and tonight I'm getting rid of him. I want you inside of me, I want to know what it feels like when it is about love and not pain. I need you to show me the beauty of letting go and being free." He sits up and his shaking hands hold my head searching my eyes. I kiss him lightly. "Soon I'll let you talk I promise, first I need to do a few things." He wipes away at the tears on my face as I wipe his own and he nods. I know it is hard for him not to speak but I honestly am not sure I want to hear his words of comfort yet.

Instead I slide the jacket from his body followed by his shirt. "You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen Phil, every line, every curve, every scar is perfection. So beautiful, I am in awe every time I see your body." His lip trembles and confusion clouds those eyes, so I lean down and place kisses along his straight edge tattoo, "beautiful, perfection, striking, handsome, lovely, pretty" with each word I kiss a scar on his chest, his back, his stomach, his arms, even when he starts to cry I ignore his tears and keep going, he trembles as my lips trace his the scars on his wrist. My eye meets his "intelligent, smart, witty, sarcastic, talented, loyal, and very very lovable." I slip his pants and boxers off, continuing my exploration of his body making sure I don't miss a mark or scar. He trembles and cries but never once does he look away from me. With every kiss, every stroke of my tongue I compliment him, I use every word I can think of to express to him what I think. Then I start over again from the top down, I repeat this several times, reinforcing my words doing my best to force London from his mind. He may only believe me for the night but damn it he is going to believe me. I finally placed my hands over his heart.

"You are my fate, you are my everything, you make the world make sense when it is upside down, and when you hurt I want to take away your pain, when you are happy I want to rejoice with you, you are the light to me, there is nothing in you that is dark, You are my other half, my completion, the perfect opposite of me. I have never loved anyone the way I love you, I promise for the rest of our lives every day to pick you up, to praise you, to honor our relationship and our love. Never will you need, or want, never will you suffer. I will always chase you and when you are lost I will always find you. Alls you have to do is let me Phil, just let me love you Phil and let me heal you." He nods at me, his sobs increasing and I just wrap my arms around him and hold on, never have I seen him cry like this and he clings to me. I just whisper praise, compliments, and love into his ear. I pull back and look at him, "Do you see me as dirty?' immediately his eyes widen and he shakes his head. "But how can you not I was raped, so I must be dirty, worthless, no one should ever want me, love me, or desire me I don't deserve those things." He shakes his head no keeping to his silence though I see it is a struggle. "If I'm not those things, if you love me, then how are you those things? You can speak if you want." He just looks even more confused, and he goes to open his mouth but more sobs just come out. "How Phil how are you those things?"

"I'm not, I'm not" he whisper and I think I may have just broken through, it may be a small victory but I am fucking going to scream it from the rooftops. "I'm not, I'm not those things, and you're not either. Why didn't you ever tell me Scott, why keep that to yourself?"

"We all have our shame, and I carry mine also. I now know there is no shame in my story, thanks to you I know that it was never my fault. Your love showed me the truth in me." I capture his lips and kiss him with as much tenderness as I can, making sure he knows I love him.

"Help me heal" he whisper against my lips and I nod shedding my clothes "you are perfect too." I nod and smile lying beside of him.

"I know" I state and he giggles at my cockiness "I happen to have the body of a Greek god" He nods in agreement his hand stroking my skin. "What are you Phil? What do you see?" His hand stills and then he smiles.

"Tonight I'm a skinny punk white boy, who has tattoo's and pretty legs, and a cute ass. Tonight I think I'm beautiful." My hands shake as I stroke his cheek.

"Not just tonight, forever." He gives me a small look and then nods and then gives me that gentle smile. I take him then, slow and gentle, showing him all the desire, lust and need I have for this man. It is never hurried, we make love and then he takes me. He is tentative and I think more afraid then I am, but in the end we are both left undone. Once we both caught our breath, once my tears stop, and his do too. I stand and pull his sweaty body up with mine. Wandering to the stereo I find a song and ask him to dance with me. There in the candle light stars shining bright in the Chicago sky our bodies melt together and we sway in each other's arms. It's not graceful, it's not even coordinated hell he may even step on my feet a few times, but holding his nude body to my own we dance. No tightrope to balance on, it may return tomorrow, but for tonight we have this moment.

"Tonight I am letting go Scott, I am cutting out my broken heart and starting fresh and whole, there may be stumbling blocks but I know with you by my side I can survive. I'm letting go at last" I smile and kiss him gently and press my forehead against his singing along with the song a_t last my love has come along__ My lonely days are over and life is like a song At Last the skies above are blue  
>My heart was wrapped up in clovers the night I looked at you I found a dream that I can speak to<br>A dream that I can call my own I found a thrill to press my cheek to A thrill I've never known You smiled and then the spell was cast And here we are in Heaven For you are mine at last_

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading, I almost ended it here but I thought there were too many things left unfinished so there will be a few more chapters, but this is almost finished. Let me know anything you feel needs to be tied up before it ends, don't worry Paul is part of the master plan, PM or review I want your opinions!<strong>

**lamentomori- Can't wait to hear what you think of this and if I turned you on your head again, in a good way or a bad way. Okay loved your D impersonation and I so heard it with a horrible D impression, mainly the one Punk did in the shoot video, damn I need to watch that again. Vacation started today so i may watch it a lot lol. Punk crumbling like a sandcastle is so accurate and I picture Colt as the little boy trying to rebuild him but the waves keep washing him away. The tightrope began as a path through Punk's mind and I think has become the crutch he clings to when unable to deal with his emotions. Cabana is sad that he doesn't get to pass go, or get a biscuit and hopes this chapter helps and he can collect his $200 this time. Colt is working on learning how to persuade and talk to Punk without manipulating but by using Punk's intelligence Coltmuse claims it is much too difficult sometimes and just throwing Punk down and getting what he wants that was is easier!**

**Sub-Pion- I agree there may in fact be progress and that Punk is allowing himself to move forward with tiny little tentative baby steps. Thank you so much for your review!**


	18. Who I Am

Okay so I'm not doing perfect yet but to be honest no one in my position would be, there are going to be set back, times when I fall apart when everything around me seems to crumble, those are the times I can lean on Colt. I still feel the two of us need to have a longer conversation about his past, about mine and the time will come soon enough for now I am just floating in the bliss, letting things just be alright for a change. Though I do admit there are things I still need to deal with, Paul being one of those and the other being my strained relationship with some of the people who care about me. I need to be better about spending time with Chez ad her family, better about spending time with Joe, D, everyone who considers me a friend or a brother, and I need to talk to Hero. I know Colt and Ace are trying to keep it swept under the rug, but it is painfully obvious that the man is unhappy with me and that we need to have a conversation.

With this thought in mind I prepare to go over to Ace's, Colt is hovering repeatedly asking if I'm sure I want to go alone, nope I'm note but I cannot be held captive in my home by Paul any longer. "Colt I love you but I am going to be fine, I'm just going out for a little bit."

"He is still out there though Punkers." I take his hand after tying up the laces to my sneakers.

"I know and hopefully someday he won't be, but it is the middle of the afternoon, the streets are crowded he would be stupid to approach me, and if he does I'll call the cops. I can't live my life being scared of him." Colt nods and walks with me to the front door I give him a light kiss and head out, having a feeling he will most likely follow and that is okay as long as I get to do this with the idea that I am on my own.

I manage to get to Ace's with only a small heart attack, okay slight panic attack. I don't see Paul once but I still feel like he is watching me even if I can't figure out where he is. I knock on the door not wanting a repeat performance of the last time I was here. When there is no answer I pull out my phone and call Ace. Earning he and hero are both at the domain I head there, hoping that Hero won't cause to much of a scene, I'd rather do this behind closed doors but whatever his issue is we need to talk about it sooner than later.

I arrive at the domain and feel eyes on me, I force a smile as I make my way over to Ace, the sling is gone and he seems to be using his arm a little better and for that I am grateful. "Hey Ace, how are you doing? Arm feeling better?" He pulls me into a hug and glances around. "He is not here, well he probably isn't too far behind me, but I told him I wanted to go out on my own." Ace nods and gives me a smile.

"I'm good, doc said not of the damage is permanent, you're lucky for that you little fucker. Glad you decided to get out on your own, you use to be the most independent person I know. Nice to see some of that coming back."

"I still had a small panic attack on the way, felt like he was watching me, Paul not Colt pretty sure Colt is watching me. I just wish colt would be reasonable and listen to my plan I know he doesn't want to put me in harm's way, but I really need Pau out of my life forever and my idea could be a solution." Ace nods and leads me over to his office.

"Ya hungry?" He opens the small mini fridge an upgrade as he used to stash his food in his desk. He pulls out a sandwich and gives me half. I smile remembering all the times I stole his food from him, or from Danny. "What is your plan? Would anyone end up in jail?" I take a bite of my sandwich ad shake my head no.

"Just Paul if everything went right, the only person who would be in trouble is him."

"Okay tell me how that works" I explain my idea and he nods and takes in my words never once voicing an opinion. "Have you run this by Colt?"

"I get to the part where I'm bait and he refuses to listen any longer."

"I can see why, this plan is risky but would have a good pay off if it worked, would it help you or hurt you though?" I shrug unsure what being alone, talking to Paul could do.

"I don't guarantee it wouldn't set me back a little but hell walking out of my apartment could set me back, I think in the long run, the security knowing that Paul is away from me, out of my life would be incredibly helpful to my future." Ace studies me so I focus on the food in my hand forcing it down over the lump in my throat.

"Alright I'll talk to Colt, no promises but I'll see if we can get him on board with this." I smile at him and go to stand he looks at me and then sits back in the office chair. "Go get your gear on, you need to get you ass in the ring for some training, you looked a little sloppy at your last show. I'll send Hero out to spar with you." I raise an eyebrow wondering if that is just going to get me an ass beating. I however follow his instructions, pulling on my shorts and tossing my t-shirt aside I head out to the ring. I notice the place is quitter and that Ace is ushering some people out the door, Colt is here and that doesn't surprise me in the least bit. Once everyone besides Ace, Colt, Hero, and I have left I hear him lock the door and then go over and sit beside of Colt. I approach the ring and slide in between the ropes. Hero stares at me and I hold my hand out to him, he stares down at the olive branch I offer and then ignores it. Alright guess it is brutal honesty time.

"You're an ass if you are going to stand there and judge me, you are a fucker who needs to get over himself. Want to tell me what your fucking problem is?" Hero stares at me for a moment and then shrugs his shoulders and damn it if that doesn't confuse the fuck out of me. "Are you not saying to spare my feelings or because ace told you not to bring it up." He takes a deep breath and suddenly locks up with me.

"Alright you want the truth?" I nod as he forces me into a corner. "I don't understand you, how could you let someone control you so much? How could you let him force you to do that shit? I don't think you are that weak of a person Punk so that just says to me that you liked being a whore. Also you shot the guy I'm hooking up with doesn't make me feel are warm and tingly towards you inside." Okay so I know that part of this was coming, he had been distant since the night of my confession and shooting but I almost hoped it was just because of the fact I shot Ace and nothing more, so the truth hurts and it kind of feels like I'm being kicked in the gut. I know people are not going to be accepting of my past, yet Hero is one of the few people I trust so I guess I need to explain it better to him.

I reverse our positions and give him a few chops before he pushes me back and goes to grab a headlock. "Chris, I've apologized for the Ace situation more times than I can count, I wasn't aiming for him, and I was trying to kill myself not hurt Ace. He has forgiven me, and if anything he has the right to be pissed off about it. So let it go or don't that's your choice, I'm done feeling guilty for it." I take a deep breath and step away from him putting space between the two of us. "Anyone can be broken Hero, even you at the end of the day, you have no clue what you would do in order to survive. I was surviving, it was as simple as that. I did what I had to so at the end of the day I was alive, you can judge me for it, but know this I judge myself more harshly then you ever could. If you choose not to be my friend that's fine, but we have the same friends the same family, they understand my choices my actions so maybe you could consider that they are all reasonable people and just maybe they understand and love me despite it all." He stares at me and I stare back and this is harder then I want it to be looking a friend in the eye shouldn't seem this difficult.

"If Ace paid you for sex how quickly would you spread your legs?" I see both Ace and Colt tense but I wave them off.

"I wouldn't, I'm not like that" I cringe when he invades my space trying to hold my ground, I'm in the ring I remind myself this is my domain and I can kick Hero's ass if I need to.

"Once a whore always a whore" I react instantly punching him hard in the jaw. He is down and I am hovering over him.

"I am not a whore, I have never been paid for sex, if Paul was paid then that is on him. You may think you are better than me but I will not allow you to disrespect me, you want to judge me be my guest I've spent my life with people judging me, you want to throw insults in my face then watch your fucking back because I will kick your fucking ass fucker! I am in love with Colt and am spending the rest of my life with the man, if you have issues with that take it up with Colt it was his brilliant idea." My hand is pinned on Hero's arm keeping him down and he looks at me with a small smirk before I know it words are gone and we are just wrestling. It's been a while since I have felt this adrenaline, this natural rhythm in the ring with anyone and Hero brings out the best of me. Neither one of us hold back and after thirty minutes of all out brawling we both collapse into separate corners.

"I'll learn to deal with it and figure it out, it was nice to see the old Punk come out for a moment I thought you were going to rip my head off. I miss that guy, he was a pretty awesome friend." I close my eyes sliding from the ring and walking over to Colt.

"That guy doesn't exist anymore Hero, so if you are holding your breath waiting for him to come back it's not going to happen, I am who I am now, my actions, my decisions have changed me and I don't think it is all for the worst. I want you as a friend but I don't need friends who think I'm nothing but a whore, or who are waiting for me to change back to some previous version of myself. So if you decided to accept me then give me a call, if not then we run in the same circles so let's remember to be civil." I go to the locker room and change back walking to the front door I give ace a quick hug and grab Colt's hand deciding he can walk home with me. As we leave I hear Ace's voice loud and clear and look back to see him poking Hero in the chest.

When we arrive home Colt is quiet for a long time deeply sighing but not speaking. "Okay what the hell is in your head that you are so lost in thought?" Colt looks up at me from his place on the couch.

"I feel like we need to have a talk." I force a smile sitting on the coffee table across from him.

"If I was a chick I would think you were breaking up with me after that statement instead I am going to assume you want to talk about some serious shit and you don't know how to start the conversation." HE nods and I wait quiet for him to reveal what is going on in his mind.

"Well I guess to start everything with Hero how are you honestly handling it?" I shrug and decide honesty is the best policy here.

"Not well, the truth is I love Hero he is my brother and his opinion matters a lot to me. For him to call me a whore hurt, but there is some truth in his words. I'm just trying to remember your words over London's so that I don't over react." Colt smiles at me and I wonder why.

"You always call him Paul, hearing him referred to as London from your lips is kind of odd." I consider this and can't help but chuckle.

"You alls are rubbing off on me, plus he means nothing to me beside hurt, pain and fear. London doesn't deserve the time of day I've given him. I know it may take time but I hope Hero and I get back to a friendship." Colt takes my hands and I lean forward kissing him lightly, with my free hand I run my fingers along the worry line in his forehead trying to sooth it away.

"I'm proud of how you handled yourself today, I know it's difficult for you to handle but you did so in a way I haven't seen it a while. Do you honestly believe the old Punk is gone?" I nod at him but smile at the same time.

"He is gone, but it's not a bad thing. I'm different as a person, I think I'm better as a person with what I've been through I have more compassion, patience, understanding, and the ability to love with more intensity. I'm not saying I don't have some of who I used to be inside of me, some of my more flattering traits still exist my sarcasm, my blatant disregard for authority, it's all still here. I'm just a much different person, and somehow stronger as a person. I'm not saying I'm magically cured and healed, I'm just willing to face my past and deal with it. I still have nightmares, flashbacks, and a rampant paranoia but I know I can get through it all. It may take time but I can and will survive all of this and be stronger for it. Can I ask you something?" Colt squeezes my hand and gives me a look that says of course. "How did you get over what happened, how did you move on from it?"

"I told you my parents sent me away, well let's just say it was a place that offered a lot of therapy, which I needed. It took a while, didn't occur over night and the first few relationships I attempt after well alls I did was fall apart any time it became intimate, I dealt with it all differently then you did. Wallowing in pity, focusing on the negative feelings, taking it to a different extreme instead of skipping through feelings like they are a field of daisies I got stuck in them. It took a long time and I can say honestly there are times I use my humor to cover what I am feeling and how it still effects me." I take in his word and slide form the table onto his lap making myself comfortable.

"No hiding from me right?" Colt nods at me and I we sit in silence for a long time. I am almost drifting off to sleep when his voice brings me back.

"I give in, we'll go with your plan, Ace told me all about it, I don't like it but I give, if this is what you need then we will make it happen." I can't help but smile despite the fear that flashes in my mind this could all go wrong and I could end up very hurt, or someone I love could end up hurt.

My brilliant plan is how I found myself at Colt's parent's cabin, awaiting Paul's arrival, for all purposes alone. Waiting for my abuser, my rapist, my enemy hoping nothing goes wrong and I make it out of this unscathed.

The tightrope broke beneath us, the threads that had been holding us up for so long now gone. Now we float, fall gracefully towards the clouds below. Our hands intertwined, yet at the same time we seemed to be pulling apart some unseen presence separating us. Falling, floating, sinking, gravity not our friend. Our landing unknown, and I wonder will we have our answer, our happy ending, or will the evil prince be victorious, my eyes meet Colt's and I try to tell him how much I love him. He squeezes my hand and then a light fills the darkness and I turn my head to see the door to the cabin open, fury, anger, and lust fill the eyes of the man before me and I think perhaps this was the worst plan I've ever had.

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><p><strong>Thank you everyone for reading, this is kind of just a filler chapter to set up the next one which will also be Punk POV, and I believe the last one beside an epilogue in Colt POV. <strong>

**Lamentomori- Yes there is more lol, I couldn't allow it to end without London getting his, someway, somehow. I feel like I need to put someone with Ace and Joe is such a man whore, and D is so D that it tends to end up being Hero. I'm not entirely sure I see it either but the couple is slowly growing on me. Cabana never picks his moments well that kind of what makes him, well him. I like the blanket nest also I could just picture the nest in my head. I think Colt was intimacy issue, it is why he never pursued Punk or acknowledge his feelings for him, the rape affects him but in many different ways then Punk. We will see more of Punk's opinion and real thoughts in the next chapter, and to tie in all the religious imagery what I hope is a rebirth for Punk. I'm not sure if they are going to kill London, Punkmuse hasn't even let me in on the complete plan. More coming soon, vacationing is wonderful though, but writing is coming lol.**

**Guest- I cried a little when I wrote it, I was trying to go with the idea of Colt healing Punk, kind of creating a cocoon and encouraging a metamorphosis for Punk to emerge from whole. I think it worked at least I hope so.**


	19. Baptize Me

How did I end up in the cabin facing off with the one man capable of breaking me, it was all my brilliant plan, my stupid, moronic, fool proof plan. The only thing I didn't factor in was the fact that I would feel this way, I can honestly say there is no love left now that I know what love is supposed to be. The fear, self-doubt, and helplessness almost overwhelm me as soon as I see London, however what stands out the most is anger, a burning gut wrenching anger like I have never known but I swallow that down needing him to believe I am the same old Punk. I need him to think I am weak and pathetic not so furious I want nothing more than to see London's blood on my hands.

It all started when Colt agreed to my master plan, a plan to draw out London, to let him think my life was falling apart and that I would turn to him. So for the last week Colt and I have been fighting in places where he could see, or hear about it. Fake fighting leads too many things include the best fake makeup sex ever, I've always had smaller fights with Ace, London needs to think I'm alienating everyone and everything to the point I would possibly turn to London. Hell Colt and I even had a fight at a ROH show knowing he still has friend's backstage, people who think I'm just over reacting though they don't come out and say it to my face. Only problem with pretend fighting is that some times in the heat of a moment you say something you shouldn't something you mean and the other person knows it. The truth is I have never had a filter between my mouth and my brain, so words tend to tumble out when I don't think things through.

I may have yelled at Colt something I regret but he is stubbornly refusing to let me apologize for or take back, I know my words stung I am just hoping he'll let it go quickly. I may have told him he was over bearing, that he needed to get a life and stop living through me, and that he was way to content living in my shadow. I mean I know at the beginning I rode his coat tails to get shows, but now he follow my foot steps and he is so much better than that, he is so talented I just don't want him to be complacent with being my support system, my storyline. I love this man and I want more for him, even if I'm still not one hundred percent he needs to get back to work fulltime, get back to his life. However my mouth did not explain it this way so last night he slept in the spare bedroom and this morning despite everything he refuse to talk to me, all the way to the cabin he sat silently brooding. I tried several times to say I'm sorry but before the words could leave my mouth he would snap headphones on or just glare at me.

When we arrive at the cabin Ace pulls me aside "You know it has nothing to do with what you said, he is angry but not at that." I give him a confused look and cross my arms unsure what he is talking about.

"What else does he have to be mad about?" Ace laughs and throws an arm around my shoulder.

"Look at where we are, look at what we have planned, he is angry at himself for agreeing to this plan, he is afraid for you, his fear is coming out as anger. He thinks you are going to get hurt and no matter how close we are to you the fear is in all of us. He is just taking it out on you the only way he knows how." I sigh and glance back into the living room Colt is pacing double checking everything, and I see what Ace is saying.

"I'm scared too but I need him out of my life, I need to be able to live without looking over my shoulder, I need to be able to walk down the street and know he isn't watching me. If I don't attempt this, if I don't have freedom from him I am going to be stuck, so stuck and I refuse for him to keep me stuck." Ace brings me into a hug and I close my eyes absorbing the warmth and love in his embrace.

"We all understand that Punkers, we just need you to be prepared, which is why I'm going to let you have something in my presence I swore I never would again." Ace pulls a gun from the back of his waist band and places it in my hand I stare at the metal, cold, powerful, and deadly.

"I don't want him dead, prison is not something I can picture in my head. This is not what today is about, today is about finding freedom."

"I know that but having a little protection will not hurt you, I know you shot me but have you ever used a gun before then." I shake my head and he leads me towards the tree line, "aim, focus, and squeeze the trigger gently." I raise the gun up aiming with a shaky hand at a tree, "take a deep breath, relax, and focus. You know that moment in the ring where everything is clicking, the audience, your opponent, it's just perfect and for a moment it seems to go into slow motion, everything is easy, find that place in your mind and aim." I swallow and focus finding that place, my hands stops shaking and everything becomes so clear I pull the trigger and the bullet hits into the bark on the tree, I see faces appear in the doorway and stand watching as I empty the gun. When it is over Ace reloads and places it in my hand "Have it nearby, someplace you can get to it if you need to, I know you can't have it on you but keep it close Punk and don't let your guard down. Focus on what he has done to you, not on what you use to feel for him. Do not let yourself fall for his bullshit or feel sorry for him, stay in the moment and don't let the past over take you." I nod and then strong arms wrap around my waist, I push the gun back at Ace and turn snuggling into Colt's arms. My fingers grip the fabric of his t-shirt and I feel myself tremble, or maybe it is him trembling. I think we stand like this for several minutes neither one of us speaking, I finally reluctantly pull back and wipe at my face,

"We don't have to do this" I smile at him wiping the tears from his eyes and give him a gentle kiss, he wraps his hand around the back of my head refusing to let go, he deepens the kiss and I respond allowing him into my mouth, his tongue traces every inch, and I wonder if he is memorizing me. "I love you, I hate feeling like this, feeling so helpless, just be alright okay." I nod and run my fingers across his face. "I like living in your shadow being the one you come to, being the strength you need. I'm sorry is I've been suffocating you I'll do better."

"I love you, and we are doing this so I can stop living in London's shadow, we are going to be free from him and then we both get out of the shadows Colt, I can be strong for you too, I can encourage and support you. We are both going to shine in whatever we want to do, I promise at the end of today things are going to be so much better." I see his trepidation at my words but he just holds me a little tighter. "Give me the phone and go inside" Colt reluctantly lets me go handing me the disposable cell, I don't want to have to chance my number again so this seemed like the best way. Colt walks away and I stare at the phone, closing my eyes I take a deep breath and then dial. Paul of course doesn't answer, he'll never answer a number he doesn't know but will check voice mail immediately. So with a shaky voice I leave a message. "Hey Paul it's me, could you give me a call back at this number as soon as possible." I know he is home right now, if he had moved Joe would of called, Joe who is keeping a close eye on the man to make sure this part of the plan goes off without a hitch. Within a few seconds the phone rings and I stare at the screen wondering if I should back out forcing my voice to sound shaky and upset is not difficult I accept the call and lace the phone to my ear. "Hello."

"Punk to what do I owe the pleasure of hearing from you." I take a deep breath and close my eyes hating what I am about to say.

"Colt and I are all wrong for each other, all we do is fight and I miss you, I miss us, I'm so sorry for leaving. Colt and I were at his parents cabin and we had a huge fight, he left me here I was hoping you would come get me, bring me home with you where I belong, I need you Paul please." I close my eyes and wait knowing the answer may be rather hurtful.

"So the bore finally realized what a useless pathetic slut you are, took him long enough. What makes you think I want you back Punk, that I should race way the hell out there to get you?" I swallow hard I knew I would have to beg make it seem like a huge favor for me.

"Please Paul, please I'll do anything just take me back, come get me."

"Anything Punk, is that a promise, no bitching, no complaining, anything I want from you?"

"Yes Paul anything, just come get me please." There is a long pause and I wait my hand clutching the phone so tight that I'm surprised it doesn't break.

"Fine I'll get there when I get there, be ready because before I take you anywhere you are going to show me how much you missed me. Now be a good boy and tell me you love me."

"I love you" I try my hardest not to say this with clenched teeth, I feel nauseated by the words.

"Good bitch, see you when I feel like it" as soon as he hangs up I toss the phone and lean over trying to calm my body and not throw up, it doesn't work and I rush into the house pushing past Colt to the bathroom. I empty my stomach, once I am finished I press back against Colt behind me. We sit in silence for a few minutes before I stand and rinse my mouth out in the sink. Then we go back to the living room, ace is just getting off the phone and Hero hands me a Pepsi, I give him a small smile and take several deep swallows.

"That was Joe, London just left and is headed this way. Didn't take him long."

"He wants to beat the shit out of me, remind me where I belong, that I am nothing more then his dirty little whore. He'll head this way but take his time, make sure I'm nervous as hell, show how unimportant I am to him so we have probably three of four hours. Joe going to follow him up here?" Ace nods and sits on the couch, the plan for them is to leave in about an hour, it take longer then that to get here but in order for them to be in the right place and for it to look like I'm alone they need to get the cars out of here. Ace hands me the gun again and I put it inside the desk, its close enough for me to get to, though I have no plans on using it. I then walk over to Hero and look at him, studying him. "Why are you here, don't get me wrong I'm grateful just curious." He looks slightly ashamed and glances at the ground.

I'm here to support you, I'm sorry for acting the way I did and what I said. I may not agree with what you did but you are still my friend and I still love you. Ace may have pointed out that my reaction was jealousy because of how close you are to Ace. He then reminded me that you're like his son, and that even if he ever thought you were attractive that he would never think of you that way now. So once again I'm very sorry." I nod and give him a quick hug and then pull back and glance at Ace.

"You found me attractive at one point." He shrugs and I see Colt narrow his eyes at the man.

"I think everyone who knows you does or has, you have an odd charm and desirability but now you're just my annoying little brother who sometimes needs his ass spanked." I laugh and turn back to Hero.

"Well if you are really sorry then you'll do me a favor and slug me." He looks surprised and I sigh knowing this is going to be difficult. "London will expect that if Colt and I got into a fight as big as I told him, that Colt would have reacted similarly to him, he'll expect something and since I can't ask Colt to do this I'm asking you. One shot and make sure to leave a mark." He glances at Colt and Ace and then wrinkles his nose. I know both of them are not happy with the idea and I go to turn to convince Colt that it is needed when I'm caught with a hard punch to the jaw, I stagger back and wince, putting my hand to the spot and groaning. Colt is off of the couch and in an instant in Hero's face, I pull him back my arms tight around him. "I asked him too, I asked Colt let it go." My overbearing love growls but stalks back to the couch I go to sit beside of him and ace appears with an ice bag I take it from him but place it on the coffee table having no intention to se it that would make the punch pointless.

I snuggle into his side and wait for when they need to leave, I don't ant them to but I think I need time alone to get my head on straight. This is my plan and it is going to work it has to work, I just hope it doesn't end in a bloody mess. A call from Joe has the guys moving, he passed the half way point so its time for them to disappear though they won't be far away, in fact Ace and Colt will be hiding in the woods, listening while Hero takes the car and hides it. I glance at Colt and see the fear as he pulls me close, "I love you" I whisper and he nods kissing me several times before Ace pulls him away, he lets go reluctantly and strokes my jaw gently. Ace gives me a bear hug and so does Hero, before they all walk out the door Colt glances back and I force a smile hoping that this isn't the last time I see him.

I pace and I wait watching as the sun starts to set, I hear the car on the old dirt road long before he arrives, I walk over and turn on all of the security, camera's, listening devices, everything the guys set up. Expensive shit that Colt purchased to go through with this plan, I then go and stand by the desk although I think it will do me no good I have no plan to use that gun. The door opens and his shadow fills the doorway, lighted by the setting sun. My breath catches but I push down the fear and focus on the anger as he approached I try not to lash out at him. "What are you doing here?" He stops a few feet away from confusion crossing his face.

"You called me Punk, asked me to come here, why the fuck are you asking that?" I take a step back away from him.

"I didn't call you, I would never call you and request you come here. I have a restraining order against you London, get the hell out before I cause the police." He growls and approaches as I back away quickly.

"What kind of game you playing you little fucking whore, you begged me to come here, hell you offered to do anything and I am going to make sure you keep your word. Come here you little bitch, stop trying to get away from me." He lunges and grabs my arm yanking me close, I push at him as he tries to kiss me turning my head away.

"Stop get off of me, you are hurting me, just stop." Paul laughs pulling at my shirt with one hand and with the other hand his fingers press into the swelling and bruise on my jaw.

"Your boyfriend do that to you? Told you he would get tired of your ass." I shake my head trying to pull away, push down my desire to attack struggle against his grip, keep up the façade, although the fear is becoming more prominent and I honestly want his hands off me now.

"He's not my boyfriend, he is for all legal purposes my husband now, let me go!" Yup there is his tipping point, I knew that would push his buttons but I had no clue how quickly. He has me pinned against the wall, his hands around my throat squeezing, and I drag my nails across his hands trying to draw a breath.

"Bitch, you lying fucking bitch, I am going to make you remember who you belong too. You're mine, and no one is ever going to touch you again, even if I have to fucking kill you. You are going to remember your place." I cringe as he finally releases my throat his hands going to my pants I gasp for breath as he tried to undo my belt.

"Stop, stop it I don't want this, get the hell off me." I know Colt is probably chopping on the bit but he promised to stay out until I screamed, if he rushed in now then we wouldn't have enough. I shove him away from my body, using the anger I am still trying to hold on to. I stumble towards the desk, thinking maybe having the gun closer would be good. Paul tackles me onto the floor a few feet from the desk, and punches connected with my side and my back, I put my hands protectively over my head.

"Stop fighting me, you know you want this, you know you missed it. Hell you always whined and complained when we had sex always demanded I stop, begged, pleaded, cried no. You were so pathetic. Does Colt find you as pathetic as I do? Do you accuse him of raping you, or haven't you forgotten your pace Punk, you are met to be on your back with your legs spread, or on your knees begging for more so fucking stop fighting me." I slam my head back and catch him in the chin stunning him slightly, it dazes him enough that I can crawl from beneath him and grab the draw on the desk my hand searches for the gun and I wrap my fingers around the handle, as I do he is grabbing me by my hair, the strains protest as he uses it to fling me backwards onto the ground. He is straddling me, unaware of the weapon I clutch in my fingers. He slams my head back a few times and then presses his lips into mine. I turn my head and that gets me punched and as his fingers work on my jeans I bring the gun between us pressing the barrel into his stomach.

"Get off of me" I hiss when he glances down I see fear in his eyes for the first time, and a small amount of gratification fills me. He backs away carefully and I pull myself into a sitting position the gun aimed at him.

"Punk we both now you won't use it, so put the gun down. You're not capable of hurting anyone so put the gun down and we can talk about this." My body is trembling maybe from the adrenaline, maybe it's from the desire I have to flee, but it still trembles all except the hand in which I hold the gun it is steady and sure even with the cloudiness in my mind.

"Shut up, I really have no desire to hear a fucking word you have to say. I am so done with you, so done with this. I should pull this trigger, I should get you out of my life forever. It would be self-defense, you broke a restraining order, and you attacked me I would have every right to defend myself." His eyes widen and then he flings himself on me, the gun trapped between our hands as we struggle. I finally just scream knowing it will get me help, I want him off me, I want him gone, I want out of this house. I hear the rushing footsteps and the struggle between us over the gun continues. The blast rings through the cabin, and I have no clue where it comes from but I am able to shove Paul off of me, he stares at me wide eyes and I look around. The gun is still in my hand, and I cannot understand where the loud booming noise came from. Ace is on top of Paul in a heart beat and Colt is beside me, his hand on my stomach and I wonder why it is so cold in here. Where all the heat in the room went, Colt is saying my name and I look at him in confusion. I look down to where Colt's hand is pulling up my t-shirt, blood a lot of blood, crimson, shiny, coats my shirt and I place a hand down running it across my stomach. Colt is lifting the fabric and I push his hand away looking to where Paul is. "It's not me, it's not my blood." Colt glances to where Ace is, our mentor's hand pressing against London's abdomen, blood seeping through.

"Call an ambulance" Ace states as I watch as London's skin takes on a pale color, his breathing is so odd and I stare down at my own hands, the red on my shirt and think to myself, really wonder why I am always cleansed in blood.

I stand by the river behind the cabin watching the water, the police have come and gone. They took a copy of the video, it shows the self-defense, it proves so much and if Paul lives he will be charged. Strong arms wrap around me, "you need to clean up Punk." I turn and stare into his eyes, glancing down I am still covered with blood, his, mine, blood. The essence of life, and it is purifying me, cleansing me from my sins. I'm not sure Colt could understand why I believe this but I turn from him and walk into the river, watching as I step deeper as the blood swirls with the water. Colt is right behind me and I am sure he is afraid I am trying to drown myself. My past, my despair, my anger flowing away with the blood into the water. I sink down slowly, Colt behind me as I lower my head into the water his hands pull me up and I turn to look at him. I wrap my legs around his waist and smile. He brushes the wet strands of hair from my face his lips brushing the bruises on my face. "I love you, everything is going to be alright."

"Scott everything's great, I'm free, we are free and for the first time in so long I feel capable of just living, not looking over my shoulder just living. I love you, I will always love you. I have no regrets, none, what happened today had to happen at some point. So now looking forward to my future, to our future." I pull his lips to mine and lower us both down into the water and as it rushes over our head he deepens the kiss. I think of this relationship, how much we've had to fight and how it was baptized by fire, blood, and water and now maybe together we can just be.

The net that breaks our fall, it's a tapestry one hidden from our eyes for so long, it's our story, each line stitched with our path, pain, love, anger, seduction, all of creates a wonderful blanket, softly cradling us, keeping us wrapped safely in each other's embrace, it's the story of our lives, with empty spaces left for the the story we have yet to write.

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><p><strong>Thank you so much for reading this, I hope you are all enjoying, please remember to review, love it, hate it, think it is just the worst let me now I value your opinions.<strong>

**Lamentomori- I think this will be a happy ending, at least from where I plan on going now happy ending should occur, unless Colt's issues rear his head and he decided to let go of Punk. I think Hero and he have come to a closure in this chapter. Punk I believe has learned that in order to go forward he has to stop living in the past and I think this whole chapter was about closure, finding the place he can be himself and love who he has become. Colt is always going to catch Punk, as long as the stubborn man allows him too, hell Colt will prevent the fall if he is allowed. Alright Cabana cute face, your Punk is okay no bashing on rocks! I didn't take your Punk away, or hurt him too badly.**


	20. Strong Enough?

Punk is doing better, he is healing it is a slow process but every day I see the little steps he is making, we are making forward. In his journey I have found my own healing, my own peace with my past. It's not all roses we both still have our thorns but together we are able to overlook the wounds. There are still a few things left to deal with though, one of them being the ax hanging over our heads, Punk shooting Paul was never part of the plan, it was about blackmail, getting him to stay away and so now everything could fall apart, if the police believe Punk intentionally shot Paul charges could be brought, if they learned we lured the man there, or believe Paul about ti then Punk could be screwed and facing prison time. These thoughts are not pleasant and apparently Punk has chosen to not acknowledge any of this when I bring it up he brushes it aside, telling me London is out of our lives and that he is not letting the man affect his life any longer.

With that in mind I find myself at a coffee shop with Ace, conspiring behind Punk's back to keep the idiot safe and out of prison. Neither one of us a hundred percent sure how to accomplish this but I have a thought in mind. "Is London still in the hospital?" Ace shakes his head and I wonder how the man always seems to know these things, hell I wonder how he seems to know everything before anyone else.

"He was discharged a few days ago, t was touch and go at first but the bastard pulled through I'm guessing he is at home recovering. I'm surprised the police haven't showed up at your door to talk to Punk." I stand and nod towards the street he follows me and once we are outside I start heading towards London's place. It is time for me to have a conversation with the man, we've handled this Punk' way for too long now we are handling my way. Punk wants the man gone, well I'm going to ensure the man so much as looks at Punk again. Ace doesn't speak as we walk and it gives me time to thin over what I am going to say. "It's time for Punk's sake to put an end to all of this Ace, and even though I would love to put the man in the ground, hurt him, make him disappear forever that is bound to come back at us so now I am going to handle this a different way. If you could have my back make sure he doesn't stab me when I am not looking I would appreciate it." Ace studies me and then grabs the door to the apartment building, opening it for me and following me inside.

I nock on the apartment door although I technically still have a key from when Punk was first living here so if London hasn't changed the locks then I could get in without him opening the door but this isn't about charging in this is a conversation man to man, a long overdue conversation. When the door opens, he immediately goes to close it and I put my foot in the way to top him. "Look I'm not here to start anything I have an offer for you, one you are going to want to listen to. Then I will go, no violence, nobody gets hurt, a conversation Paul."

"Why the fuck should I listen to anything you have to say?" Well that's a good question and if I were in his shoes I would be calling the police now.

"It's simple it could keep you out of jail, and keep all of this quiet I've heard rumors WWE is sniffing around you, if that's true all of this being front page news could destroy you." He doesn't speak but does open the door allowing us into his apartment. HE slowly makes his way to the couch and I feel some satisfaction at the discomfort he is obviously in. Ace stands behind me, neither of us want to be here, in fact we would much rather be beating the fuck out of the man but this is about ending it all, Punk hell even myself being free of this man..

"What the hell do you want?" I want you dead is the thought that pops into my head instead I take a deep breath and give him the ideal of a lifetime.

"It's very simple really, I'm going to ensure that there are no charges brought against you and the restraining order disappears, you are going to make sure that Punk is in the clear and then never speak to him, see, him, or hell look at him again. You are also going to move, leave Chicago and never come back, you have no ties here besides Punk and that will be gone."

"Why the fuck would I do that?" I smile and pull a check from my pocket I place it on his coffee table.

"For two reasons one I am going to give you enough money to start over, to live very comfortably, and two if you don't I will make sure that your name is on the front page of every newspaper for attempted murder, assault, and rape. I will get Punk to testify and at the end of the day any deal that the WWE is offering would disappear, your career would be over, your family would know just who you are and you would go to jail. It's really your choice London, except what I am offering or have your life be ruined." He swallows hard and picks up the check his eyes widening.

"You don't have this kind of money!"

"Yes I do, hell that's not even a drop in the bucket of what I have, don't assume just because I chose to earn what I have, to work my way to the top I'm broke. I just have respect for doing it right, something you will never understand. Now I do not want to be around you for longer then I need to so do we have a deal?" He looks at me and then the check in his hand before giving me a quick nod. "Good and so things move along quickly I contacted your landlord and informed him Punk was breaking his lease and would be out by the end of the week. That gives you five days to get out of here and the hell out of Chicago. If you're not gone than Punk shooting you will seem like child's play, I have enough money I can make it look like an accident." With that I storm from the apartment, trying not to kill the man that supposedly loved Punk so much I could buy him off. Ace follows me and as we get into his car to head home he glances over at me.

"So why didn't you buy him off months ago?" I snort and cross my arms over my chest.

"Punk wanted to deal with it his way, we tried his way it didn't work. Not to mention I didn't think it would work, and on top of it I'm going to have to explain to my parents where a large sum of money from my trust fund went. I would have rather made him fucking disappear but the first person the police would look at would be Punk and I don't feel like doing that to him, as it is he is going to be pissed I interfered."

"Yeah probably he will be, his stubborn streak is almost as bad as yours," I sigh and give Ace a look he just laughs and puts the car into drive.

I push open the door to our apartment my arms loaded down with grocery bags, Ace walks in behind me carrying his whole two bags. I shoot him an evil look and take in the scene in my home, Joe and Hero are playing a video game, Punk isn't in the room but I follow his voice softly singing to the kitchen where he is hovering over the stove cooking. I place the bags down and walk up behind him wrapping my arms around him, he leans back against me and I kiss the side of his neck. "Smells good" he turns in my arms and kisses me lightly.

"Thanks, where have you been? I woke up from my nap to find you gone, and those two yahoo's fighting like teenage girls." The image that creates makes me chuckle, I glance back into the living room and see that no one is paying attention so I kiss Punk again, making it deeper, passionate, drawing it out, trying to distract him, but also knowing it may be a few days before I am forgiven for interfering, and for asking what I am of him. He finally pulls back and raises his eyebrow, his thin lips drawn into a frown. "What did you do?" Okay so the man knows my guilty kisses, and I should be mindful of trying to pull something over him in the future.

"Something you may not like, I went and saw London, I made him an offer and he agreed to my terms, he is leaving ton and making sure no charges are brought against you, and he is never going to come near you again." That raised eyebrow seems to arch higher and he takes a step back, crossing his arms over his chest.

"A deal, and what exactly is my end of this deal? What did you offer him?" I step away to give him some space.

"You drop all charges against him, you drop the restraining order. He has an offer from WWE, he can't afford to have a record." He shakes his head and walks across the kitchen entering the living room, he pulls on his sneakers and grabs his keys. "Where are you going?"

"For a run Cabana, how much money did you give him?" My Punk knows me too well, I almost think lying to him in the future is pointless.

"It's not important Punk, he'll be gone that's all that matters."

"How much?"

"One hundred thousand, now can we just let it go?" He storms over and shoves me very lightly but it's enough to portray how pissed he is.

"It was my choice, mine, and I would have dealt with the consequences, but you just took it away from me, what right do you have to offer him something you cannot guarantee, what right do you have to take the chance of justice away from me? He'll do this to someone else, he'll hurt someone else, and how do I deal with that knowing what kind of man he is and just letting him walk away, hell walk away with a lot of money. Did you even think about that, if I drop the charges he goes on to the WWE and gets a whole fan base to pick from as his next victim? You're the one, you who made me deal with this, you made me see what he did, who made me fucking feel this shit and now you are taking away the one chance I have to take my power. What were you thinking? Were you even fucking thinking?" He's poking me in the chest with his finger as he rants at me, and I do my best to keep the smile off my face that is threatening, this Punk with the fire, the passion, the anger it's been so long since I've seen a glimpse of him, it's nice to know that a part of him still exists.

"I don't care about anyone else, I'm sorry if they get involved with London but that is not my problem, the only thing I was thinking about is you, is us, and I may be a selfish ass but I am done watching hi hurt you. I'm sorry if you think I'm taking something from you, but damn it Punk your way isn't working, it hasn't been, alls it seems to do is put people in the fucking hospital after you shoot them. So I took control of the situation and I fixed it, he's gone isn't that what you've wanted, your free of him. You can be pissed all you want but at the end of the day I did what I think is the right thing, just like you've been doing what you think is right." An annoying blaring noise flows from the kitchen and he pushes past me, rushing into the kitchen. I watch as he yanks the pot off the stove and tosses it into the sink, shaking his hand he switches on the cold water and sticks his hand underneath hissing. I go to walk over and he shakes his head at me.

"Stay the fuck away from me" I move a little closer so I can the hand but don't touch him. The smoke alarm subsides and the deafening quiet fills the room, the only noise the splashing of water in the sink. The TV silent in the living room, the guys I'm sure have either left, or are waiting for something to happen. 'I don't think your strong enough to be with me" whoa, what where in the hell did that come from. "See I'm unpredictable ninety nine percent of the time, I do things because I want to, not because it's expected of me. I'm irrational, I don't care, I get so angry I fucking cry, I breakdown, and the person who loves me, who really loves me knows they can't fix me, they just have to go with the flow. I've been controlled, and I've had enough of it to last a life time, what you did today was controlling, you took away any option I had because it suited you and it fixed things. I'm not saying you would ever intentionally hurt me, I'm not even saying that what you did was wrong, and it was probably right in more ways than I want to admit. I'm just curious if you're strong enough to just love me." He doesn't give me a chance to answer before rushing out of the kitchen, he's at the door before I can collect myself. "Running" he snaps and then he is gone and I stare unsure of what the hell just happened, I knew he would be angry but not like this. My phone goes off and I see it's a text for Punk. _Just let me be alone tonight, give me a little space._ I guess he is letting me know this is one of those times I shouldn't chase after him, despite every fiber of my being telling me too.

Joe, Ace, and Hero come out of the spare bedroom after he leaves, they all try to offer me comfort but none of it helps, it's almost one am when it dawns on me I have grocery's on the kitchen table I go to take care of them, throwing the ice cream in the sink, it's a melted mess and apparently wouldn't have appeased Punk in the first place. After all the groceries are put away or thrown out I return to sitting on the couch staring at the door, about an hour later my phone goes off again. I grab it quickly despite the fact it startled the hell out of me, I see it's Punk and brace myself for the message. _Come down to the pool._ I stand and am out the door before Ace or anyone can question where I am going. I walk into the dimly lit pool area and see him sitting on the edge his feet dangling in the water, he glances at me and I breathe a sigh the anger is gone and there is another look almost hopeful.

I sit down beside of him and he pushes me gently down in the water, I look at him as he lowers himself in the pool and then he wraps himself around me, I reflect back to the last time we were like this, the night we were honest, and I felt we had an important shift in our relationship. "Did your run help?" He smiles softly stroking my lips with his own.

"Been here the whole time, thinking."

"Ouch hope you didn't give yourself too much of a headache, come to any conclusions?" He nods and pinches my arm gently.

"You can't change the way I am, and I can't change the way you are. You Colt are always going to try to save me, try to give me everything, and try to somehow make it perfect. That doesn't make you weak or unable to love me. Those are my won hang-ups, I have spent my life running, it's what I learned at an early age, it's what I'm good at, and there are times when I get so heavy, that the eight of emotions press down on me, and every time I try to make it right, it collapses, everything comes down on me. I need you, no one heals me the way you do, but that scares me, it makes me want to run. I just need you to understand that not everything is going to be perfect, I'm going to screw this up, I'm going to fall apart, and I am going to fight you. Just tell me honestly that you'll never give up on me." I press my lips to his and he sighs against mine.

"You are stuck with me, forever, I believe in you and will never give up on you Punk. I'm not perfect either, and I'm going to mess up, we will fight and we will get through it. It's going to be alright Punk, I promise everything is going to be alright. Why water, why do we always end up in water?" He smiles softly and chuckles, leaning back in my arms so he is floating.

"It cleanses, it's pure, and it's a place that offers a new beginning and a soft landing. I like floating with you, I could float forever in your arms. I feel safe here, I believe you Colt and I am going to try to remember to believe in us in the future, even when I run." He sits back up in my arms and our lips meet, the kiss is slow, neither one of us are in a hurry tonight. Tomorrow is bound to come and bring problems but for tonight we hold on to the truth of us, the belief in each other, and love that entwines our souls. This never ending free fall in each other's arms, and I understand where he came from tonight and he understands my reason and we are sure to fight about it again tomorrow as nothing has been resolved but as e float together, we kiss and I know that everything is going to be alright and that our faith in each other is the key. I pull my lips from his and his green eyes stare into my own "I love you Scott Colton" I smile and run my fingers through his wet bleached out hair.

"As I love you Phillip Brooks" We still have a journey ahead of us, but I know we will be together, the tapestry of our lives is forever sewn together, the threads that bind us unbreakable and the color of our love is breathtaking, for tonight all we have to do float and allow each other to cleanse the wounds on our souls.

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><p><strong>Okay one more chapter to go, for those interested I'm doing a sequel to Twisted Seduction next called Blood from A Stone, also I have two other stories in the works A ColtPunk/Vince story which is very odd for me, and also a Raven/Punk story. I really hope everyone has enjoyed the journey of this story and I hope to have the last bit out tomorrow evening my time.**

**Lamentomori- I feel like this is slowly tying up all the threads, yes the plan was very flawed and I think Colt knew that from the start and always had his own forming in the background, he just needed to give Punk his chance first. Hero and Punk have resolved I think nicely and Punk is on the mend. Colt although doing what Punk wants and coming out of his shadow of a shadow has pissed off Punk but I think it was a good thing. Over to you lady for a review! As always I look forward to your opinion.**

**littleone1389- Thank you for the review as always, I almost had Punk being the one who was shot but couldn't pull the trigger on that plot line lol. They are moving forward, granted at a snail's pace but forward we go, I'm so glad you stuck with this story!**


	21. The Fates

I'm sitting at the kitchen table when Colt enters returning from his latest show and the weekend away from me, it's odd to me that I am not traveling with him. In the last year we have fallen into a comfortable routine, we've built a life together so when the WWE approached me I turned to him and he encouraged me to take the deal. We spend more time apart these days but at the same time coming back together makes it so much sweeter. He leans down and captures my lips with his, I am so proud of him it's taken time but he has stepped out of my shadow, flourishing on the independent scene and creating a huge base for him to shine from. I know he is proud of me too, the healing has taken time but I can know get through the day without thinking of London, hell I can almost see myself the way Colt does. Whenever I get negative thoughts in my head I turn them quickly positive, my therapist says I am doing well, I've stopped the medication and although it allows me to feel more I think it's a god thing. I've hidden from my own feelings for so long, in all honesty I think before Colt I was shut down, feelings just didn't exist. He brought out this side of me, this person in me that I think I've hidden and run from for so long. It's amazing how much I trust this relationship, how little doubt I have when we are apart I know we will survive our love is stronger than anything I have ever known. The nightmares still come, but when we are together they don't last long his arms sooth me, and when we are apart his voice on the other end of the line lulls me back to dreams of him. He never bitches that I call him at all hours of the night, in fact I hear the smile in his voice when he answers.

I watch as he removes his shoes and takes a seat beside me, his fingers trace the tattoo on my arms and I wonder what is on my lovers mind. "What you doing Punk?" I glance down at the list in front of me and smile.

"Making a list of who I would like to invite for Thanksgiving" he glances over the list and smiles.

"Thanksgiving, didn't know we were planning a dinner." I shrug and concentrate on the list making a few additions.

"We've always been on the road or traveling, having thanksgiving in shitty diners, so I thought maybe this year we would do it right. Have our family come together and celebrate. We'll need a bigger table though." His fingers tickle my arms and I look up at him the delight in his eyes shining through at the idea.

"I would love to spend Thanksgiving without family and we'll rent out a banquet room if we need too." I roll my eyes at him, our family has expanded but I don't think there will be that many people.

"Ace, Hero, Joe and whoever he is dating, Chez and my family, your parents, D, maybe Heyman he wants to meet you." I nod its odd to have this support system now, I tore it all down and somehow managed to rebuild it stronger, healthier than before. He leans down and rest his head on my arm studying me. "What's on your mind, what exactly are you making those two brain cells think about so hard?" He chuckles and sits back up pulling me from my chair on to his lap, I snuggle into him and admit this is what I miss the most when we are apart him holding me, allowing me to be weak with him.

"Do you think they would all come to Louisville?" I cock my head at him unsure why they would need to. "I know we've made this place our home, but I hate spending so much time apart so I rented us a place there. It's a little smaller but still has a gym and all that crap. I want to be with you more Punk so please don't comment about the money, we will still have this place to come back to if we decide to and when you move up we will decide then where to live." I sigh and rest my head against his chest, money has been a sore subject for us, and apparently I'm rich thanks to committing to the fucker. Something he didn't mention, his money is my money and I've seen the statements it's not a little bit of money it's a lot. Hell we had to go to a lawyer and make sure it was all nice and legal that if anything ever happened to him I got it all, not that I want it. I'm happy the way it was, but things change and I'm learning to accept that I cannot make everything go my way.

"We could fly them all in I guess, they probably wouldn't mind. We need to be in Chicago for Christmas though, and oh Hanukah I want the snow. How are you going to travel to shows from Louisville?" He smiles and relaxes against me, I think he was expecting an argument but really how can I complain that he wants to be with me more.

"That's fine Punk, I think my parents want to do a thing at their new cabin for the holidays. I think they even be getting a tree for there non-Jewish son. I'll fly where I need to, we have the money Punk maybe it's time to use it and put it to some good use." I nod and smile, his parents sold the old cabin, I think it had too many bad memories for all of us, the new one is a little closer to Chicago and not so off the beaten track, I'm more comfortable there. Colt's mom has embraced me in an odd but comforting way, and his dad has started to call me son. It throws me every time he does and I wait for Colt to answer until I get elbowed by the man. Having parents, hell with Chez's parents I have two sets now, that care is the oddest feeling in the world but I think maybe it's part of what was missing in my life, part of what sent me to London. The abandonment by my own parents, apparently this affects how I view myself and my own self-worth, so now I have alls these people who care and although I find it scary it is healing me.

"A tree would be nice, spending the holiday with your parents…our parents would be really good Colt." He stands lifting me up in his arms and I always feel so safe even knowing the strength he has I'm never scared that these hands would do anything to hurt me, although now that our relationship has become more secure and I'm recovering the occasional use of handcuffs in the bedroom has occurred, Colt likes to be in charge and I must admit it's all very lovely. We end up on the couch with me curled up, my head on his lap, the old quilt spread over me as he strokes my hair.

"You look tired Punkers' I nod I am, I hate sleeping without him. "Before you drift off I was wondering how you would feel about starting a charity." I give him a questioning look and he runs his finger across my bottom lip. "For abused men, there are not a lot of them out there, it would offer support and funding to help them. Men in the position that you found yourself, there are plenty of places for women to turn but not specifically for men. I think it would be great and if we didn't want our names attached we could be anonymous benefactors." I try to blink back the tears he has obviously taking the time to research this, and most likely started the process. Yet he is doing this for me, he knows I still feel guilt that Paul got away scot free and this gives me a chance to help other victims maybe not Paul's but victims that need strength.

"I'd love that, and I wouldn't want to hide it Colt. I could maybe even speak at fundraisers and stuff, tell my story without using his name. What are you calling it?" He chuckles and strokes my ear lightly so I turn my head to nip at his fingers.

"Healing Waters" it's simple but really all about us, our journey, and our love all about healing and washing away the pain. I pull his head down to mine, the kiss slow, easy, and filled with passion and love.

"Thank you, how'd I get so lucky? How did I find you? Why do you even love me? I never knew that someone like you existed, I was so lost in this world I created I never knew I could have all of this. Thank you for loving me, even in the moments when you have to swallow your pride you love me." He smiles against my murmuring lips kissing me between questions.

"I'm the lucky one Punk, you pushed when I couldn't figure out my own heart, you gave me time and you loved me even when you had no clue how too. Love has no pride, it never has and never will it's about being whole. I wished I had seen the truth before he ever came into your life though. I couldn't not love you Punkers, loving you is like breathing it is what keeps me alive." I run my hand through his short hair, and wonder again why I was blessed with this man. London is gone now, vanished from my life as if he was never there, his ghost still haunts but honestly it probably always will.

"You saved me, I don't think I've ever really told you that. You saved me, you Scott Colton are my hero. At my lowest when it was all dark you found a light for me and lead me there, you took my hand and guided me, you carried me when I couldn't walk on my own and I'd be dead if it wasn't for you. I honestly believe he would have killed me, or I'd have killed myself. Now I'm making holiday plans with my husband, and his family. I'm slowly living my dream with this man who adores me beside of me, thank you so much Scott, thank you for giving me a life I could have only dreamed of before. Thank you for loving me." Colt wipes at my cheeks and chuckles.

"You called me your husband" he smirks and I groan of course out of all of that he would catch that little slip. I've been thinking it in my head for months, but never said it out loud and I think he takes too much pleasure in knowing that I acknowledge this is it, this is forever. "My turn now Punker's you thanked me Phillip now I get to do the same, because you saved me also. I was adrift before you came along, afraid of real relationships my past caused me to shut down before things got serious, but you pushed and you needed me when I would have normally left, he may be the wound we share forever but he gave us strength to be where we are now. My heart is always yours Phillip, you are my hero, you survived and you flourished, and you accepted help. In the end of alls this, you came out better. My husband you have my heart and I think we're going to be telling our grandkids about how we fell in love someday, well the g version of it. Thank you for loving me, for teaching me how to be strong, and for letting me be weak, thank you for coming back to me Punk, and thank you for living when alls you wanted to do was die. I love you, I love you so damn much it hurts to be apart." I nod in agreement and just kiss him again. "Can I get you a ring now? Can I wear one now?" I roll my eyes but give a small nod.

"I don't know how you think we are having grandkids because I hate to tell you Colt I'm not popping any babies out I don't have the right equipment for it. Small ring, tiny really, nothing to outlandish." He slides from underneath me and heads into the bedroom, returning with the little black box I had discovered a few months ago hidden in his dresser. I never opened it almost too scared to see what was inside, but now he lifts my head and resumes is place as my pillow the box set on my chest. I hesitantly open it and stare at the matching bands, thin white gold but what is more intriguing is the design in it.

"It's an claddagh wedding band, if you wear it so the heart and crown are facing in that it symbolizes that you have found love and that you shall spend eternity together. I don't really remember the story but some Irish dude was captured right before his wedding and sold into slavery when he managed to escape and return she was still there and he made her the ring. It consists of three symbols: the hands signifying friendship, holding a heart signifying love, topped with a crown for loyalty, inside of it are our initials and the date we met. I hope you like it." I slide the ring onto my finger the heart and crown facing in and then slide his onto his hand. Yes I like it hell I love it, but really I have no words to express this so I just snuggle back into his lap staring at our entwined hands. "FYI Punk neither of us can actually have kids, I know that but there are other ways and someday down the road when we are ready we will have as many as you want." I nod and close my eyes he shifts so that he is lying beside of me and I find my safety in his arms as he pulls me close. Drifting off I smile, free, so free, loved, and to be honest content. This man is my home, even with every small disaster, with every stumble along the path, he is where I lay my head, he is where my heart resides, home is where the heart is and this man is my home. He owns my heart, holds it so carefully in his hands, and as we weave our life together I wonder if the fates are smiling down upon us as the have woven our life line together, for as long as he exists so will I. Till they decided to cut out string then we will support and embrace each other. His health still scares me but I know now that we have forever in this life and the next we have eternity to love our souls forever entwined.

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><p><strong>Okay that is the end, I hope it ended well for everyone who has stayed with me this long. Reviews are great as it almost makes me sad that this is done, but I have many things in the works for the boys so keep watch for new work coming down the line.<strong>

**Lamentomori- so here it is the end, the overly happy, kind of sappy end. I hope it lived up to everything you wanted and that the journey was worth it. I think they found there even ground, and there strength in one another. Colt did take away his chance for justice but I think punk needed it and he is giving him a much larger chance here so I hope it redeems our Colt completely.**


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